WARNING: Contents of this blog post are squarely my venting. Contents will be selfish and absurd. i dont mean them to be, and i know i need to change how im feeling, but i needed to vent in some way.
i guess nobody really knows what's going on underneath. and you cant expect them to. but when you tell them how hard it actually is, you'd think they might pay some kind of attention to it. i think i expect way too much out of people sometimes. i dont think they understand i need to do one thing at a time. and sometimes... i feel like they dont even care about me at all. they just want to know what their agenda is with me, and what our issue is at the time. i feel like i cant talk to them about anything anymore without hurting them because i dont have the mind capacity to deal with my relationship with them right now. and this is largely, if not wholly, because im so confused and messed up with the things going on in my life. if i want to solve the problem they talk to me about all the time, i have to get to the root of it. i probably wouldnt even have a problem in our relationship if i was square in my life. but im not. i have a pyramid of problems piling up on me, and if i only deal with the top problems, the bottom ones still exist and the top ones will keep coming back. i need to clear my mind, and see how i can fix these big problems at the bottom of my pyramid. but i hope my best friends come back to me. because i fear ive lost them. things arent the same anymore...maybe thats the whole problem with this. i dont think i want that change.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
God Has Given Me
God has given me a voice. i must sing to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a poise to dance. i must dance to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a talent to interpret others' experiences as an art. i must act to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a learning ability to do well in school. i must perform well in school to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a family. i must love them as they love me to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me love. i must return that love to Him.
God has given me a poise to dance. i must dance to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a talent to interpret others' experiences as an art. i must act to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a learning ability to do well in school. i must perform well in school to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a family. i must love them as they love me to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me love. i must return that love to Him.
Friday, October 14, 2011
An Opening Night Brings Much Philosophy
The drama is not dead but liveth, and contains the germs of better things.
WILLIAM ARCHER, About the Theatre
The theatre is a magical place. im realizing more and more that, yes, the rehearsals are the bonding experiences, but, when the lights go up and seats are filled, it seems as though some kind of "magic" truly does happen. The rehearsal acting is never really what the finishing product will be. Something always gets added or amped up. but by a significant amount! other thespians have tried to figure out what exactly happens during this time. Some say its the energy of the audience bouncing back to the stage, some say its the nerves, some say its the thrill of just being onstage, and wanting to give people the best show you can. nobody really knows what happens. but here is my philosophy:
God sat and thought of how He would create the world, then He breathed life into it. Art is just another example of how we were made in His image. He put in us a desire to create. So for thespians, we may not be talented in the ways of actually creating something tangible, but we create something in the people watching us. We mold a story by our performance. So, when we rehearse, its the "planning " period. But then, when its time to create, when the curtain goes up, we breathe life into what we previously planned. Not only does the thrill of the stage reveal the creation, but it reveals to us things about ourselves that we couldnt see before. when we're forming our character, we might discover a similarity between ourselves and our character, and would bring further realization about ourselves. it might give us an example of a relationship we could see working, or just bring people closer together in general.
"I dont know, they're just... a different kinda people."
People say this about thespians. i call them theatre people, but the previous term is legitimate i suppose. Anyways, i just wanted to take a moment to recognize them. Last night we had our opening night of Arsenic and Old Lace. I had some trouble with this cast at first... i wasn't getting along with the leads, and there was tension between my opposite and i. i didn't think we would ever come together and be a family (one of the sole reasons i love theatre so much). but as the weeks progressed, we grew closer. problems started clearing themselves up, laughs were made, as was love. By opening night, we were truly a family. but we didn't realize it until the lights came up. i fell in love. the claps and laughs from the crowd...the laughs backstage... the jokes, the jumps, the slight looks of nervous excitement between people... everything was perfect. tonight is our second night, and we're coming back with a bang. each person "brings something to the show" in their own individual way. (as my thespian president stated). God puts people together like this for a specific reason. whether i know it or not, these people are changing me, and will have a long lasting effect on my life.
Love is family
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra, OH MY!
(playist: track 7)
ive been getting into jazz/swing music lately. its the romance i like. Jazzy fourties songs like, "ill be seeing you" and "the way you look tonight" just make me think a little bit, and dream even more. they layer and layer their lyrics with sweet lines to their lovers. why dont people do that today? i have no idea. i feel like most music now just talks about sex and womens' bodies. its degrading really...so i suppose i find alot of comfort in Billie Holiday's "ill be seeing you" because its not focused on one thing. the possibilites are endless, because of the different ways she says the things she wants to say. another thing i like about this music is that these people have so much to say. they have so much to tell their lovers, to tell the world, and all they do is delight in it. its never nasty, its never inappropriately visual, its just poetic genius. these songs give me something to think about. they give me hope that the things they talk about really exist. people really do love eachother to the end of their days, and the end of the earth. i think about some of the people in my life, and wish they'd love me like that. im actually one of those weird people who tags songs to people in my life... some of the songs ive tagged to people recently are driving me crazy. but they put me in this daze thats addicting. i just get dizzy, walking around school with my headphones in, thinking, dreaming, getting lost in the sax and piano solos... the smooth vocals sing me to sleep when my insomnia gets the best of me. if pure romance could be poured into music, this is where you'll find it.
Love is jazzy, and snazzy, and everything in between.
ive been getting into jazz/swing music lately. its the romance i like. Jazzy fourties songs like, "ill be seeing you" and "the way you look tonight" just make me think a little bit, and dream even more. they layer and layer their lyrics with sweet lines to their lovers. why dont people do that today? i have no idea. i feel like most music now just talks about sex and womens' bodies. its degrading really...so i suppose i find alot of comfort in Billie Holiday's "ill be seeing you" because its not focused on one thing. the possibilites are endless, because of the different ways she says the things she wants to say. another thing i like about this music is that these people have so much to say. they have so much to tell their lovers, to tell the world, and all they do is delight in it. its never nasty, its never inappropriately visual, its just poetic genius. these songs give me something to think about. they give me hope that the things they talk about really exist. people really do love eachother to the end of their days, and the end of the earth. i think about some of the people in my life, and wish they'd love me like that. im actually one of those weird people who tags songs to people in my life... some of the songs ive tagged to people recently are driving me crazy. but they put me in this daze thats addicting. i just get dizzy, walking around school with my headphones in, thinking, dreaming, getting lost in the sax and piano solos... the smooth vocals sing me to sleep when my insomnia gets the best of me. if pure romance could be poured into music, this is where you'll find it.
Love is jazzy, and snazzy, and everything in between.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Falling in Love
(playlist track 9. More Like Falling In Love)
romance is the dream of at LEAST 90% of the world. everybody wants to be in love at some point in their life, and everyone wants to be loved. as humans we're lured to those who want to protect us, care about us, do sweet things for us, and be there for us always. but before we know they want to do that, a little roamnce is involved. like a sneak peek of what is to come. to be pursued is one of the most exciting things ive ever experienced. im sure you'd enjoy some of the stories. but today, i want to surface the One who pursued me in the sweetest way, and has my heart. He fights for it, no doubt. and i have to fight to continue to make it His every day. He left me little notes around my day, showing me He cared, He romanced me with dreams of where we were to live when i finally met Him. He sang to me precious lullibies of what He thought of me, and what He did for me. and of course, as with any romance, He had to do a bit of convincing. i was wary of committing to Him, because i didnt know what to expect. He went on and on about the plans He had for us. He showed me what it would be like, living a life by His side. we fought, wrestled over things we didnt agree on. He gave me advice when i was in difficult situations. i didnt listen to Him the first time, or the second time, or the third time. in fact, we STILL fight about these kinds of things. but He says the only reason He fights with me, and gets angry with me, is because He loves me. He says that if He didnt tell me the things He thought were wrong, id just continue to do them, and make trouble for myself. all in all, we have a pretty good relationship i suppose. it has its ups and downs, and He has to keep reminding me He loves me, and showing me He loves me, just to keep me close to Him. He wants to be with me all the time, and never gets tired of my going on and on and on about my theories and opinions. sometimes, i think He's the only One that cares. but its such a comfort to know He's there. and by golly, is He protective. He wants me all to Himself. He's convinced no one else is better for me than Him. i got this little ring though, to show Him and other people that i belonged to Him. and that i would stay true and pure for Him until i die.He's protected me from so much already, and we arent yet as close as we could be! He rushes to my side when im down, or hurt, or just plain upset for no reason at all. He's there with open arms, welcoming me into them, with sweet whsipers that everything will be ok. oh, and for my birthday, He gave me this big book. He wrote in it, every promise He's ever made me. just to make sure i know He's telling the truth. its got all these stories in it too, about what He's like and what He does. this Guy is like, the cutest thing ever. im falling more in love with every word He says to me, and every day i spend with Him. want to know a secret? i still get butterflies every time He talks to me too. childish i know, but i love Him.
