It's not often in life that you meet someone you feel is part of your soul. someone you feel God placed in your life for a beautiful and perfect reason. sometimes you just look at them and think, what in the world did i do to deserve such an amazing friend as this? someone who i value in my life not because i couldnt live without them, but because my life is infinitely better and intricate and beautiful with them in it. This person makes my life bright. they make my life romantic in the most holy and pure way. not in the lovey dovey sense of romance but in a story book fairytale kind of way. like life wouldnt be half as hopeful. it wouldnt be half as joyful. it wouldnt be half as resplendently simple, without them there.
her name is Brigitta Davis. She is my best friend in the entire world and i am lucky to call her that. and let me tell you, she is so perfectly a, "Brigitta" being named after the character from the Sound of Music. she is one of the few people in my life that i have noticed whose life is musical. she lives in such a free and flowing way--each step is planned and thought out. and all of it rhymes and makes you feel fuzzy inside. you look at Brigitta and you think, geez, i want to live life like that. careless, but not lazy; sweet, but not naiive; grounded, but not restricted. She lives life in the freedom that the Lord has taught her. He shines so brightly from her that you cant help but want to hug her all the time--to somehow get closer to the Lord inside of her. I think we all have that goal...and its amazing that she has the gift. and let me tell you, when she talks? you never know what you're going to get. some days she's blunt and witty. some days shes clever. some days shes giddy because she loves her boyfriend that is unbelievably perfect for her. some days shes pessimistic--but somehow, even in her pessimism, she never loses sight of the promises the Lord holds for her. and sometimes, she says things that blow me away. she says such profound and philosophical statements that kind of stop you in your tracks and give you an entirely new perspective on life. when you leave Brigitta after hanging out with her for a while, you feel like you've learned something. Something important has been added to your life because you took time to listen to her and watch her. she teaches me so much and she doesnt even know it. she's one of my greatest role models.
i think we get along because we're both kind of crazy. not in the bats/nutso kind of crazy (most of the time) but the crazy that kind of makes people cock their head to the side to understand why we do the things we do. we do things like go to shakespeare in the park with brie and cheese. we never drink tea without china and saucers. we never eat dinner without going on a walk afterwards. we are coffee connoisseurs. we go to museums. we go to church. we go to chocolate bars. we make breakfast. we make dinner. we listen to musicals on vinyl. we watch Downton Abbey. she sends me articles on politics and religion and more musicals and i read them after two weeks of them sitting in my facebook inbox. she is the best friend you see only in story books.
she believes in me like no one ever has. she chases me down when i've been gone for a while because she knows my soul needs her. shes loyal. shes trustworthy. and she always tells me the truth because she knows no one else will. and because she loves me. she loves me so much that she dares to disagree with me. she calls my bluffs and breaks down my walls. but she's never cruel or firm. i know sometimes she gets annoyed with me,or i with her, but she still loves me. and i love her. and that's good enough for us.
i urge you, few, readers: find someone that makes you feel this way. someone that makes you feel invincible. that's what best friends should be. they should be someone you enjoy, someone you delight in, but also someone you just like to have around because you enjoy their presence. or maybe you already have someone that makes you feel this way. so thank them for that--thank them for being the amazing person they are, and tell them how lucky you feel for having met them. also, know that God places people in your life for a specific reason. i urge you to find out what that reason is, and pursue it. find out what God has for you in His family of breathtaking people. He has refuge for you there, in friends like Brigitta, just as much as He has refuge for you in His arms. God plants seeds in your life, like your friends, that can grow into branches that will lead you to the tree, that will lead you to the root of life: God. look for the people He has placed in your life to lead you closer to Him. They will make you feel the joy that He wants for you. I promise.
Be blessed, as I have been blessed by my darling Brigitta.
