I bet 73% of you saw this title and thought, "Oh goodie! Kristianna is going to talk about her love life!"
Made ya look.
There's something beautiful about chemistry. The fact that people can merely be in the vicinity of one another and feel a gravitational pull just blows my mind.
What use can we make out of this feeling?
I am sad to admit that myself, and if I may be so bold as to speak for many others my age, feel the need to act upon this feeling whenever it occurs--whether that be in pursuit, confrontation, or even nullifying the experience. By no means am I saying that this is wrong, but I think we forget that there are other options. How come we can't just see the feeling, accept it, and grow upon that fondness? How come we must perceive it as a means to woo? It scares me that because I forget to consider these options, I could miss out on an enlightening and important acquaintanceship.
I would like to point out that the word "romance" does not have to be an adjective associated only with attraction. Nor does it have to include two people. Yes, the first definition that comes up on Google is "associated with love," but even then, love has so many different forms that romance can build upon. I am doing my best recently not to look at life with such a pigeon-holed view. To me, romance has come to be associated with sentimentalism, nostalgia, the art of extracting happiness from common things, adventure, and pureness of heart. I'm finding that living a romantic life is about living a life worthy of a smile--worthy of a sweet recognition that simplicity is beautiful and grand gestures of affection towards others, the self, the earth, and the Lord are a unique perspective that can open one's eyes to a life worthy of poetry and artful experiences. Living every day like one is painting an intimate and intricate picture can be liberating and joyful.
So, when two people come across one another and there is a clear sense of chemistry and fondness, why not share these things? Why not discuss and experience together a romance that is innocent and whose only goal is to learn and grow? I find great peace in this option. It makes me smile only to think about the joy that could come out of living life in this way. It reminds me of my childhood--how I would get up every day, see that the sun was out, and go outside to play, waiting for someone to come along. I didn't look for them or expect them to show up. I just went on my own romantic way, playing pretend and collecting every flower I saw. And when one did come along, no questions crossed my mind of "What does this person mean to me? Where will this relationship go? Do they like me?" No, I only played with them. I only sought joy and laughter, and to welcome them into my happiness.
Love is romance, but we need not be so narrow minded as to assume romance has only one goal.
Love is challenging me to change my experiences, and appreciate them in the most innocent yet knowledgeable way.
Love is always more than we think.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Valentine's Day Post One of Many Because Let's Face It, It Really Should Be Every Day
I honestly cannot believe I didn't find time to write this post on Valentine's Day. It must have been because I was entirely too caught up in the day itself to do so.
Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. Shocker, I know. However, it is not because it is a day about chocolate, a day about surprises, or a day about your significant other. I admire valentine's day because it is a day set aside for love. Love in all forms.
I have found comfort recently in giving. I know that there is a significant part of me that is always wanting, always needing, always having the desire to be Loved or feel Loved or experience Love. The problem with this is that I can get so caught up in it that I forget what Love is. Love is not self seeking. It is not envious. It does not boast. It is not proud. I need desperately to remember that Love is needed just as much to be received as it is to be given, and that it is so much bigger than receiving and giving. That is why I love Valentine's Day. It reminds me to admire Love in everything that it is to me.
How incredible is it that humanity knows affection? It knows pain? It knows joy? We have created this word: Love. It is often called the greatest human pursuit, the greatest human perplexity, and the greatest human downfall. We talk of it so often and say it drives so much that we do, and yet we never cease to try and understand it. So many of us brush it off, we take it for granted, we think of it in ideals as opposed to accepting every side of it. I hold great sadness in my heart for what "love" has come to mean for many people in my life. For some it is a source of pain. For some it is an anomaly that has come to permanently elude them. Some have intentionally eluded it altogether.
Here is my charge: I challenge the world to view Love courageously. Look at it, and do not only see what you wish to see, but see it with a whole heart and an open mind. I'm not just discussing intimacy--I mean Love. Go back through my posts and try to see Love in all of these different ways. What would that change about you? Would it make you a more widely accepting person? Would it make you a more wise person? Would it shed light on the darkest and most mysterious areas of your life? Love is a daunting task to discover. We may not like what we find. We may feel exposed and convicted. But in so many ways can that liberate us.
What would it look like if you woke up every morning and instead of choosing joy--happiness--sadness--anger--motivation--pursuit--desire---you chose love? You chose to discover Love?
"Sometimes, the heart sees what is invisible to the eye."