......................................hehe.
Love is Romance.
romance is the dream of at LEAST 90% of the world. everybody wants to be in love at some point in their life, and everyone wants to be loved. as humans we're lured to those who want to protect us, care about us, do sweet things for us, and be there for us always. but before we know they want to do that, a little roamnce is involved. like a sneak peek of what is to come. to be pursued is one of the most exciting things ive ever experienced. im sure you'd enjoy some of the stories. but today, i want to surface the One who pursued me in the sweetest way, and has my heart. He fights for it, no doubt. and i have to fight to continue to make it His every day. He left me little notes around my day, showing me He cared, He romanced me with dreams of where we were to live when i finally met Him. He sang to me precious lullibies of what He thought of me, and what He did for me. and of course, as with any romance, He had to do a bit of convincing. i was wary of committing to Him, because i didnt know what to expect. He went on and on about the plans He had for us. He showed me what it would be like, living a life by His side. we fought, wrestled over things we didnt agree on. He gave me advice when i was in difficult situations. i didnt listen to Him the first time, or the second time, or the third time. in fact, we STILL fight about these kinds of things. but He says the only reason He fights with me, and gets angry with me, is because He loves me. He says that if He didnt tell me the things He thought were wrong, id just continue to do them, and make trouble for myself. all in all, we have a pretty good relationship i suppose. it has its ups and downs, and He has to keep reminding me He loves me, and showing me He loves me, just to keep me close to Him. He wants to be with me all the time, and never gets tired of my going on and on and on about my theories and opinions. sometimes, i think He's the only One that cares. but its such a comfort to know He's there. and by golly, is He protective. He wants me all to Himself. He's convinced no one else is better for me than Him. i got this little ring though, to show Him and other people that i belonged to Him. and that i would stay true and pure for Him until i die.He's protected me from so much already, and we arent yet as close as we could be! He rushes to my side when im down, or hurt, or just plain upset for no reason at all. He's there with open arms, welcoming me into them, with sweet whsipers that everything will be ok. oh, and for my birthday, He gave me this big book. He wrote in it, every promise He's ever made me. just to make sure i know He's telling the truth. its got all these stories in it too, about what He's like and what He does. this Guy is like, the cutest thing ever. im falling more in love with every word He says to me, and every day i spend with Him. want to know a secret? i still get butterflies every time He talks to me too. childish i know, but i love Him.
......................................hehe.
Love is Romance.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Sweet Pea
(playlist track 8. Sweet Pea)
you know you always have those people that you fight with, because you love each other too much NOT to fight, yes? well, i have a person like that. he's definitely not the first, but still. in reality, those people just care about you entirely too much, and you care about them entirely too much, but neither of you will do anything about it, so you just fight. in the end you just keep saying "i love you" and making up because you know you cant live without them. in a sea of two thousand people, you feel right at home because they're by your side. yeah, its going to get hard sometimes. and youre going to annoy the hell out of each other. but you need them, and you know you do. the reason you "keep on coming home" is because of the inaudible thought always hanging there of, "he/she cant leave me. cuz he/she knows it would NEVER work. we'd just miss each other too much." these people know everything about you. they know your weird habits, your faces of suggestion, when youre lying about not being ok, when you need a laugh or when you need a hug. thats the reason you keep coming back. because you love the familiarity, the comfort found in someone that knows the real you. we, as a human race, hate showing fault. its part of our sinful nature. these people in your life, they are the exception. theyre the people you arent afraid to break down around. you'll let them see your every fault. and that, in turn, promotes honesty. the honesty you have with each other is one of the big reasons you feel so close to them. its because you can tell each other anything (however cliche that may sound) and the comfort in that thought is trust. the root of all these is trust. Love is trust.
Sweet pea
Apple of my eye
Don't know when and I don't know why
You're the only reason I keep on coming home
Sweet pea
What's all this about
Don't get your way all you do is fuss and pout
You're the only reason I keep on coming home
I like the Rock of Gibraltar
I always seem to falter
And the words just get in the way
Oh I know I'm gonna crumble
I'm trying to stay humble
But I never think before I say
Sweet pea
Keeper of my soul
I know sometimes I'm out of control
You're the only reason I keep on coming
You're the only reason I keep on coming yeah
You're the only reason I keep on coming home
Love is sweet.
you know you always have those people that you fight with, because you love each other too much NOT to fight, yes? well, i have a person like that. he's definitely not the first, but still. in reality, those people just care about you entirely too much, and you care about them entirely too much, but neither of you will do anything about it, so you just fight. in the end you just keep saying "i love you" and making up because you know you cant live without them. in a sea of two thousand people, you feel right at home because they're by your side. yeah, its going to get hard sometimes. and youre going to annoy the hell out of each other. but you need them, and you know you do. the reason you "keep on coming home" is because of the inaudible thought always hanging there of, "he/she cant leave me. cuz he/she knows it would NEVER work. we'd just miss each other too much." these people know everything about you. they know your weird habits, your faces of suggestion, when youre lying about not being ok, when you need a laugh or when you need a hug. thats the reason you keep coming back. because you love the familiarity, the comfort found in someone that knows the real you. we, as a human race, hate showing fault. its part of our sinful nature. these people in your life, they are the exception. theyre the people you arent afraid to break down around. you'll let them see your every fault. and that, in turn, promotes honesty. the honesty you have with each other is one of the big reasons you feel so close to them. its because you can tell each other anything (however cliche that may sound) and the comfort in that thought is trust. the root of all these is trust. Love is trust.
Sweet pea
Apple of my eye
Don't know when and I don't know why
You're the only reason I keep on coming home
Sweet pea
What's all this about
Don't get your way all you do is fuss and pout
You're the only reason I keep on coming home
I like the Rock of Gibraltar
I always seem to falter
And the words just get in the way
Oh I know I'm gonna crumble
I'm trying to stay humble
But I never think before I say
Sweet pea
Keeper of my soul
I know sometimes I'm out of control
You're the only reason I keep on coming
You're the only reason I keep on coming yeah
You're the only reason I keep on coming home
Love is sweet.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
My Favorite Things
i dont think God could have blessed me with better people in my life. today was my sixteenth birthday. my mom woke up early and bought me donuts for breakfast. my little brothers all woke up to eat with me...at 530am. my sister was out of the house by six, and bought me a dozen roses. she then got all my friends together, and gave them each a rose. i began walking my schedule in school, and every time i saw a friend, they had another rose for me. i love you Gabby. My castmate, Meagan Galluzzo, made my afternoon between rehearsal and school special by getting me a cookie cake:) i love you sweetie, and am so glad i met you. At rehearsal, everyone was in a fantastic mood. To the cast of Arsenic and Old Lace, youre amazing, and i think we'll have a great show. everyone really came through for me. i was afraid it would be another solemn, everybodyinabadmood day. but it wasnt! i went home and ate sushi and edemame with my family. then, it was off to Patt Holt for a rehearsal. This was absolutely wonderful as well! me and Maggie were sung to a couple times, and we had cupcakes and balloons! and i swear, it MUST have been my birthday, because none of my guyfriends shaved! and scruff is my FAVORITE. no matter who it's on. unless youre David. ;) to top it off, my family wrote me a song to the tune of "My Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music. if you ever want a reference of my weird habits, here you go. I love my family so much, and everything they do for me. all these people in my life make me who i am, and im blessed immensely. Only God could have hand picked each person i know.
For Anna 'Little Bit' Pirrie "A Few of her Favorite Things" (To the Sound of Music tune)
Raindrops on her nose and fingerless mittens
Bright Zumba clothes and pasta without chickens
Singing at church in her bare stocking feet
These are a few of her favorite things
dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da
Summers with ponies and spring time with musicals
Shakespeare and Disney and tofu with noodles
Tatoos on her toes with black sharpie pens
These are a few of her favorite things
Dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da
Borrowing our clothes and calling them Vintage
Playing her guitar while thinking of marriage
Texting at the speed of light while she sleeps
These are a few of her favorite things
dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da
When Joe's amps too loud...