She is so precious to me, and one of the most unique and inspiring people this world has to give.
love is what makes your soul feel one soul bigger than your own.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Bats
So I graduated almost a month ago, and yes I've taken this long to write about it. But in my defense, my life just kept on moving. It's funny, they say it's one of those defining moments--graduating. But I don't know if i was already over it or what... but i didnt really mind it. it didnt ever hit me like they all said it would. but i also dont know what this illustrious "it" really is. many somethings hit me, but never a definite "it". But i digress. Moving on.
high school taught me much, and gave me much. it taught me about the person i want to be and the person i dont want to be. it taught me to notice what was happening around me and notice that one day it would all be gone...to get all my cliches out of the way.
here's the thing, i feel light high school didnt really happen for me like it does for most people. i didnt party much, i didnt drink, i didnt do drugs or weed or various substances. i didnt have the infamous high school relationship that one desperately tries to hold on to in college. i didnt get my license at sixteen (seventeen and a half, thank you). i can count the football games i went to on one hand. i didnt have a "clique", i kind of floated. i didnt have one best friend throughout--i had many along the way. and, alas, i wasnt prom queen. but let me tell you what i did do:
I did get high on life. i did pull all nighters because i was practicing music until my voice wouldnt squeak anymore. i did have a beautiful romance with a man i will never forget. i did have my heart broken and marvelously reassembled by the families around me. i did go to rehearsal religiously every day and spent my weekends (during those football games) swing dancing my nights away. i didnt have a clique but i had a family. i had a theatre family that i would do anything for and nothing without. i had sisters--not best friends. i wasnt prom queen but i was queen in my Lord's eyes that were always on me. always watching over me. always protecting me.
The Lord wanted many things for me in high school...and He blessed me with so much. I think we all kind of forget, though, that the Lord doesnt see things as we do. I may see this as a huge stepping stone in my life right now, but i know He only sees it as a little spec of what i will become. Ultimately i think high school was about molding me further. It was about preparing me to be strong for the Lord and for His will and purpose for my life. It was about exposing me to things He knew i would have to face on a larger scale later in life. it was about giving me mentors and angels along the way to lead me in the right direction and point me down the right road. it was about finding out what its like to be alone--to try to do things on my own, only to find out that that is not what the Lord wants for me. it was about the Lord, enveloping me into a beautiful community and family that taught me to love myself and the world around me and see that they are just as much a part of it as i am. I cant exist without them. i cant be what i wish and what the Lord wishes without them by my side.
but now i have to move on. i cant dwell on what it WAS about. but now what it IS about. life now will be about learning. it will be about searching and learning to trust and learning to love and learning to look for it in the right places, instead of wrong. its about finding what i have passion for. tending to the wonderlust that is so deep inside of me, it will take years to surface. and im okay with that. im content with the fact that, yes, its going to take a long time for me to find where i truly fit and where i belong. but i take comfort in that. i take comfort in that i get to make mistakes and take wrong turns and find out what works and what doesnt. i can only pray that the Lord will take the reins. that He will guide my eyes and my ears, and my song. i hope that He is what people see when they look at me in this new world i feel im about to enter. i know that unless He is the center of what i do and say, i cant hope to succeed. and that's beautiful to me: giving up my life for His. I cant help but feel He has something great around the corner. i just have to keep my wits around and my seat belt on.
after a doctor's appointment yesterday, i had the strong urge to go to the bookstore. so of course i followed my feet. and before i knew it right in front of me was the entrance to the children's section. sometimes, you realize that your heart is in need. your heart is sick with nostalgia, bursting with the memories you're trying to suppress but cant figure out how to summon. so you go back to your roots and you search for them on the outside, hoping that somehow they'll show you the key to the inside. for me its music, its horses, its flowers, its smells, its children's books. and on this particular day my searching led me to Madeline, and Chrysanthemum, and Curious George, and Angelina Ballerina. But then, what my heart stumbled on, was a book i had not seen before. it was called Night Song. It was about a baby bat, named Chiro, who had not been out in the world on his own yet. so when his mother told him to go out into the night so that he could eat, he said, "but mother, i am afraid, it is dark and i cant see."
"there are other ways to see."
"How?"
"You must use your good sense."
"Momma, what is sense?" "Sense is the song you sing out into the world, and the song the world sings back to you."
When i read this i cried. and then Chiro went out and he did find his way, and he could see through the darkness because of his song. through his journey he sings and sings and then stops to listen to what the world has to sing to him. He teaches and learns and teaches and learns. And through this he does not shrink back in fear but rises to the learning he is now open to receive. The name 'Chiro' is short for Chiroptera which, in Greek is chiro- 'hand' and optera- 'wing'. A bat: the only mammal that is capable of true flight.