Through Love we have a limitless ability to see within ourselves, to see within others, and to see within our lives and how they connect fully and deeply to one another. Love should never be stagnant or waiting--it should always be growing and moving and shaping us into the people we were meant to be. It is a verb just as much as it is a noun, ladies and gentlemen.
If, at the end of your life, you were put on trial, being convicted of "Love", would there be enough evidence to proclaim you guilty as charged? How would you explain yourself? What would you present as the key piece of evidence that shows you knew Love, were Love, discovered Love?
The reason I say all of these things is because recently I have developed a difficult sadness. I say difficult only because it is difficult in its complexity. I was not sure what it was that was troubling me, or making me feel dissatisfied with this point in my life. However, the more that I think about it, I realize that it is because Love has been displaced in my life. It has taken a backseat to anxiety, worry, obligation, busyness, stress--the list can go on. I realize that I have not taken the time to appreciate discovery in my life--to appreciate the beautiful journey I have set upon by pursuing Love here. Someone once said to me, "Joy is found in extracting the happiness from common things." I used to view life with a joyful simplicity--taking it day by day, step by step, moment to moment. But, in the days recently, I have shifted my view to the future. I have burdened myself and clouded my heart's desire for learning and growth and joy with unnecessary and painfully temporary matters. Valentine's Day made me realize how much I had changed in that regard. It made me wonder, why am I not living every day for Love? For discovery? For the breathtaking simplicity that comes with clever observation and intimate scrutiny?
Now is the time to shift my view. And, praise the Lord, I am sure this is not the last time I will be in need of refocusing.
Love is daily. Love is always. Love is never ending as long as you keep discovering.
Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. Shocker, I know. However, it is not because it is a day about chocolate, a day about surprises, or a day about your significant other. I admire valentine's day because it is a day set aside for love. Love in all forms.
I have found comfort recently in giving. I know that there is a significant part of me that is always wanting, always needing, always having the desire to be Loved or feel Loved or experience Love. The problem with this is that I can get so caught up in it that I forget what Love is. Love is not self seeking. It is not envious. It does not boast. It is not proud. I need desperately to remember that Love is needed just as much to be received as it is to be given, and that it is so much bigger than receiving and giving. That is why I love Valentine's Day. It reminds me to admire Love in everything that it is to me.
How incredible is it that humanity knows affection? It knows pain? It knows joy? We have created this word: Love. It is often called the greatest human pursuit, the greatest human perplexity, and the greatest human downfall. We talk of it so often and say it drives so much that we do, and yet we never cease to try and understand it. So many of us brush it off, we take it for granted, we think of it in ideals as opposed to accepting every side of it. I hold great sadness in my heart for what "love" has come to mean for many people in my life. For some it is a source of pain. For some it is an anomaly that has come to permanently elude them. Some have intentionally eluded it altogether.
Here is my charge: I challenge the world to view Love courageously. Look at it, and do not only see what you wish to see, but see it with a whole heart and an open mind. I'm not just discussing intimacy--I mean Love. Go back through my posts and try to see Love in all of these different ways. What would that change about you? Would it make you a more widely accepting person? Would it make you a more wise person? Would it shed light on the darkest and most mysterious areas of your life? Love is a daunting task to discover. We may not like what we find. We may feel exposed and convicted. But in so many ways can that liberate us.
What would it look like if you woke up every morning and instead of choosing joy--happiness--sadness--anger--motivation--pursuit--desire---you chose love? You chose to discover Love?
"Sometimes, the heart sees what is invisible to the eye."
Through Love we have a limitless ability to see within ourselves, to see within others, and to see within our lives and how they connect fully and deeply to one another. Love should never be stagnant or waiting--it should always be growing and moving and shaping us into the people we were meant to be. It is a verb just as much as it is a noun, ladies and gentlemen.
If, at the end of your life, you were put on trial, being convicted of "Love", would there be enough evidence to proclaim you guilty as charged? How would you explain yourself? What would you present as the key piece of evidence that shows you knew Love, were Love, discovered Love?
