Time

"its time" i said to myself on the eleven hour drive down to Jekyll Island. Id been looking forward to this for weeks. I needed a break, a relief, a re-centering period. Freshmen year has brought me back and forth and over and under and made me do things i regret. Of course, its very very hard for me to ever regret anything...because i know its a part of God's will. Trials we go through will always teach us, and make us the peoeple we are today. Ive done some pretty stupid things, gotten myself into some complicated situations, but also, had the experience of a lifetime. On the upper side, this year has set some good friendship foundations, some good teacher-student foundations, and some good goals. However, on the downside, ive experienced much pain...but, how are we shaped if we arent bent and broken?
I told myself its time. Time for many things. time to sit back and evauate all this. to see where ive been bent, to see where ive been broken. to see what God has taught me and things i need to work on in the future. Its time to change. Time to start making a difference. Making known the fine lines that i have since made blurry.
I want to right the things ive done wrong, to confirm the feelings ive made misshapen.
Where does this all start?
          I must start living again for God.
I have to start living for God's purpose in me.
         One thing ive got to overcome is leaning on others for my mood, happiness, and satisfaction. I constantly base myself on others. I base myself on their thoughts, weigh myself down with their problems, and force myself to take on responsibility for their emotions. I try to make everyone happy, in a way that i can assure my happiness. Thats never God's plan.
By living for him, i can be made happy with His everlasting joy. I can make others happy by sharing that with them . I can live for others best interest by following God's path for me. I can pursue what God wants me to pursue, pursue Love in its simplest form.
       Another thing i must overcome is my sinful self. Now, that job, is never done unfortunately. I am a sinnner. the only One who can overcome this is Jesus Christ my Savior. But, i can be aware of my sin. I must stop all this self pity, all this negativity that flows from me. There are a few factors, if not many factors, about myself that are destructive to myself, and very much so to those around me. alot of me likes to linger in the darkness...why i want to do that? i have no idea. Now, when i say "darkness" i mean my sadness, and sin. I think many, if not most, people like to sit in their sin. we love it too much. but i have to learn to tell myself that sitting in sin is still sitting. eventually, youre going to hate sitting in that same spot. and by then you're in deeper than it is easy to get out of. No one is beyond help, however. Jesus will always be there to bring light to your darkness. No matter how dark it is in the place youre in. our goal as Christians is to bask in the light. To learn to love the light, more than we love our darkness. for light, has an everlasting satisfaction that darkness can never compare to.
       Ive decided to try and stop with boys for a while. that doesnt mean i wont write about them! because, dont worry, they'll always be there. but, i need to learn to depend on God first and formost, before i can depend on a boy. Another reason, is because i want to live! i want to follow my dreams, have fun, giggle, laugh, with no restraints! To be faithful to a boy is a wonderful, amazing, and honorable thing! and i WANT that. but i dont want to break hearts because i dont know what i want when im committing to be faithful. i would never cheat. ever. but, i might get involved with one person, then end up liking another, having to switch, and break a heart. i dont want that. i want to figure out what i want before i get it.  I need to find out more about my personality, myself, so that i actually know what im giving my boyfriend. i dont date around. i commit to relationships. which means i will give a part of me to people if i get close enough to them... i need to know what im giving, who im giving to, and if that person is good to give it to. To know all these things, i must know myself, and know what i want. yes mother, im finally being smart. ;)

This transition into highschool has made me stronger. i want to take on big things. i want God to teach me of Himself and His ways. I want to change the world as He has changed me. I want to be a way that people would ask me, "Why are you the way you are? Why do you do the things you do?" and i want to be able to answer them...and tell them of the wonders of my Lord and Savior.

I yearn for learning. i want for change. i thirst for passion.

i wait for time.