When her chore's aren't done
When she's late for dance...
She simply walks into her room and she sings the MUSIC that makes her GLAD!
Love
Mom, Dad, Josph, Gabby, Michaely, Montana, the turtles and the snake.(Oh and the mice that live under the oven...)
God is good, thats all i can say.
Love is heart-warming and unconditional.
For Anna 'Little Bit' Pirrie "A Few of her Favorite Things" (To the Sound of Music tune)
Raindrops on her nose and fingerless mittens
Bright Zumba clothes and pasta without chickens
Singing at church in her bare stocking feet
These are a few of her favorite things
dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da
Summers with ponies and spring time with musicals
Shakespeare and Disney and tofu with noodles
Tatoos on her toes with black sharpie pens
These are a few of her favorite things
Dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da
Borrowing our clothes and calling them Vintage
Playing her guitar while thinking of marriage
Texting at the speed of light while she sleeps
These are a few of her favorite things
dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da dum dum da
When Joe's amps too loud...
When her chore's aren't done
When she's late for dance...
She simply walks into her room and she sings the MUSIC that makes her GLAD!
Love
Mom, Dad, Josph, Gabby, Michaely, Montana, the turtles and the snake.(Oh and the mice that live under the oven...)
God is good, thats all i can say.
Love is heart-warming and unconditional.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Once Upon A Time
(playlist track: 7. Almost Lover)
Once upon a time, there was a far off land called Broken Heart. Im here to tell you how this kingdom got its name.
She was the Bell of the ball when Prince Charming danced with her that night. But wait, after a while, the Bell got a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She left prince charming, not thinking that the sick feeling could be fixed. The Prince was heartbroken, and missed her. He was bitter and hostile, the result of a hurting heart. She saw him like this, day by day. She had given him her glass slipper. The Bell believed he was worth a piece of her. And from the moment she left him, she regretted it everyday after. Her heart began to swell as she realized what she had given up. The Bell spent days crying and hurting. The Prince continued to be bitter. She pleaded with him to take her back because she realized her mistake. He wouldn't take her. She tumbled into distress.
Little did she know, this is where her story really began. One day, as she was strolling along, she got a letter from a Stranger that had been watching her. He saw the way the Prince treated her, for he had known the Prince his whole life, and was familiar with his ways. He nursed her back to health, and cared for her in her time of need. And in return, she fell in love with him herself. They spent every waking hour together. He helped her find her life again. Long days of laughter, and nights of gentle caressing that filled her dreams and patched her heart. Though other suitors came to her doorstep daily, she only had room in her heart for her darling Stranger. The Bell long awaited the day her Stranger would ask for her hand. She hinted and hinted, she thought he was worth the wait and work. Many promises did the Stranger make, but none did the Bell come to see true. She became frustrated and heartbroken, as he began to treat her in an ill manor. She pursued and chased him, but it seemed as though she was not enough. There were times when he would prove true, and hold her in his arms as if he would never let her go. He would kiss her as if each kiss would be their last. And right when she thought he would ask her that faithful question and commit to stay with her forever, he would ignore the opportunity. At the end of that summer, the last dance occurred. She was once again the Bell of the ball, and made it two times so, giving her Stranger one last chance. He ignored her at the ball, and examined other beauties. This, she could not fathom. In a swirling defeat she stumbled to a hall alone. There she sat, wondering what it was that made her unworthy. The Bell knew this would happen. She realized that all along she knew he wasnt there to stay. Her court told her, "this is why they call him the Stranger." he refused to be more to anyone.
The Bell looked up, and saw the Prince walk in the door. All summer, she thought, she had worked to be immune to his charm and grace. She realized that all she really did was numb the pain. and the medicine she had once had so sweet, had left. Now she was left with not one, but two broken hearts. But, as the Prince walked by, she saw, tucked in his belt, was her glass slipper she had left him long ago....
Many people want to believe this is a tall tale, but it happened. Im here to tell you it did. The story of Bell, who lived in Broken Heart.
Once upon a time, there was a far off land called Broken Heart. Im here to tell you how this kingdom got its name.
She was the Bell of the ball when Prince Charming danced with her that night. But wait, after a while, the Bell got a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. She left prince charming, not thinking that the sick feeling could be fixed. The Prince was heartbroken, and missed her. He was bitter and hostile, the result of a hurting heart. She saw him like this, day by day. She had given him her glass slipper. The Bell believed he was worth a piece of her. And from the moment she left him, she regretted it everyday after. Her heart began to swell as she realized what she had given up. The Bell spent days crying and hurting. The Prince continued to be bitter. She pleaded with him to take her back because she realized her mistake. He wouldn't take her. She tumbled into distress.
Little did she know, this is where her story really began. One day, as she was strolling along, she got a letter from a Stranger that had been watching her. He saw the way the Prince treated her, for he had known the Prince his whole life, and was familiar with his ways. He nursed her back to health, and cared for her in her time of need. And in return, she fell in love with him herself. They spent every waking hour together. He helped her find her life again. Long days of laughter, and nights of gentle caressing that filled her dreams and patched her heart. Though other suitors came to her doorstep daily, she only had room in her heart for her darling Stranger. The Bell long awaited the day her Stranger would ask for her hand. She hinted and hinted, she thought he was worth the wait and work. Many promises did the Stranger make, but none did the Bell come to see true. She became frustrated and heartbroken, as he began to treat her in an ill manor. She pursued and chased him, but it seemed as though she was not enough. There were times when he would prove true, and hold her in his arms as if he would never let her go. He would kiss her as if each kiss would be their last. And right when she thought he would ask her that faithful question and commit to stay with her forever, he would ignore the opportunity. At the end of that summer, the last dance occurred. She was once again the Bell of the ball, and made it two times so, giving her Stranger one last chance. He ignored her at the ball, and examined other beauties. This, she could not fathom. In a swirling defeat she stumbled to a hall alone. There she sat, wondering what it was that made her unworthy. The Bell knew this would happen. She realized that all along she knew he wasnt there to stay. Her court told her, "this is why they call him the Stranger." he refused to be more to anyone.
The Bell looked up, and saw the Prince walk in the door. All summer, she thought, she had worked to be immune to his charm and grace. She realized that all she really did was numb the pain. and the medicine she had once had so sweet, had left. Now she was left with not one, but two broken hearts. But, as the Prince walked by, she saw, tucked in his belt, was her glass slipper she had left him long ago....
Many people want to believe this is a tall tale, but it happened. Im here to tell you it did. The story of Bell, who lived in Broken Heart.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Harmony Is Hard To Find
I quit. I'm done with people and their rumors, their lies. Why can't we all live together without selfishness and sin? Why does life have to be such a continuous tornado? All it is is "misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms". Why can't you just admit that you're flawed instead of pretending? We're here! We will love you! I cant even count how many times ive messed up. But lies and secrets only spin you backwards. Trust me, i know. We're all the same. i just wish things were different...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
More About Time
I've had a time to stare, to wait
A time to sigh
A time to watch the world pass me by
These marks on my skin
Tell me where i have been
Alone to waste
Wanting a bitter taste
Will you move me?
Collecting dust on a shelf
Wanting to see something of myself
I've had a time too late, a bitter state
A time to feel
A time to cry
A time to watch this world around me crumble and die
These marks on my heart say,
I dont know where to start
These lines were so bold, but thin
Ive since made blurry
Will You move me?
Collecting pain drops on this pillow
Wanting to see something of myself
Now its time to stop
We are bent and broken
From here it seems misshapen
But, the time to rest is near.
A time to sigh
A time to watch the world pass me by
These marks on my skin
Tell me where i have been
Alone to waste
Wanting a bitter taste
Will you move me?
Collecting dust on a shelf
Wanting to see something of myself
I've had a time too late, a bitter state
A time to feel
A time to cry
A time to watch this world around me crumble and die
These marks on my heart say,
I dont know where to start
These lines were so bold, but thin
Ive since made blurry
Will You move me?
Collecting pain drops on this pillow
Wanting to see something of myself
Now its time to stop
We are bent and broken
From here it seems misshapen
But, the time to rest is near.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Anna Begins
Everyone wants to know who or what theyre named after. Now, my full name came from an actress my mom knew when she was studying in college. This actress was the "best in the class. We all knew that if any of us were going to get somewhere, it would be her." Ironic as this is, (knowing that my prime interest is Musical Theatre, and i came to love it at an early age) it gets worse. My mom was a big Counting Crows fan. During her pregnancy with me, thats all she listened to. The song Anna Begins came on when they decided my name. "We could call her Anna for short!" my mom said. Its ironic that she would choose this song to name me after... because it applies so much to my life. and im realizing it more and more every time i hear it...