The reason I say all of these things is because recently I have developed a difficult sadness. I say difficult only because it is difficult in its complexity. I was not sure what it was that was troubling me, or making me feel dissatisfied with this point in my life. However, the more that I think about it, I realize that it is because Love has been displaced in my life. It has taken a backseat to anxiety, worry, obligation, busyness, stress--the list can go on. I realize that I have not taken the time to appreciate discovery in my life--to appreciate the beautiful journey I have set upon by pursuing Love here. Someone once said to me, "Joy is found in extracting the happiness from common things." I used to view life with a joyful simplicity--taking it day by day, step by step, moment to moment. But, in the days recently, I have shifted my view to the future. I have burdened myself and clouded my heart's desire for learning and growth and joy with unnecessary and painfully temporary matters. Valentine's Day made me realize how much I had changed in that regard. It made me wonder, why am I not living every day for Love? For discovery? For the breathtaking simplicity that comes with clever observation and intimate scrutiny?
Now is the time to shift my view. And, praise the Lord, I am sure this is not the last time I will be in need of refocusing.
Love is daily. Love is always. Love is never ending as long as you keep discovering.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
To The Blessings
Some
hearts look to the stars to feel blessed. Some hearts go in search of
mountains and grand landscapes to find peace. Some hearts open their
eyes to the spirits that fill the air with sound and light to see God's
magnificent work in their lives. But then there are some hearts that
look to the gentle sweetness of a child's laughter to feel joy. There
are some hearts that strive to see beauty in tears and strength in
weakness. Where is your heart? Where do you feel completely, utterly,
and profoundly blessed?
Take the time to notice that today.
The Lord places such specific passions and blessings in each of our lives, and I believe He means the journey to finding these to be just as important as the passions and blessings themselves. His love for us is so great that He took the time to intricately design each of our hearts In a way that would uniquely teach us the fullness of His joy. Then, He also loved us so much that He would teach us what it means to find peace in storms--to find rainbows in the clouds. The Lord is showing me just how blessed I am. I can't help but look around me and rest in the love that The Lord has so generously poured over my life. He's teaching me what it means to love and be loved, to teach and be taught, to have joy and spread joy, and to bless and be blessed.
So to those of you in my life who have been messengers of that overwhelming love, and messengers of those beautiful blessings, thank you. Thank you for the pat on the head, the cup of tea, the smile and the giggles, and the sweet song on a scary day.
My moments of joy are eternally yours. May there be many more to come.
Love is being at peace with where the Lord is in your life at each moment--recognizing it as perfect and special, each in its own way.
Take the time to notice that today.
The Lord places such specific passions and blessings in each of our lives, and I believe He means the journey to finding these to be just as important as the passions and blessings themselves. His love for us is so great that He took the time to intricately design each of our hearts In a way that would uniquely teach us the fullness of His joy. Then, He also loved us so much that He would teach us what it means to find peace in storms--to find rainbows in the clouds. The Lord is showing me just how blessed I am. I can't help but look around me and rest in the love that The Lord has so generously poured over my life. He's teaching me what it means to love and be loved, to teach and be taught, to have joy and spread joy, and to bless and be blessed.
So to those of you in my life who have been messengers of that overwhelming love, and messengers of those beautiful blessings, thank you. Thank you for the pat on the head, the cup of tea, the smile and the giggles, and the sweet song on a scary day.
My moments of joy are eternally yours. May there be many more to come.
Love is being at peace with where the Lord is in your life at each moment--recognizing it as perfect and special, each in its own way.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Why Do We Need "Perfect" Anyways?
My relationship with my guitar has been one of love and hate. I've been playing it for about six years now. I taught myself most of what I know, and when i got lessons i hated it. it has come to my attention that there is a question among many as to why i don't really broadcast that i play guitar, play the guitar in public voluntarily, or sing and play when people ask me to. And I suppose it somewhat puzzles me mainly because if someone asked me to sing something from a musical or opera or just to sing or perform in general, i am happy to do so. Why do the two medias differ in how my subconscious views them?
I realized recently that it is because the guitar is something that i do for myself that i am very protective of. it is a space in time where i am not judged, i am not related to, and i am not a source of entertainment for others. These concepts are subconsciously put in place. I believe it is because guitar has always been a source of peace and comfort. and it's something i will never risk anyone taking away from me. The few times i have shared it with others made me want to stop playing altogether, and that has since frightened my desire to play into seclusion. however, it is creeping its way back into my heart as i heal from those relationships. I now realized why i protected it so closely--because it doesn't take much to take guitar playing out of the realm of comfort and confidence and into an area where it is just another part of my craft. The truth is, i don't want it to be a part of my craft. It is more a part of who i am. It's not that singing and performing is not a part of who i am, but i am constantly working, on the world's time, to make myself better in my performing area. I rush it along and there is a sense of urgency and harsh standards that i put myself under and that others put on me. This i do not mind, because i know it is what i need to succeed, but guitar is a part of music that i will not let be tainted by the cruel realities of technique, professionalism, and structure. I do not grade myself on it. I do not measure myself up against others because that is not why i play. I play to feel my fingers on the strings. I play to hear the sound my voice makes echo through the harmonics of the instrument. I play because i dont have to think about how my playing will please others or what i can do to make myself a better entertainer.
