WARNING: Contents of this blog post are squarely my venting. Contents will be selfish and absurd. i dont mean them to be, and i know i need to change how im feeling, but i needed to vent in some way.
i guess nobody really knows what's going on underneath. and you cant expect them to. but when you tell them how hard it actually is, you'd think they might pay some kind of attention to it. i think i expect way too much out of people sometimes. i dont think they understand i need to do one thing at a time. and sometimes... i feel like they dont even care about me at all. they just want to know what their agenda is with me, and what our issue is at the time. i feel like i cant talk to them about anything anymore without hurting them because i dont have the mind capacity to deal with my relationship with them right now. and this is largely, if not wholly, because im so confused and messed up with the things going on in my life. if i want to solve the problem they talk to me about all the time, i have to get to the root of it. i probably wouldnt even have a problem in our relationship if i was square in my life. but im not. i have a pyramid of problems piling up on me, and if i only deal with the top problems, the bottom ones still exist and the top ones will keep coming back. i need to clear my mind, and see how i can fix these big problems at the bottom of my pyramid. but i hope my best friends come back to me. because i fear ive lost them. things arent the same anymore...maybe thats the whole problem with this. i dont think i want that change.
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