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried
I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me, "For one time only,
Make an exception."
I am not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried
I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
But we're always changing
It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm going to have to live with that
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey
Or something in between
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried
I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget
I am not worried
"If it's love," she said, "then we're going to have to
think about the consequences."
She can't stop shaking
I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering
for days," she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing
But I'm not going to break
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not going to bend and I'm not going to break
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore
No no no no no,
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and
Oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
She's talking in her sleep
It's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
Oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It's chasing me away
She disappears and
Oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
Love is your actions. Actions come from knowing who you are.
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried
I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me, "For one time only,
Make an exception."
I am not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried
I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
But we're always changing
It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm going to have to live with that
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey
Or something in between
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried
I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget
I am not worried
"If it's love," she said, "then we're going to have to
think about the consequences."
She can't stop shaking
I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering
for days," she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing
But I'm not going to break
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not going to bend and I'm not going to break
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore
No no no no no,
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net
Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and
Oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
She's talking in her sleep
It's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
Oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It's chasing me away
She disappears and
Oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
Love is your actions. Actions come from knowing who you are.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Sadness Should Be Prescription Medecine
Sometimes...life calls for a little sadness. God prescribes a little sadness. it gives you time to relax...to breathe... to recollect.
Truth? im having a hard time writing this post. My life has hit a sadness... i knew it would come. The time i knew i would have to walk with God by myself. I wanted so much to not be alone... and i went after the wrong person to do so.
At the end of your thrill, at the end of your rule-breaking, at the end of your disappointment, your great experience, your school year, your musical, play, etc., its okay to be sad. Sadness is part of being human...
i knew my heart wouldnt be a float for long... and now im back to it feeling, literally, heavy in my chest. as i type its breaking... A feeling that makes you cringe and roll your shoulders forward in pain. im sure this pain isnt good for a long period of time... but i feel like right now i just need to embrace it. i need to accept my defeat.
Love is never hiding, or covering.
Love teaches a valuable, occasionally sick and painful, lesson of humility.
Truth? im having a hard time writing this post. My life has hit a sadness... i knew it would come. The time i knew i would have to walk with God by myself. I wanted so much to not be alone... and i went after the wrong person to do so.
At the end of your thrill, at the end of your rule-breaking, at the end of your disappointment, your great experience, your school year, your musical, play, etc., its okay to be sad. Sadness is part of being human...
i knew my heart wouldnt be a float for long... and now im back to it feeling, literally, heavy in my chest. as i type its breaking... A feeling that makes you cringe and roll your shoulders forward in pain. im sure this pain isnt good for a long period of time... but i feel like right now i just need to embrace it. i need to accept my defeat.
Love is never hiding, or covering.
Love teaches a valuable, occasionally sick and painful, lesson of humility.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
What's In A Name
My Darling, my Love,
Hold me close
My Darling, my Love,
Look into my eyes, tell me im the one.
My Sweetheart, my Joy,
Take my heart, and please employ it,
Priceless, take my love
Dearest, know my soul
Beautiful, oh so beautiful
You hold the key
Wonderful, oh so wonderful
You died for me.
Hold me close
My Darling, my Love,
Look into my eyes, tell me im the one.
My Sweetheart, my Joy,
Take my heart, and please employ it,
Priceless, take my love
Dearest, know my soul
Beautiful, oh so beautiful
You hold the key
Wonderful, oh so wonderful
You died for me.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
You Are Not Alone
To do good in trials, is to show the devil that you can persist through whatever you do. All we think about during trials is ourselves... What can I do to change? What am I doing wrong? What does God want me to do? Oh I'm so sad all the time and I dont know what to do! Do you get the picture? Often, we have destructive war paths when we sin or are strugglig with God. My mom told me, "You know how i know when your father is struggling or sinning? He gets really mad at everyone. He gets this really bad temper, and gets aggravated easily. And i see the same thing in you." Not long after she told me, i was in church, and my pastor was talking about doing good in trials. People can get stuck in our warpaths and we wont notice because we're so busy worrying about ourselves and our problems. We should be focusing on others and making sure we dont sin in our anger and frustration. God is teaching me that Love means all the time. not just when everything is fine and dandy. Love should exist at every stage and moment of our lives. When we think that things in our life are absolutely trashed and fallen, by reaching out to others, we may find Love in the center. We find that we arent alone.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Time
"its time" i said to myself on the eleven hour drive down to Jekyll Island. Id been looking forward to this for weeks. I needed a break, a relief, a re-centering period. Freshmen year has brought me back and forth and over and under and made me do things i regret. Of course, its very very hard for me to ever regret anything...because i know its a part of God's will. Trials we go through will always teach us, and make us the peoeple we are today. Ive done some pretty stupid things, gotten myself into some complicated situations, but also, had the experience of a lifetime. On the upper side, this year has set some good friendship foundations, some good teacher-student foundations, and some good goals. However, on the downside, ive experienced much pain...but, how are we shaped if we arent bent and broken?
I told myself its time. Time for many things. time to sit back and evauate all this. to see where ive been bent, to see where ive been broken. to see what God has taught me and things i need to work on in the future. Its time to change. Time to start making a difference. Making known the fine lines that i have since made blurry.
I want to right the things ive done wrong, to confirm the feelings ive made misshapen.
Where does this all start?
I must start living again for God.
I have to start living for God's purpose in me.
One thing ive got to overcome is leaning on others for my mood, happiness, and satisfaction. I constantly base myself on others. I base myself on their thoughts, weigh myself down with their problems, and force myself to take on responsibility for their emotions. I try to make everyone happy, in a way that i can assure my happiness. Thats never God's plan.
By living for him, i can be made happy with His everlasting joy. I can make others happy by sharing that with them . I can live for others best interest by following God's path for me. I can pursue what God wants me to pursue, pursue Love in its simplest form.
Another thing i must overcome is my sinful self. Now, that job, is never done unfortunately. I am a sinnner. the only One who can overcome this is Jesus Christ my Savior. But, i can be aware of my sin. I must stop all this self pity, all this negativity that flows from me. There are a few factors, if not many factors, about myself that are destructive to myself, and very much so to those around me. alot of me likes to linger in the darkness...why i want to do that? i have no idea. Now, when i say "darkness" i mean my sadness, and sin. I think many, if not most, people like to sit in their sin. we love it too much. but i have to learn to tell myself that sitting in sin is still sitting. eventually, youre going to hate sitting in that same spot. and by then you're in deeper than it is easy to get out of. No one is beyond help, however. Jesus will always be there to bring light to your darkness. No matter how dark it is in the place youre in. our goal as Christians is to bask in the light. To learn to love the light, more than we love our darkness. for light, has an everlasting satisfaction that darkness can never compare to.
Ive decided to try and stop with boys for a while. that doesnt mean i wont write about them! because, dont worry, they'll always be there. but, i need to learn to depend on God first and formost, before i can depend on a boy. Another reason, is because i want to live! i want to follow my dreams, have fun, giggle, laugh, with no restraints! To be faithful to a boy is a wonderful, amazing, and honorable thing! and i WANT that. but i dont want to break hearts because i dont know what i want when im committing to be faithful. i would never cheat. ever. but, i might get involved with one person, then end up liking another, having to switch, and break a heart. i dont want that. i want to figure out what i want before i get it. I need to find out more about my personality, myself, so that i actually know what im giving my boyfriend. i dont date around. i commit to relationships. which means i will give a part of me to people if i get close enough to them... i need to know what im giving, who im giving to, and if that person is good to give it to. To know all these things, i must know myself, and know what i want. yes mother, im finally being smart. ;)
This transition into highschool has made me stronger. i want to take on big things. i want God to teach me of Himself and His ways. I want to change the world as He has changed me. I want to be a way that people would ask me, "Why are you the way you are? Why do you do the things you do?" and i want to be able to answer them...and tell them of the wonders of my Lord and Savior.
I yearn for learning. i want for change. i thirst for passion.
i wait for time.