This view may seem self centered, but i dont look at it that way--i cant. if i do then i will just get anxious around it and the entire romance ive set around this beautiful pastime will crumble. In some ways, i have one hobby in my life that is completely mine--that no one else can touch. Something that i do on my own time and not on the time of others. this is necessary because in almost every other area of my life, i am living to please someone. Even if that someone is myself. I live to please those who hear me when i sing, to please those i work for, those who grade me, those who determine the next steps of my life, and so on. Even at the gym im not serving my soul but my mind and my body and my desire to be healthy. playing guitar frees me from all that. I am free to just "do" it. To not think about it or feel like i have to do it. It's like this blog. I know many people dont read it, and not many will be touched by it, but that could matter less to me because i know that i am getting thoughts on a page. I'm putting something out into the universe that i dont have to worry about coming back to me in some way or another. Guitar is my way to put music out into the world and not care where it goes or who it reaches. it is endless and boundless because there are no ties, there are no rules, there are no consequences. the desire only comes every once in a while, and i relish in it when it does come, but i have no need to fear how long it will be before i have time to play again because i know that time will always come when it is supposed to. The time to play will come upon me exactly in the Lord's plan. He knows when i need it. And i will always fall upon it like autumn on the summer wind. One knows it is coming because it exists, but when it comes is always a surprise. When it comes, it never fails to impress. It's different each time, with more colors--bright and vibrant, refreshing the soul from its harsh summer and giving it something to treasure and savor before it enters the winter months.
This is Love because it is taking something that could seem tedious and daunting and worrisome to many (and possibly should be for me), and making it into a nothing that is something. A talent that need be talentless. It's like a star. Something you love seeing and looking at, and you have the freedom to admire it because it takes no special circumstance but nighttime for you to appreciate what it is, and there is no worry when it is gone because you know it still exists in your heart, even though you dont see it in the daytime.
Love is freedom. Love is the liberty to create and immerse yourself in joy. Love is taking something and setting it in the core of your heart to protect and let grow.
Love is giving yourself permission to truly believe something is perfect, regardless of the imperfections seen through the eyes of the world.
I realized recently that it is because the guitar is something that i do for myself that i am very protective of. it is a space in time where i am not judged, i am not related to, and i am not a source of entertainment for others. These concepts are subconsciously put in place. I believe it is because guitar has always been a source of peace and comfort. and it's something i will never risk anyone taking away from me. The few times i have shared it with others made me want to stop playing altogether, and that has since frightened my desire to play into seclusion. however, it is creeping its way back into my heart as i heal from those relationships. I now realized why i protected it so closely--because it doesn't take much to take guitar playing out of the realm of comfort and confidence and into an area where it is just another part of my craft. The truth is, i don't want it to be a part of my craft. It is more a part of who i am. It's not that singing and performing is not a part of who i am, but i am constantly working, on the world's time, to make myself better in my performing area. I rush it along and there is a sense of urgency and harsh standards that i put myself under and that others put on me. This i do not mind, because i know it is what i need to succeed, but guitar is a part of music that i will not let be tainted by the cruel realities of technique, professionalism, and structure. I do not grade myself on it. I do not measure myself up against others because that is not why i play. I play to feel my fingers on the strings. I play to hear the sound my voice makes echo through the harmonics of the instrument. I play because i dont have to think about how my playing will please others or what i can do to make myself a better entertainer.
