Bats

So I graduated almost a month ago, and yes I've taken this long to write about it. But in my defense, my life just kept on moving. It's funny, they say it's one of those defining moments--graduating. But I don't know if i was already over it or what... but i didnt really mind it. it didnt ever hit me like they all said it would. but i also dont know what this illustrious "it" really is. many somethings hit me, but never a definite "it". But i digress. Moving on. 

high school taught me much, and gave me much. it taught me about the person i want to be and the person i dont want to be. it taught me to notice what was happening around me and notice that one day it would all be gone...to get all my cliches out of the way. 

here's the thing, i feel light high school didnt really happen for me like it does for most people. i didnt party much, i didnt drink, i didnt do drugs or weed or various substances. i didnt have the infamous high school relationship that one desperately tries to hold on to in college. i didnt get my license at sixteen (seventeen and a half, thank you). i can count the football games i went to on one hand. i didnt have a "clique", i kind of floated. i didnt have one best friend throughout--i had many along the way. and, alas, i wasnt prom queen. but let me tell you what i did do:

I did get high on life. i did pull all nighters because i was practicing music until my voice wouldnt squeak anymore. i did have a beautiful romance with a man i will never forget. i did have my heart broken and marvelously reassembled by the families around me. i did go to rehearsal religiously every day and spent my weekends (during those football games) swing dancing my nights away. i didnt have a clique but i had a family. i had a theatre family that i would do anything for and nothing without. i had sisters--not best friends. i wasnt prom queen but i was queen in my Lord's eyes that were always on me. always watching over me. always protecting me.

The Lord wanted many things for me in high school...and He blessed me with so much. I think we all kind of forget, though, that the Lord doesnt see things as we do. I may see this as a huge stepping stone in my life right now, but i know He only sees it as a little spec of what i will become. Ultimately i think high school was about molding me further. It was about preparing me to be strong for the Lord and for His will and purpose for my life. It was about exposing me to things He knew i would have to face on a larger scale later in life. it was about giving me mentors and angels along the way to lead me in the right direction and point me down the right road. it was about finding out what its like to be alone--to try to do things on my own, only to find out that that is not what the Lord wants for me. it was about the Lord, enveloping me into a beautiful community and family that taught me to love myself and the world around me and see that they are just as much a part of it as i am. I cant exist without them. i cant be what i wish and what the Lord wishes without them by my side. 

but now i have to move on. i cant dwell on what it WAS about. but now what it IS about. life now will be about learning. it will be about searching and learning to trust and learning to love and learning to look for it in the right places, instead of wrong. its about finding what i have passion for. tending to the wonderlust that is so deep inside of me, it will take years to surface. and im okay with that. im content with the fact that, yes, its going to take a long time for me to find where i truly fit and where i belong. but i take comfort in that. i take comfort in that i get to make mistakes and take wrong turns and find out what works and what doesnt. i can only pray that the Lord will take the reins. that He will guide my eyes and my ears, and my song. i hope that He is what people see when they look at me in this new world i feel im about to enter. i know that unless He is the center of what i do and say, i cant hope to succeed. and that's beautiful to me: giving up my life for His. I cant help but feel He has something great around the corner. i just have to keep my wits around and my seat belt on. 

after a doctor's appointment yesterday, i had the strong urge to go to the bookstore. so of course i followed my feet. and before i knew it right in front of me was the entrance to the children's section. sometimes, you realize that your heart is in need. your heart is sick with nostalgia, bursting with the memories you're trying to suppress but cant figure out how to summon. so you go back to your roots and you search for them on the outside, hoping that somehow they'll show you the key to the inside. for me its music, its horses, its flowers, its smells, its children's books. and on this particular day my searching led me to Madeline, and Chrysanthemum, and Curious George, and Angelina Ballerina. But then, what my heart stumbled on, was a book i had not seen before. it was called Night Song. It was about a baby bat, named Chiro, who had not been out in the world on his own yet. so when his mother told him to go out into the night so that he could eat, he said, "but mother, i am afraid, it is dark and i cant see." 

"there are other ways to see."

 "How?"

"You must use your good sense."

"Momma, what is sense?" "Sense is the song you sing out into the world, and the song the world sings back to you." 

When i read this i cried. and then Chiro went out and he did find his way, and he could see through the darkness because of his song. through his journey he sings and sings and then stops to listen to what the world has to sing to him. He teaches and learns and teaches and learns. And through this he does not shrink back in fear but rises to the learning he is now open to receive. The name 'Chiro' is short for Chiroptera which, in Greek is chiro- 'hand' and optera- 'wing'. A bat: the only mammal that is capable of true flight. 

When i realized this i knew my heart had reached its destination. my heart is capable of true flight, i just have to keep singing, and keep listening, and the Lord will lead me through the darkness. 

So remember that "it" i was talking about? Yeah, that was it. sometimes, to really see your life taking a turn, you have to go back to your roots. you have to go back to your heart and follow your feet. sometimes it takes your heart overflowing with something you know not of until it forces you to listen to it and let the flowing flow. 

sometimes, love drives you just bats until you love it back and take a step in a new direction.