I told myself its time. Time for many things. time to sit back and evauate all this. to see where ive been bent, to see where ive been broken. to see what God has taught me and things i need to work on in the future. Its time to change. Time to start making a difference. Making known the fine lines that i have since made blurry.
I want to right the things ive done wrong, to confirm the feelings ive made misshapen.
Where does this all start?
I must start living again for God.
I have to start living for God's purpose in me.
One thing ive got to overcome is leaning on others for my mood, happiness, and satisfaction. I constantly base myself on others. I base myself on their thoughts, weigh myself down with their problems, and force myself to take on responsibility for their emotions. I try to make everyone happy, in a way that i can assure my happiness. Thats never God's plan.
By living for him, i can be made happy with His everlasting joy. I can make others happy by sharing that with them . I can live for others best interest by following God's path for me. I can pursue what God wants me to pursue, pursue Love in its simplest form.
Another thing i must overcome is my sinful self. Now, that job, is never done unfortunately. I am a sinnner. the only One who can overcome this is Jesus Christ my Savior. But, i can be aware of my sin. I must stop all this self pity, all this negativity that flows from me. There are a few factors, if not many factors, about myself that are destructive to myself, and very much so to those around me. alot of me likes to linger in the darkness...why i want to do that? i have no idea. Now, when i say "darkness" i mean my sadness, and sin. I think many, if not most, people like to sit in their sin. we love it too much. but i have to learn to tell myself that sitting in sin is still sitting. eventually, youre going to hate sitting in that same spot. and by then you're in deeper than it is easy to get out of. No one is beyond help, however. Jesus will always be there to bring light to your darkness. No matter how dark it is in the place youre in. our goal as Christians is to bask in the light. To learn to love the light, more than we love our darkness. for light, has an everlasting satisfaction that darkness can never compare to.
Ive decided to try and stop with boys for a while. that doesnt mean i wont write about them! because, dont worry, they'll always be there. but, i need to learn to depend on God first and formost, before i can depend on a boy. Another reason, is because i want to live! i want to follow my dreams, have fun, giggle, laugh, with no restraints! To be faithful to a boy is a wonderful, amazing, and honorable thing! and i WANT that. but i dont want to break hearts because i dont know what i want when im committing to be faithful. i would never cheat. ever. but, i might get involved with one person, then end up liking another, having to switch, and break a heart. i dont want that. i want to figure out what i want before i get it. I need to find out more about my personality, myself, so that i actually know what im giving my boyfriend. i dont date around. i commit to relationships. which means i will give a part of me to people if i get close enough to them... i need to know what im giving, who im giving to, and if that person is good to give it to. To know all these things, i must know myself, and know what i want. yes mother, im finally being smart. ;)
This transition into highschool has made me stronger. i want to take on big things. i want God to teach me of Himself and His ways. I want to change the world as He has changed me. I want to be a way that people would ask me, "Why are you the way you are? Why do you do the things you do?" and i want to be able to answer them...and tell them of the wonders of my Lord and Savior.
I yearn for learning. i want for change. i thirst for passion.
i wait for time.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Sometimes Things People Say Are Just Too Important To Let Go Unheard.
"From the start, i thought it was an unwise idea. You knew eachother, but from a third party's view, you really didnt. I adore you and you know that, but that wasnt your shining moment, so therefore it isnt your defining one. He is way too complex to figure out ever. Ive been his friend for a while and im still not wholly in tune with him. If you want what i think, then just stay away from boys. All you need to do right now is find yourself, dont do things things until you know who you are and what you want. You're a freshmen, and as much as i hate to say it, one of the more gifted in multiple ways. Dont throw that away for a boy, none of us are worth it. You've made the mistake that almost every girl makes, the older boy mistake. Dont stick to it, and dont let it make you. Learn from it, and move on. The one girlfriend ive ever had was starting around this time freshmen year. It was really only after we went our separate ways that i learned who i was, and its done wonders. For self esteem, for stress level, and for general mood and happiness. Dont be attached to others for how you should feel. If someone close to you wakes up and is having a bad day, fine, thats different but doesn make you need to have a bad day too. All that matters right now is you. The more boys you have, the less independent you become, and ive seen it happen. its stupid. Define yourself to the world by what you have, not who you have."
--N.B.
--N.B.
Shadows Never Last...
Once upon a time
I was always by your side
While others bleed and die
We kept our love alive
A figure is so perfect until
You look at the shadow after its gone away
After seeing every side, every view
Its still pinned inside of you
To be in love with a shadow
The blurry reflection of what was
Doesnt feel the same
So much pain; you see the mistakes
Somehow you manage this
Love for what was
Flying, Falling, I hear him calling
The shadow speaks again
Can i help but tune in?
Shall i speak at this?
Or shall i hear more?
It follows my every step
How do i know if its content?
As the sun moves, so shall it move
If i lose my grip on what is solid
The shadow will fade
Then the sun...
Captures it.
I was always by your side
While others bleed and die
We kept our love alive
A figure is so perfect until
You look at the shadow after its gone away
After seeing every side, every view
Its still pinned inside of you
To be in love with a shadow
The blurry reflection of what was
Doesnt feel the same
So much pain; you see the mistakes
Somehow you manage this
Love for what was
Flying, Falling, I hear him calling
The shadow speaks again
Can i help but tune in?
Shall i speak at this?
Or shall i hear more?
It follows my every step
How do i know if its content?
As the sun moves, so shall it move
If i lose my grip on what is solid
The shadow will fade
Then the sun...
Captures it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
With Great Change Comes Great Responsibility
So, i changed. I agree with my last post. However, change has never called for much action on my part in the past. After a couple breakdowns, and long hours laying in bed thinking, ive realized i have to take some action.
Some of the change ive gone through this year isnt good. When people say, "Highschool changes you." They arent exaggerating. Going from a private school with a graduating class of 10 girls total, to a school with over a thousand people, you slowly morph into the mix. Your morals are bent, and you dont realize they are until you step back and look at everything. This is the spot im in.
The people i have met this year have changed me. More, the experiences ive had with them. Ive come to the conclusion that trust is misplaced around every corner in the real world. Occasionally, however, you find people like Jessica Tarin, David Robinson, and Alex Moore, who know the real meaning of friendship, trust, and loyalty. But, in the opposing view, your trust needs to be carefully guarded. You need not chase he relationship cloud. Let it come to you. at the beginning of this year i made the mistake of lusting after a relationship. I dug myself in deep. I jumped at the thought that someone was interested in me, therefore, i didnt think about what i was doing. I got involved too fast, and didnt think. the domino effect brought me here. having to completely recenter, find myself, remember the purpose God has for me. Unfortunately, its easier said than done.
Im a mess i guess.
Clinging to the remnants of perfection like most do after they break it.
Its what Ive asked for its what Ive needed.
I know that there were better days,
but to see the light and to feel the rays.
Life was always back and forth
...and we were idling or making useless progress.
Waiting for the rain to stop.
Destination: beautiful.
Someday will come back to us, if you're willing, let it go.
But some say we're headed for destruction
I have to get my world put together. Its funny, when i have alot on my mind, i clean. My room has been spotless for the past three months... i think its time to let go.
Some of the change ive gone through this year isnt good. When people say, "Highschool changes you." They arent exaggerating. Going from a private school with a graduating class of 10 girls total, to a school with over a thousand people, you slowly morph into the mix. Your morals are bent, and you dont realize they are until you step back and look at everything. This is the spot im in.
The people i have met this year have changed me. More, the experiences ive had with them. Ive come to the conclusion that trust is misplaced around every corner in the real world. Occasionally, however, you find people like Jessica Tarin, David Robinson, and Alex Moore, who know the real meaning of friendship, trust, and loyalty. But, in the opposing view, your trust needs to be carefully guarded. You need not chase he relationship cloud. Let it come to you. at the beginning of this year i made the mistake of lusting after a relationship. I dug myself in deep. I jumped at the thought that someone was interested in me, therefore, i didnt think about what i was doing. I got involved too fast, and didnt think. the domino effect brought me here. having to completely recenter, find myself, remember the purpose God has for me. Unfortunately, its easier said than done.
Im a mess i guess.
Clinging to the remnants of perfection like most do after they break it.
Its what Ive asked for its what Ive needed.
I know that there were better days,
but to see the light and to feel the rays.
Life was always back and forth
...and we were idling or making useless progress.
Waiting for the rain to stop.
Destination: beautiful.
Someday will come back to us, if you're willing, let it go.