This view may seem self centered, but i dont look at it that way--i cant. if i do then i will just get anxious around it and the entire romance ive set around this beautiful pastime will crumble. In some ways, i have one hobby in my life that is completely mine--that no one else can touch. Something that i do on my own time and not on the time of others. this is necessary because in almost every other area of my life, i am living to please someone. Even if that someone is myself. I live to please those who hear me when i sing, to please those i work for, those who grade me, those who determine the next steps of my life, and so on. Even at the gym im not serving my soul but my mind and my body and my desire to be healthy. playing guitar frees me from all that. I am free to just "do" it. To not think about it or feel like i have to do it. It's like this blog. I know many people dont read it, and not many will be touched by it, but that could matter less to me because i know that i am getting thoughts on a page. I'm putting something out into the universe that i dont have to worry about coming back to me in some way or another. Guitar is my way to put music out into the world and not care where it goes or who it reaches. it is endless and boundless because there are no ties, there are no rules, there are no consequences. the desire only comes every once in a while, and i relish in it when it does come, but i have no need to fear how long it will be before i have time to play again because i know that time will always come when it is supposed to. The time to play will come upon me exactly in the Lord's plan. He knows when i need it. And i will always fall upon it like autumn on the summer wind. One knows it is coming because it exists, but when it comes is always a surprise. When it comes, it never fails to impress. It's different each time, with more colors--bright and vibrant, refreshing the soul from its harsh summer and giving it something to treasure and savor before it enters the winter months.
This is Love because it is taking something that could seem tedious and daunting and worrisome to many (and possibly should be for me), and making it into a nothing that is something. A talent that need be talentless. It's like a star. Something you love seeing and looking at, and you have the freedom to admire it because it takes no special circumstance but nighttime for you to appreciate what it is, and there is no worry when it is gone because you know it still exists in your heart, even though you dont see it in the daytime.
Love is freedom. Love is the liberty to create and immerse yourself in joy. Love is taking something and setting it in the core of your heart to protect and let grow.
Love is giving yourself permission to truly believe something is perfect, regardless of the imperfections seen through the eyes of the world.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Super Power: Invisibility
I don't know if you know much about feeling invisible.
First off, the word has a negative connotation when used in the context of one's emotions. I, however, upon experiencing it, am finding that it can be a very liberating and educational experience.
Getting to college is like starting kindergarten all over again, except that everyone actually wants to get to know each other. We arent just standing around waiting for someone to ask if they can borrow your "azul" crayon...unless your're me, of course. Who apparently has crayons that people are afraid to ask for?
Back to the invisibility thing: i dont know if im actually invisible or if im just choosing to be the most quiet person on the planet. but what i love about it is that it gives me a chance to breathe--to see what's happening around me without walking around in a big cloud of questions and conversation. By nature I am an observer. I love watching interactions and exchanges throughout the course of a day or even an evening (which is much more common here, I see). Im also finding out much more about myself as a person through it. I wouldnt say i compare myself to anyone, but you notice just how different you can turn out to be after you've spent the past four years around people you know in and out and can identify easily with. But in college, because you are meeting so many different KINDS of people, you get bombarded with this slew of questions to yourself and to others and the world around you. It challenges the world you know and love. And hopefully, if youre like me, you are encouraged to expand your knowledge of the world and grow in it.
Growing in the world is helping me grow in love. I have become more widely accepting of people and my thoughts on people. I never thought i was one to judge quickly, but now i REALLY dont judge quickly, because you never know what you're going to get. it isnt that straight forward here. And althought im not being as sociable as i have been in the past, it has enabled me to begin growing and changing in a new direction. Not changing in the sense that i will become another person, but i hope to build on the foundations the Lord has set in me now. I hope to know more of His kingdom and love more of His people.
So to all you invisibles out there: find out why Love is invisibility for you. I challenge you to find the love in it. You may just be surprised, and your heart may just be changed.
Love is learning to look closer at what you think you see.
First off, the word has a negative connotation when used in the context of one's emotions. I, however, upon experiencing it, am finding that it can be a very liberating and educational experience.
Getting to college is like starting kindergarten all over again, except that everyone actually wants to get to know each other. We arent just standing around waiting for someone to ask if they can borrow your "azul" crayon...unless your're me, of course. Who apparently has crayons that people are afraid to ask for?
Back to the invisibility thing: i dont know if im actually invisible or if im just choosing to be the most quiet person on the planet. but what i love about it is that it gives me a chance to breathe--to see what's happening around me without walking around in a big cloud of questions and conversation. By nature I am an observer. I love watching interactions and exchanges throughout the course of a day or even an evening (which is much more common here, I see). Im also finding out much more about myself as a person through it. I wouldnt say i compare myself to anyone, but you notice just how different you can turn out to be after you've spent the past four years around people you know in and out and can identify easily with. But in college, because you are meeting so many different KINDS of people, you get bombarded with this slew of questions to yourself and to others and the world around you. It challenges the world you know and love. And hopefully, if youre like me, you are encouraged to expand your knowledge of the world and grow in it.
