I walked home from the bus at 10:45am today. It was raining. I then realized the irony to this scene.
This weekend has been a trip. I started it off thinking it was going to be pretty uneventful. Choir Saturday morning, Youth Band Sunday morning, homework Sunday night. I had no plans, no motives, i thought i had it all planned out and it was going to go the way i thought it would. You know the saying, "When men plans, God laughs."? That saying made itself clear this weekend.
I lay in bed trying to sleep Friday night, when, all of a sudden, it feels like someone is pushing a dagger under my left ribcage. I sit up, and try to breathe. The pain stays for about five minutes. Just long enough to make me almost call my mother in the room. After it subsides, i lay back down, and breathe. "Just breathe anna..." i told myself.
I wake up the next morning completely fine. I'm excited to start the day because i get to spend the next two days at my church. A place where i can be myself, and be peaceful. I take a shower, get dressed, make some coffee, blowdry my hair, put on some makeup, and eat a banana. Fairly casual. Me and my mom talk while she drives me to practice. Im pretty sore, because ive been pushing it these last few weeks. I get into church and spend about 10 minutes talking to Seth. That boy...
As we're singing on the risors, the pain from the night before comes back...it starts affecting my breathing. I try to let it go. By the time we go sit down im shaking and cant breathe at all. The woman next to me asked if i was ok, then Ms. Fields, my choir director, asks whats wrong. I tell her i cant breathe and start to hyperventilate. The pain in my side grows. Now someone is twisting the dagger... Everyone lays me on the ground and i start to shiver uncontrollably, and cry, and scream from the pain. My breathing hasnt slowed. The people around me all begin to pray after they cover me with jackets. I scream and clutch my cross necklace. They call the paramedics, and about ten minutes later my mom and an ambulance arrive...
My mother tells me to picture Nashville. I try to concentrate, but my arms go numb. i cant move them. They get me on the stretcher and put me in the ambulance.
By now they've stuck stickers and tubes on me. They did an IV where they stick a HUGE needle through my bicep. I still cant feel my arms and legs, and soon my chest, abdominal area, and mouth go numb as well. They tell me to concentrate on breathing, because my heart rate needed to go down. They said i wasnt able to move my body because no oxygen was getting to my system and everything was freezing up. They talked to me about school and choir and stuff. Also Seth and what was going on between the two of us. (i have no idea why they asked so dont ask me...) I then heard a familliar tune in my head, and someone singing to me in the hospital office... "And ill stand, with arms high and heart surrendered. In awe, of the One who gave it all. Ill stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered. All i am, is Yours..." his voice echoed in my head...
I came back to reality when my mom asked me what i was thinking about. I didnt tell her.
I started breathing normally again soon, but i didnt stop crying. They hooked me up to more tubes, did a KG to check my heart, took some more blood. I started calming down... i regained movement, but i was very weak.
They told me i had an anxiety attack. All i wanted at that moment was to have my loved ones near me... "God was with me the whole time..." I thought. And i wanted my other loved ones there as well. When my dad walked into my room i started to cry again...I thought id never see him again...
they didnt know what the pain was from. And they still dont. But im supposed to get some tests done to find out later. The anxiety attacks are easily treated. So i wasnt very worried when i left the hospital. I dont want to change my schedule, but my mom is making me quit some things...
As i lay in my bed the rest of that day i think of the list of people in my head i have to call. "They'll want to know..." I thought. Jessica, Seth...( definitely Seth. He was there when it happened... and i missed him...) Jenna, and David. I called Jessica and she was worried, and she cried of course. ( love you sweet pea) But she was there for me...They all were. I had so many people praying for me at that moment...And i realized how blessed i am.
Poor Seth. He had to watch me go through something like that and i felt terrible. He couldnt wait to see me. And of course i couldnt wait to see him. I thought about telling him how i heard him singing to me in my head in the hospital room...but i didnt. God sent him to me...he was my angel.
Jenna was upset she wasnt in the hospital room with me. I love that girl so much. Shes been through these situations alot, and she wanted to be there. I wanted her to be there. I said to myself many times, "Jenna would know what to do...i want Jenna..." But since i didnt stay in the hospital long enough to call her, i had to wait till i got home. I promise ill call next time sweetie.
8:30am, Sunday morning, 1/30/11.
i was walking down the driveway of my church. Hell no was i missing church because of a stupid anxiety attack. Yeah, i probably shouldve rested, but i wanted to Praise the One who brought me through that disaster. I saw Seth walking out to meet me there. He pulled me into a big bear hug. One that i didnt realize how much i missed. Mark and the rest of the band hadnt gotten there yet, so we walked over to the stairwell to wait. He wrapped his arms around me for a minute or two, and asked me how i was. I told him about the fight my family had the night before, and how my brother didnt seem to care about my going to the hospital whatsoever. Also about how i spent a half an hour sitting in the bottom of my shower, crying about the events of the day. He listened. We sat on the stairs and discussed the changes that would have to be made in order to prevent the events of the day before. The kid is strict! I listened while Seth Brummund told me to "take it easy" . Haha, he knew i wouldnt listen. But im trying. Really i am.
Mark got there eventually and we had a fail of a band practice. I dont know if we'll be ready for tonight or not. As church went on, I sang in choir, and Seth didnt leave my side the whole time. He sat next to me in church, always keeping one eye on me, every once in a while asking if i was ok. No one had ever done something like that for me before...It was really comforting. I felt like someone was watching out for me. None of my past guyfriends had ever done anything like that for me before. I hope someday ill be able to return the favor.
I praised God with passion in my heart...I couldnt explain how grateful i was to Him for bringing me through it...
Seth and i had another one of our walks together. We discussed alot of things. We discussed why we werent dating, what the meaning of that word was, how we felt about eachother, how our parents would feel about it, and more importantly, how God would feel about it. Our conversation was put on hold for his sister, Claire, (sweetest thing ever) who invited us to lunch. Me, Seth,Claire, Sam (Claire's boyfriend), Will, and Will's sister Claire. We had a blast! Blueberry Hill in the loop, and lots of laughs. They know how to have fun.
Seth drove me home...We talked some more about our relationship. It seems as though this is going to be a good, exciting, wonderful adventure.
So what, you may ask, is the irony of my walking home in the rain on this ordinary monday? It signified many things to me:
1) A new beginning. I start adventures with every day. But as the rain fell down on my face, cool and comforting, i felt God's presence watching over me. He's taking me on a new path, and im ready to take it.
2) Cleansing. I was realizing that its ok to be sad. Its what you do with your sadness that effects you. When you let the storm come down and dont let things go until theyr just recycling in your mind, you can end up in a bad place. Even the hospital! Ive decided to let go of my past...God has forgiven me, and i have forgiven the people i was thinking about.
3) Change. Rain isnt a regular occurence. It only comes every once in a while. But when it comes, it rejuvinates the world, supplying the energy or reason for things to grow and learn. I have to make some changes, and i know i will learn from this experience
And, Finally,
4) Peace. Rain brings a quietness to the world. We let it do what it does best, and stop trying to work around it. We let it come down the way it wants to.
I think its time for me to stop trying to plan my own way. Let the rain fall, and stop trying to work around the way God is willing my life.
:(
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