But some say we're headed for destruction
I have to get my world put together. Its funny, when i have alot on my mind, i clean. My room has been spotless for the past three months... i think its time to let go.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
New Beginnings
Musical has come to an end. The past four months have been a journey. Ive learned of myself, learned about those by my side. People have come into my life, left my life, and some have made their way back in. Looking back at the person i was at auditions, i see a timid singer with a quiet song with no words. My song that im singing of highschool is gently forming. After being handed a lead role in ByeBye Birdie (rosie alvarez) ive become comfortable with my own voice, comfortable at school, and comfortable in my own skin. Im realizing things now that i didnt before. im piecing puzzles together that will form my opinions and morals for the future. i learned to trust. Trust in God, trust in myself, trust in my cast and crew members, trust in my friends. Only in times of trouble will faith reveal itself. We did the show for four nights, and on the second night was when my faith was tested. What is faith without trials? the first night went pretty badly. I was devistated. I had no confidence in anything anymore... Little did i know, God was planning on lifting me up out of my darkness because of my humility. How can God lift up a prideful man in good time? Whats the point? thats what i didnt realize. God humbled me, and friday was the best performance. God has big plans for my learning during highschool and as Freshmen year is coming to a close, and i am a changed girl already. I cant wait to see what He has in store for me soon. Praise God.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
My Favorite Holiday
You know, here are a few things i think are really great. Not in any particular order, but just as they come to my head.
1. The tickling scent of Love in a breeze
2. Heart Shaped Candies that say "Be Mine" on them
3. All television shows themed with aspects of teenage love
4. Teenage love! because its absolutely silly and wonderful at the same time
5. Silly boys who like to hug you aaaalll the time and dont want to let go. (coughcough)
6. Pink Lights in Windows of My Neighborhood
7. BillBoards with Red Paper and Heart Shapes
8. Carnations with To and From tags on them going on sale at school
9. The one day a year when you know ANYTHING could happen
10. The one day a year that you wont get in trouble for showing you care about someone
Can you tell whats getting close?
1. The tickling scent of Love in a breeze
2. Heart Shaped Candies that say "Be Mine" on them
3. All television shows themed with aspects of teenage love
4. Teenage love! because its absolutely silly and wonderful at the same time
5. Silly boys who like to hug you aaaalll the time and dont want to let go. (coughcough)
6. Pink Lights in Windows of My Neighborhood
7. BillBoards with Red Paper and Heart Shapes
8. Carnations with To and From tags on them going on sale at school
9. The one day a year when you know ANYTHING could happen
10. The one day a year that you wont get in trouble for showing you care about someone
Can you tell whats getting close?
Monday, January 31, 2011
When Rain Falls
I walked home from the bus at 10:45am today. It was raining. I then realized the irony to this scene.
This weekend has been a trip. I started it off thinking it was going to be pretty uneventful. Choir Saturday morning, Youth Band Sunday morning, homework Sunday night. I had no plans, no motives, i thought i had it all planned out and it was going to go the way i thought it would. You know the saying, "When men plans, God laughs."? That saying made itself clear this weekend.
I lay in bed trying to sleep Friday night, when, all of a sudden, it feels like someone is pushing a dagger under my left ribcage. I sit up, and try to breathe. The pain stays for about five minutes. Just long enough to make me almost call my mother in the room. After it subsides, i lay back down, and breathe. "Just breathe anna..." i told myself.
I wake up the next morning completely fine. I'm excited to start the day because i get to spend the next two days at my church. A place where i can be myself, and be peaceful. I take a shower, get dressed, make some coffee, blowdry my hair, put on some makeup, and eat a banana. Fairly casual. Me and my mom talk while she drives me to practice. Im pretty sore, because ive been pushing it these last few weeks. I get into church and spend about 10 minutes talking to Seth. That boy...
As we're singing on the risors, the pain from the night before comes back...it starts affecting my breathing. I try to let it go. By the time we go sit down im shaking and cant breathe at all. The woman next to me asked if i was ok, then Ms. Fields, my choir director, asks whats wrong. I tell her i cant breathe and start to hyperventilate. The pain in my side grows. Now someone is twisting the dagger... Everyone lays me on the ground and i start to shiver uncontrollably, and cry, and scream from the pain. My breathing hasnt slowed. The people around me all begin to pray after they cover me with jackets. I scream and clutch my cross necklace. They call the paramedics, and about ten minutes later my mom and an ambulance arrive...
My mother tells me to picture Nashville. I try to concentrate, but my arms go numb. i cant move them. They get me on the stretcher and put me in the ambulance.
By now they've stuck stickers and tubes on me. They did an IV where they stick a HUGE needle through my bicep. I still cant feel my arms and legs, and soon my chest, abdominal area, and mouth go numb as well. They tell me to concentrate on breathing, because my heart rate needed to go down. They said i wasnt able to move my body because no oxygen was getting to my system and everything was freezing up. They talked to me about school and choir and stuff. Also Seth and what was going on between the two of us. (i have no idea why they asked so dont ask me...) I then heard a familliar tune in my head, and someone singing to me in the hospital office... "And ill stand, with arms high and heart surrendered. In awe, of the One who gave it all. Ill stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered. All i am, is Yours..." his voice echoed in my head...
I came back to reality when my mom asked me what i was thinking about. I didnt tell her.
I started breathing normally again soon, but i didnt stop crying. They hooked me up to more tubes, did a KG to check my heart, took some more blood. I started calming down... i regained movement, but i was very weak.
They told me i had an anxiety attack. All i wanted at that moment was to have my loved ones near me... "God was with me the whole time..." I thought. And i wanted my other loved ones there as well. When my dad walked into my room i started to cry again...I thought id never see him again...
they didnt know what the pain was from. And they still dont. But im supposed to get some tests done to find out later. The anxiety attacks are easily treated. So i wasnt very worried when i left the hospital. I dont want to change my schedule, but my mom is making me quit some things...
As i lay in my bed the rest of that day i think of the list of people in my head i have to call. "They'll want to know..." I thought. Jessica, Seth...( definitely Seth. He was there when it happened... and i missed him...) Jenna, and David. I called Jessica and she was worried, and she cried of course. ( love you sweet pea) But she was there for me...They all were. I had so many people praying for me at that moment...And i realized how blessed i am.
Poor Seth. He had to watch me go through something like that and i felt terrible. He couldnt wait to see me. And of course i couldnt wait to see him. I thought about telling him how i heard him singing to me in my head in the hospital room...but i didnt. God sent him to me...he was my angel.
Jenna was upset she wasnt in the hospital room with me. I love that girl so much. Shes been through these situations alot, and she wanted to be there. I wanted her to be there. I said to myself many times, "Jenna would know what to do...i want Jenna..." But since i didnt stay in the hospital long enough to call her, i had to wait till i got home. I promise ill call next time sweetie.
8:30am, Sunday morning, 1/30/11.
i was walking down the driveway of my church. Hell no was i missing church because of a stupid anxiety attack. Yeah, i probably shouldve rested, but i wanted to Praise the One who brought me through that disaster. I saw Seth walking out to meet me there. He pulled me into a big bear hug. One that i didnt realize how much i missed. Mark and the rest of the band hadnt gotten there yet, so we walked over to the stairwell to wait. He wrapped his arms around me for a minute or two, and asked me how i was. I told him about the fight my family had the night before, and how my brother didnt seem to care about my going to the hospital whatsoever. Also about how i spent a half an hour sitting in the bottom of my shower, crying about the events of the day. He listened. We sat on the stairs and discussed the changes that would have to be made in order to prevent the events of the day before. The kid is strict! I listened while Seth Brummund told me to "take it easy" . Haha, he knew i wouldnt listen. But im trying. Really i am.
Mark got there eventually and we had a fail of a band practice. I dont know if we'll be ready for tonight or not. As church went on, I sang in choir, and Seth didnt leave my side the whole time. He sat next to me in church, always keeping one eye on me, every once in a while asking if i was ok. No one had ever done something like that for me before...It was really comforting. I felt like someone was watching out for me. None of my past guyfriends had ever done anything like that for me before. I hope someday ill be able to return the favor.
I praised God with passion in my heart...I couldnt explain how grateful i was to Him for bringing me through it...