Growing in the world is helping me grow in love. I have become more widely accepting of people and my thoughts on people. I never thought i was one to judge quickly, but now i REALLY dont judge quickly, because you never know what you're going to get. it isnt that straight forward here. And althought im not being as sociable as i have been in the past, it has enabled me to begin growing and changing in a new direction. Not changing in the sense that i will become another person, but i hope to build on the foundations the Lord has set in me now. I hope to know more of His kingdom and love more of His people.
So to all you invisibles out there: find out why Love is invisibility for you. I challenge you to find the love in it. You may just be surprised, and your heart may just be changed.
Love is learning to look closer at what you think you see.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
One Soul, Two Soul, Red Soul, Blue Soul
It's not often in life that you meet someone you feel is part of your soul. someone you feel God placed in your life for a beautiful and perfect reason. sometimes you just look at them and think, what in the world did i do to deserve such an amazing friend as this? someone who i value in my life not because i couldnt live without them, but because my life is infinitely better and intricate and beautiful with them in it. This person makes my life bright. they make my life romantic in the most holy and pure way. not in the lovey dovey sense of romance but in a story book fairytale kind of way. like life wouldnt be half as hopeful. it wouldnt be half as joyful. it wouldnt be half as resplendently simple, without them there.
her name is Brigitta Davis. She is my best friend in the entire world and i am lucky to call her that. and let me tell you, she is so perfectly a, "Brigitta" being named after the character from the Sound of Music. she is one of the few people in my life that i have noticed whose life is musical. she lives in such a free and flowing way--each step is planned and thought out. and all of it rhymes and makes you feel fuzzy inside. you look at Brigitta and you think, geez, i want to live life like that. careless, but not lazy; sweet, but not naiive; grounded, but not restricted. She lives life in the freedom that the Lord has taught her. He shines so brightly from her that you cant help but want to hug her all the time--to somehow get closer to the Lord inside of her. I think we all have that goal...and its amazing that she has the gift. and let me tell you, when she talks? you never know what you're going to get. some days she's blunt and witty. some days shes clever. some days shes giddy because she loves her boyfriend that is unbelievably perfect for her. some days shes pessimistic--but somehow, even in her pessimism, she never loses sight of the promises the Lord holds for her. and sometimes, she says things that blow me away. she says such profound and philosophical statements that kind of stop you in your tracks and give you an entirely new perspective on life. when you leave Brigitta after hanging out with her for a while, you feel like you've learned something. Something important has been added to your life because you took time to listen to her and watch her. she teaches me so much and she doesnt even know it. she's one of my greatest role models.
i think we get along because we're both kind of crazy. not in the bats/nutso kind of crazy (most of the time) but the crazy that kind of makes people cock their head to the side to understand why we do the things we do. we do things like go to shakespeare in the park with brie and cheese. we never drink tea without china and saucers. we never eat dinner without going on a walk afterwards. we are coffee connoisseurs. we go to museums. we go to church. we go to chocolate bars. we make breakfast. we make dinner. we listen to musicals on vinyl. we watch Downton Abbey. she sends me articles on politics and religion and more musicals and i read them after two weeks of them sitting in my facebook inbox. she is the best friend you see only in story books.
she believes in me like no one ever has. she chases me down when i've been gone for a while because she knows my soul needs her. shes loyal. shes trustworthy. and she always tells me the truth because she knows no one else will. and because she loves me. she loves me so much that she dares to disagree with me. she calls my bluffs and breaks down my walls. but she's never cruel or firm. i know sometimes she gets annoyed with me,or i with her, but she still loves me. and i love her. and that's good enough for us.
i urge you, few, readers: find someone that makes you feel this way. someone that makes you feel invincible. that's what best friends should be. they should be someone you enjoy, someone you delight in, but also someone you just like to have around because you enjoy their presence. or maybe you already have someone that makes you feel this way. so thank them for that--thank them for being the amazing person they are, and tell them how lucky you feel for having met them. also, know that God places people in your life for a specific reason. i urge you to find out what that reason is, and pursue it. find out what God has for you in His family of breathtaking people. He has refuge for you there, in friends like Brigitta, just as much as He has refuge for you in His arms. God plants seeds in your life, like your friends, that can grow into branches that will lead you to the tree, that will lead you to the root of life: God. look for the people He has placed in your life to lead you closer to Him. They will make you feel the joy that He wants for you. I promise.
Be blessed, as I have been blessed by my darling Brigitta.
She is so precious to me, and one of the most unique and inspiring people this world has to give.
love is what makes your soul feel one soul bigger than your own.
her name is Brigitta Davis. She is my best friend in the entire world and i am lucky to call her that. and let me tell you, she is so perfectly a, "Brigitta" being named after the character from the Sound of Music. she is one of the few people in my life that i have noticed whose life is musical. she lives in such a free and flowing way--each step is planned and thought out. and all of it rhymes and makes you feel fuzzy inside. you look at Brigitta and you think, geez, i want to live life like that. careless, but not lazy; sweet, but not naiive; grounded, but not restricted. She lives life in the freedom that the Lord has taught her. He shines so brightly from her that you cant help but want to hug her all the time--to somehow get closer to the Lord inside of her. I think we all have that goal...and its amazing that she has the gift. and let me tell you, when she talks? you never know what you're going to get. some days she's blunt and witty. some days shes clever. some days shes giddy because she loves her boyfriend that is unbelievably perfect for her. some days shes pessimistic--but somehow, even in her pessimism, she never loses sight of the promises the Lord holds for her. and sometimes, she says things that blow me away. she says such profound and philosophical statements that kind of stop you in your tracks and give you an entirely new perspective on life. when you leave Brigitta after hanging out with her for a while, you feel like you've learned something. Something important has been added to your life because you took time to listen to her and watch her. she teaches me so much and she doesnt even know it. she's one of my greatest role models.
i think we get along because we're both kind of crazy. not in the bats/nutso kind of crazy (most of the time) but the crazy that kind of makes people cock their head to the side to understand why we do the things we do. we do things like go to shakespeare in the park with brie and cheese. we never drink tea without china and saucers. we never eat dinner without going on a walk afterwards. we are coffee connoisseurs. we go to museums. we go to church. we go to chocolate bars. we make breakfast. we make dinner. we listen to musicals on vinyl. we watch Downton Abbey. she sends me articles on politics and religion and more musicals and i read them after two weeks of them sitting in my facebook inbox. she is the best friend you see only in story books.
she believes in me like no one ever has. she chases me down when i've been gone for a while because she knows my soul needs her. shes loyal. shes trustworthy. and she always tells me the truth because she knows no one else will. and because she loves me. she loves me so much that she dares to disagree with me. she calls my bluffs and breaks down my walls. but she's never cruel or firm. i know sometimes she gets annoyed with me,or i with her, but she still loves me. and i love her. and that's good enough for us.
i urge you, few, readers: find someone that makes you feel this way. someone that makes you feel invincible. that's what best friends should be. they should be someone you enjoy, someone you delight in, but also someone you just like to have around because you enjoy their presence. or maybe you already have someone that makes you feel this way. so thank them for that--thank them for being the amazing person they are, and tell them how lucky you feel for having met them. also, know that God places people in your life for a specific reason. i urge you to find out what that reason is, and pursue it. find out what God has for you in His family of breathtaking people. He has refuge for you there, in friends like Brigitta, just as much as He has refuge for you in His arms. God plants seeds in your life, like your friends, that can grow into branches that will lead you to the tree, that will lead you to the root of life: God. look for the people He has placed in your life to lead you closer to Him. They will make you feel the joy that He wants for you. I promise.
Be blessed, as I have been blessed by my darling Brigitta.
She is so precious to me, and one of the most unique and inspiring people this world has to give.
love is what makes your soul feel one soul bigger than your own.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Bats
So I graduated almost a month ago, and yes I've taken this long to write about it. But in my defense, my life just kept on moving. It's funny, they say it's one of those defining moments--graduating. But I don't know if i was already over it or what... but i didnt really mind it. it didnt ever hit me like they all said it would. but i also dont know what this illustrious "it" really is. many somethings hit me, but never a definite "it". But i digress. Moving on.
high school taught me much, and gave me much. it taught me about the person i want to be and the person i dont want to be. it taught me to notice what was happening around me and notice that one day it would all be gone...to get all my cliches out of the way.