Seth and i had another one of our walks together. We discussed alot of things. We discussed why we werent dating, what the meaning of that word was, how we felt about eachother, how our parents would feel about it, and more importantly, how God would feel about it. Our conversation was put on hold for his sister, Claire, (sweetest thing ever) who invited us to lunch. Me, Seth,Claire, Sam (Claire's boyfriend), Will, and Will's sister Claire. We had a blast! Blueberry Hill in the loop, and lots of laughs. They know how to have fun.
Seth drove me home...We talked some more about our relationship. It seems as though this is going to be a good, exciting, wonderful adventure.
So what, you may ask, is the irony of my walking home in the rain on this ordinary monday? It signified many things to me:
1) A new beginning. I start adventures with every day. But as the rain fell down on my face, cool and comforting, i felt God's presence watching over me. He's taking me on a new path, and im ready to take it.
2) Cleansing. I was realizing that its ok to be sad. Its what you do with your sadness that effects you. When you let the storm come down and dont let things go until theyr just recycling in your mind, you can end up in a bad place. Even the hospital! Ive decided to let go of my past...God has forgiven me, and i have forgiven the people i was thinking about.
3) Change. Rain isnt a regular occurence. It only comes every once in a while. But when it comes, it rejuvinates the world, supplying the energy or reason for things to grow and learn. I have to make some changes, and i know i will learn from this experience
And, Finally,
4) Peace. Rain brings a quietness to the world. We let it do what it does best, and stop trying to work around it. We let it come down the way it wants to.
I think its time for me to stop trying to plan my own way. Let the rain fall, and stop trying to work around the way God is willing my life.
This weekend has been a trip. I started it off thinking it was going to be pretty uneventful. Choir Saturday morning, Youth Band Sunday morning, homework Sunday night. I had no plans, no motives, i thought i had it all planned out and it was going to go the way i thought it would. You know the saying, "When men plans, God laughs."? That saying made itself clear this weekend.
I lay in bed trying to sleep Friday night, when, all of a sudden, it feels like someone is pushing a dagger under my left ribcage. I sit up, and try to breathe. The pain stays for about five minutes. Just long enough to make me almost call my mother in the room. After it subsides, i lay back down, and breathe. "Just breathe anna..." i told myself.
I wake up the next morning completely fine. I'm excited to start the day because i get to spend the next two days at my church. A place where i can be myself, and be peaceful. I take a shower, get dressed, make some coffee, blowdry my hair, put on some makeup, and eat a banana. Fairly casual. Me and my mom talk while she drives me to practice. Im pretty sore, because ive been pushing it these last few weeks. I get into church and spend about 10 minutes talking to Seth. That boy...
As we're singing on the risors, the pain from the night before comes back...it starts affecting my breathing. I try to let it go. By the time we go sit down im shaking and cant breathe at all. The woman next to me asked if i was ok, then Ms. Fields, my choir director, asks whats wrong. I tell her i cant breathe and start to hyperventilate. The pain in my side grows. Now someone is twisting the dagger... Everyone lays me on the ground and i start to shiver uncontrollably, and cry, and scream from the pain. My breathing hasnt slowed. The people around me all begin to pray after they cover me with jackets. I scream and clutch my cross necklace. They call the paramedics, and about ten minutes later my mom and an ambulance arrive...
My mother tells me to picture Nashville. I try to concentrate, but my arms go numb. i cant move them. They get me on the stretcher and put me in the ambulance.
By now they've stuck stickers and tubes on me. They did an IV where they stick a HUGE needle through my bicep. I still cant feel my arms and legs, and soon my chest, abdominal area, and mouth go numb as well. They tell me to concentrate on breathing, because my heart rate needed to go down. They said i wasnt able to move my body because no oxygen was getting to my system and everything was freezing up. They talked to me about school and choir and stuff. Also Seth and what was going on between the two of us. (i have no idea why they asked so dont ask me...) I then heard a familliar tune in my head, and someone singing to me in the hospital office... "And ill stand, with arms high and heart surrendered. In awe, of the One who gave it all. Ill stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered. All i am, is Yours..." his voice echoed in my head...
I came back to reality when my mom asked me what i was thinking about. I didnt tell her.
I started breathing normally again soon, but i didnt stop crying. They hooked me up to more tubes, did a KG to check my heart, took some more blood. I started calming down... i regained movement, but i was very weak.
They told me i had an anxiety attack. All i wanted at that moment was to have my loved ones near me... "God was with me the whole time..." I thought. And i wanted my other loved ones there as well. When my dad walked into my room i started to cry again...I thought id never see him again...
they didnt know what the pain was from. And they still dont. But im supposed to get some tests done to find out later. The anxiety attacks are easily treated. So i wasnt very worried when i left the hospital. I dont want to change my schedule, but my mom is making me quit some things...
As i lay in my bed the rest of that day i think of the list of people in my head i have to call. "They'll want to know..." I thought. Jessica, Seth...( definitely Seth. He was there when it happened... and i missed him...) Jenna, and David. I called Jessica and she was worried, and she cried of course. ( love you sweet pea) But she was there for me...They all were. I had so many people praying for me at that moment...And i realized how blessed i am.
Poor Seth. He had to watch me go through something like that and i felt terrible. He couldnt wait to see me. And of course i couldnt wait to see him. I thought about telling him how i heard him singing to me in my head in the hospital room...but i didnt. God sent him to me...he was my angel.
Jenna was upset she wasnt in the hospital room with me. I love that girl so much. Shes been through these situations alot, and she wanted to be there. I wanted her to be there. I said to myself many times, "Jenna would know what to do...i want Jenna..." But since i didnt stay in the hospital long enough to call her, i had to wait till i got home. I promise ill call next time sweetie.
8:30am, Sunday morning, 1/30/11.
i was walking down the driveway of my church. Hell no was i missing church because of a stupid anxiety attack. Yeah, i probably shouldve rested, but i wanted to Praise the One who brought me through that disaster. I saw Seth walking out to meet me there. He pulled me into a big bear hug. One that i didnt realize how much i missed. Mark and the rest of the band hadnt gotten there yet, so we walked over to the stairwell to wait. He wrapped his arms around me for a minute or two, and asked me how i was. I told him about the fight my family had the night before, and how my brother didnt seem to care about my going to the hospital whatsoever. Also about how i spent a half an hour sitting in the bottom of my shower, crying about the events of the day. He listened. We sat on the stairs and discussed the changes that would have to be made in order to prevent the events of the day before. The kid is strict! I listened while Seth Brummund told me to "take it easy" . Haha, he knew i wouldnt listen. But im trying. Really i am.
Mark got there eventually and we had a fail of a band practice. I dont know if we'll be ready for tonight or not. As church went on, I sang in choir, and Seth didnt leave my side the whole time. He sat next to me in church, always keeping one eye on me, every once in a while asking if i was ok. No one had ever done something like that for me before...It was really comforting. I felt like someone was watching out for me. None of my past guyfriends had ever done anything like that for me before. I hope someday ill be able to return the favor.
I praised God with passion in my heart...I couldnt explain how grateful i was to Him for bringing me through it...
Seth and i had another one of our walks together. We discussed alot of things. We discussed why we werent dating, what the meaning of that word was, how we felt about eachother, how our parents would feel about it, and more importantly, how God would feel about it. Our conversation was put on hold for his sister, Claire, (sweetest thing ever) who invited us to lunch. Me, Seth,Claire, Sam (Claire's boyfriend), Will, and Will's sister Claire. We had a blast! Blueberry Hill in the loop, and lots of laughs. They know how to have fun.
Seth drove me home...We talked some more about our relationship. It seems as though this is going to be a good, exciting, wonderful adventure.
So what, you may ask, is the irony of my walking home in the rain on this ordinary monday? It signified many things to me:
1) A new beginning. I start adventures with every day. But as the rain fell down on my face, cool and comforting, i felt God's presence watching over me. He's taking me on a new path, and im ready to take it.
2) Cleansing. I was realizing that its ok to be sad. Its what you do with your sadness that effects you. When you let the storm come down and dont let things go until theyr just recycling in your mind, you can end up in a bad place. Even the hospital! Ive decided to let go of my past...God has forgiven me, and i have forgiven the people i was thinking about.
3) Change. Rain isnt a regular occurence. It only comes every once in a while. But when it comes, it rejuvinates the world, supplying the energy or reason for things to grow and learn. I have to make some changes, and i know i will learn from this experience
And, Finally,
4) Peace. Rain brings a quietness to the world. We let it do what it does best, and stop trying to work around it. We let it come down the way it wants to.