here's the thing, i feel light high school didnt really happen for me like it does for most people. i didnt party much, i didnt drink, i didnt do drugs or weed or various substances. i didnt have the infamous high school relationship that one desperately tries to hold on to in college. i didnt get my license at sixteen (seventeen and a half, thank you). i can count the football games i went to on one hand. i didnt have a "clique", i kind of floated. i didnt have one best friend throughout--i had many along the way. and, alas, i wasnt prom queen. but let me tell you what i did do:
I did get high on life. i did pull all nighters because i was practicing music until my voice wouldnt squeak anymore. i did have a beautiful romance with a man i will never forget. i did have my heart broken and marvelously reassembled by the families around me. i did go to rehearsal religiously every day and spent my weekends (during those football games) swing dancing my nights away. i didnt have a clique but i had a family. i had a theatre family that i would do anything for and nothing without. i had sisters--not best friends. i wasnt prom queen but i was queen in my Lord's eyes that were always on me. always watching over me. always protecting me.
The Lord wanted many things for me in high school...and He blessed me with so much. I think we all kind of forget, though, that the Lord doesnt see things as we do. I may see this as a huge stepping stone in my life right now, but i know He only sees it as a little spec of what i will become. Ultimately i think high school was about molding me further. It was about preparing me to be strong for the Lord and for His will and purpose for my life. It was about exposing me to things He knew i would have to face on a larger scale later in life. it was about giving me mentors and angels along the way to lead me in the right direction and point me down the right road. it was about finding out what its like to be alone--to try to do things on my own, only to find out that that is not what the Lord wants for me. it was about the Lord, enveloping me into a beautiful community and family that taught me to love myself and the world around me and see that they are just as much a part of it as i am. I cant exist without them. i cant be what i wish and what the Lord wishes without them by my side.
but now i have to move on. i cant dwell on what it WAS about. but now what it IS about. life now will be about learning. it will be about searching and learning to trust and learning to love and learning to look for it in the right places, instead of wrong. its about finding what i have passion for. tending to the wonderlust that is so deep inside of me, it will take years to surface. and im okay with that. im content with the fact that, yes, its going to take a long time for me to find where i truly fit and where i belong. but i take comfort in that. i take comfort in that i get to make mistakes and take wrong turns and find out what works and what doesnt. i can only pray that the Lord will take the reins. that He will guide my eyes and my ears, and my song. i hope that He is what people see when they look at me in this new world i feel im about to enter. i know that unless He is the center of what i do and say, i cant hope to succeed. and that's beautiful to me: giving up my life for His. I cant help but feel He has something great around the corner. i just have to keep my wits around and my seat belt on.
after a doctor's appointment yesterday, i had the strong urge to go to the bookstore. so of course i followed my feet. and before i knew it right in front of me was the entrance to the children's section. sometimes, you realize that your heart is in need. your heart is sick with nostalgia, bursting with the memories you're trying to suppress but cant figure out how to summon. so you go back to your roots and you search for them on the outside, hoping that somehow they'll show you the key to the inside. for me its music, its horses, its flowers, its smells, its children's books. and on this particular day my searching led me to Madeline, and Chrysanthemum, and Curious George, and Angelina Ballerina. But then, what my heart stumbled on, was a book i had not seen before. it was called Night Song. It was about a baby bat, named Chiro, who had not been out in the world on his own yet. so when his mother told him to go out into the night so that he could eat, he said, "but mother, i am afraid, it is dark and i cant see."
"there are other ways to see."
"How?"
"You must use your good sense."
"Momma, what is sense?" "Sense is the song you sing out into the world, and the song the world sings back to you."
When i read this i cried. and then Chiro went out and he did find his way, and he could see through the darkness because of his song. through his journey he sings and sings and then stops to listen to what the world has to sing to him. He teaches and learns and teaches and learns. And through this he does not shrink back in fear but rises to the learning he is now open to receive. The name 'Chiro' is short for Chiroptera which, in Greek is chiro- 'hand' and optera- 'wing'. A bat: the only mammal that is capable of true flight.
When i realized this i knew my heart had reached its destination. my heart is capable of true flight, i just have to keep singing, and keep listening, and the Lord will lead me through the darkness.
So remember that "it" i was talking about? Yeah, that was it. sometimes, to really see your life taking a turn, you have to go back to your roots. you have to go back to your heart and follow your feet. sometimes it takes your heart overflowing with something you know not of until it forces you to listen to it and let the flowing flow.
sometimes, love drives you just bats until you love it back and take a step in a new direction.
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