I think its time for me to stop trying to plan my own way. Let the rain fall, and stop trying to work around the way God is willing my life.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
When We Fell
It started out as always, true
Something innocent you could run to
We said its ok, we could deal with these problems another day
I knew my place, a spot next to you
So beautiful, so charming
Unmistakably...silent
We fell, we fell hard
Both hurt and looking for love
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings i cant understand
We bruised, we were cut fast
Both left and lonely hearts as before
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings we wont confirm
A typical adolescent scene
Where were you, skipping essential steps
Now we're here, expressing confirmed relationship
But i never got to that place...
Where did you go?
What happened to my perfect exception?
Here i am, "clinging to the remnants of perfection like most do after they break it"
Dont know where my path goes
But my one question...Where will you go...because...
We fell, we fell hard
Both hurt and looking for love
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings i cant understand
We bruised, we were cut fast
Both left and lonely hearts as before
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings we wont confirm
No thoughts, no words, only unsaid feelings...
And no where to turn.
Something innocent you could run to
We said its ok, we could deal with these problems another day
I knew my place, a spot next to you
So beautiful, so charming
Unmistakably...silent
We fell, we fell hard
Both hurt and looking for love
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings i cant understand
We bruised, we were cut fast
Both left and lonely hearts as before
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings we wont confirm
A typical adolescent scene
Where were you, skipping essential steps
Now we're here, expressing confirmed relationship
But i never got to that place...
Where did you go?
What happened to my perfect exception?
Here i am, "clinging to the remnants of perfection like most do after they break it"
Dont know where my path goes
But my one question...Where will you go...because...
We fell, we fell hard
Both hurt and looking for love
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings i cant understand
We bruised, we were cut fast
Both left and lonely hearts as before
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings we wont confirm
No thoughts, no words, only unsaid feelings...
And no where to turn.
"When God Made You..."
"When God made you, He must've been thinking about me."
This quote has become so apparent in my life at this time. It's saying, that long long ago, before any of us existed and God was planning the Universe, He though about what every single solitary person in every single solitary person's life, would need. When He created you and me, i imagine Him thinking to Himself, "Ok, so this person will need this person at this time in their life, but not this time. However, they'll need this person throughout their whole life. So ill program them like this..." Then He picks their parents and our parents, and we are born and somehow, we find our way to eachother. With some people, they were only meant to be with us in one time of their life. Then with others, they need to be there throughout our whole lives. God plans that! i mean, yes we havea choice, but we were CREATED to find eachother. Now, you may be thinking im talking about a boy, but im appealing to all audiences. God created both my parents in a specific way, so they would fall in love with eachother, and He created them the way He created them and let them go through what they went through and learned what they learned, because they were going to have me. Of course, not all because they were going to have me, but you get the point. And the amazing thing is, He did that with every one of you, everyone ive ever come in contact with, and so many others with so many other situations!! I think that shows us a glimpse of how big God is. He did all this in the blink of an eye. My Savior planned this universe. And if thats only a glimpse of what He is? Im boggling my mind trying to think of what else He is...
Recently, the course of events in my life have been strangely sequential. God is making Himself apparent in my life in many ways, but one is the people He's bringing and has brought to me. I'm beginning to see parts of what His plan was and it going the way He knew it would go...These people are making me who i am to be in this life. Aside from God they impact me so much more than i couldve imagined...they all came at a specific time in my life for a specific reason. Some seasonal, and some will be my life long friends and companions. im so blessed for Joann, Sam, Claire, Seth, Megan, Gabby, David, Jenna, Jessica, and so many more. When God made you, He must have been thinking about me...
This quote has become so apparent in my life at this time. It's saying, that long long ago, before any of us existed and God was planning the Universe, He though about what every single solitary person in every single solitary person's life, would need. When He created you and me, i imagine Him thinking to Himself, "Ok, so this person will need this person at this time in their life, but not this time. However, they'll need this person throughout their whole life. So ill program them like this..." Then He picks their parents and our parents, and we are born and somehow, we find our way to eachother. With some people, they were only meant to be with us in one time of their life. Then with others, they need to be there throughout our whole lives. God plans that! i mean, yes we havea choice, but we were CREATED to find eachother. Now, you may be thinking im talking about a boy, but im appealing to all audiences. God created both my parents in a specific way, so they would fall in love with eachother, and He created them the way He created them and let them go through what they went through and learned what they learned, because they were going to have me. Of course, not all because they were going to have me, but you get the point. And the amazing thing is, He did that with every one of you, everyone ive ever come in contact with, and so many others with so many other situations!! I think that shows us a glimpse of how big God is. He did all this in the blink of an eye. My Savior planned this universe. And if thats only a glimpse of what He is? Im boggling my mind trying to think of what else He is...
Recently, the course of events in my life have been strangely sequential. God is making Himself apparent in my life in many ways, but one is the people He's bringing and has brought to me. I'm beginning to see parts of what His plan was and it going the way He knew it would go...These people are making me who i am to be in this life. Aside from God they impact me so much more than i couldve imagined...they all came at a specific time in my life for a specific reason. Some seasonal, and some will be my life long friends and companions. im so blessed for Joann, Sam, Claire, Seth, Megan, Gabby, David, Jenna, Jessica, and so many more. When God made you, He must have been thinking about me...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Forgetting What You Had, And Finding It Again
The New Year came and went. Now its back to business. I had to make a decision about someone...and honestly it broke me...however, i chose to side with God...and not myself. God carried me through and i rode on wings of eagles... He made everything better. This one person made my sun shine. but with God, not only my sun, but my heavens, my heart, and my face are now shining because He is with me. i had forgotten what that felt like... an aspect of Love might be coming back to what you realized was the right thing in the first place...it just took a wrong turn for you to realize it...
Monday, January 3, 2011
After The New Year Comes...End of Christmas Break
Yes, 2011 has started. I'd like to share with you two excerpts from two songs. Theyre both about the new year. however, what id like you to realize, is the two ways one should look at the new year.
Death Cab does an amazing job of putting into perspective the fact that the new year is just another day. whats the point in celebrating the fact that we dont change? We dress up, we get special drinks, we have special traditions, we make resolutions that we break within a week. We believe in so mch hope for the news year, but by the time a month has gone by we forget everything. We no longer have the hope we did a mid that one night. We get beat down by the economy, politics, family issues, broken dreams, broken relationships, everything. Lets try to break that one New Years tradition that everyone so promptly follows.
The New Year- Death Cab for Cutie
So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).
So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions
So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one
I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.
There'd be no distance that could hold us back [x2]
So this is the new year [x4]
If you listen to the whole song of Parachute's then you may be discouraged. However, they do a great job in their chorus at the end. He doesnt just talk about the one night that we all celebrate. He recognizes the 364 other days that we have to keep the faith. Keep the hope. Love exists in hope.
The New Year- Parachute
End Chorus--
But was it really that bad (This past year)
And could it be better
Well I don't know, but with you I still have hope
That this, could be, oh my year
(We have) Three hundred and sixty four more days
One million chances left to find you and to see your face
Making light out of my shadows
Finally get to zero and maybe we'll both say (x2)
Oh what a way to start the new year
Death Cab does an amazing job of putting into perspective the fact that the new year is just another day. whats the point in celebrating the fact that we dont change? We dress up, we get special drinks, we have special traditions, we make resolutions that we break within a week. We believe in so mch hope for the news year, but by the time a month has gone by we forget everything. We no longer have the hope we did a mid that one night. We get beat down by the economy, politics, family issues, broken dreams, broken relationships, everything. Lets try to break that one New Years tradition that everyone so promptly follows.
The New Year- Death Cab for Cutie
So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).
So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions
So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one
I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.
There'd be no distance that could hold us back [x2]
So this is the new year [x4]
If you listen to the whole song of Parachute's then you may be discouraged. However, they do a great job in their chorus at the end. He doesnt just talk about the one night that we all celebrate. He recognizes the 364 other days that we have to keep the faith. Keep the hope. Love exists in hope.
The New Year- Parachute
End Chorus--
But was it really that bad (This past year)
And could it be better
Well I don't know, but with you I still have hope
That this, could be, oh my year
(We have) Three hundred and sixty four more days
One million chances left to find you and to see your face
Making light out of my shadows
Finally get to zero and maybe we'll both say (x2)
Oh what a way to start the new year
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