When i realized this i knew my heart had reached its destination. my heart is capable of true flight, i just have to keep singing, and keep listening, and the Lord will lead me through the darkness.
So remember that "it" i was talking about? Yeah, that was it. sometimes, to really see your life taking a turn, you have to go back to your roots. you have to go back to your heart and follow your feet. sometimes it takes your heart overflowing with something you know not of until it forces you to listen to it and let the flowing flow.
sometimes, love drives you just bats until you love it back and take a step in a new direction.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Thank You, Maria.
Some days, a girl can realize just how blessed she is.
We just finished an amazing run of The Sound of Music, and now I'm getting to sit back, relax and soak it all in. Let me tell you a little something about playing Maria in the Sound of Music. It is an extremely humbling experience. To portray someone who is absolutely sweeter, more generous, kind, loving, completely committed to the Lord and His plan in her life, is completely an inhuman experience. It is almost spiritual. I live to play roles like Maria. She teaches a girl about herself in so many different ways. At the beginning, i knew that i would be touched by her, but i didn't know exactly in what way. my assumption was that i would be humbled by her, that i would be enamored with who she was. And the truth is, she did do these things, but also much more. As i got to know her and characterized her in my way, I wanted to make her mine--i did not want to be Julie Andrews, nor Mary Martin. Even though i respected their interpretations, who wants to see a repeat of what they've already seen and known for so many years? This was a challenge. It kind of made me look within myself. And honestly, we all have a bit of Maria inside of us. we just have to summon that bit up and put it all together. To begin, what was natural was for me to play her like Julie did, very sophisticated and loving, seeming held together and somewhat wistful. But Ms. Corvera helped me dig her out, i realized she was leaps and bounds more playful than Julie Andrews gave her credit for. Don't get me wrong, Julie Andrews encompassed the woman that took the world by storm and filled our days with songs of joy and laughter and kindness. but my interpretation of Maria (again with a little help from my wonderful directors and colleagues) is that she is just a child. she wasn't really all that put together, but she was wistful and beautiful and a beautiful mess that many teenagers find themselves in. They know what is right to do, and what they are supposed to do, but they have a hard time believing that that is what their calling is. all the while they subconsciously live trying to make what is "right" into what is in the true desires of their hearts.
The interesting part of this is that going into the show i wanted to be a performer. I was dead set on getting my BFA in musical theatre and that was that. However, as the show went on, in my real life, i was getting scared of it. I realized i had no reason for what i wanted. I had no drive. i knew that's what i wanted because i felt like thats what i was supposed to do--it made the most sense. Ive been doing theatre for ten years, why stop now? but what was eating at me was all of the expectations, who i grew up with, my practical values, and ultimately the fear of getting a job after college. i began to question myself, asking myself why in the world did i want to do something like this when i have a passion for anything else? i asked, why do this over teaching? then i realized that getting a degree in teaching wouldn't require any three-part auditions that scared me to death, it opened up many other options for school choices, and i would be able to guarantee paying off my student loans directly out of college. Now, when i had this epiphany, i had just gotten back from a trip to Nashville to see family--lots of family that didnt know how practical a degree in the arts really was. Every time i was asked "what do you want to do in college?" -- "well…" *cue hesitation and brace for unapproving look* "I want to get my BFA in performance." -- "Oh…" i heard them say in my head. So after i came home from a trip like this, i said to myself, wait a second, i don't have to get my degree in performance! i could be a teacher! and that was that. in two seconds flat my whole life plan had changed. Now i know what you're thinking "ANNA NO ANNA NO" yes. i do know. now let me give you some insight into something that happens to me when i make a bad decision but feel like its the right one: I get this slight pang of uncomfortability in my chest. it is VERY slight, but its there. i have the feeling when something impactful happens in my life based on the situation I'm in. call it intuition, the Holy Spirit moving in me, karma, whatever you want. But it's there. why i NEVER listen to it? i have no idea. i guess i feel like it looks good, so its okay if it doesn't feel good. but nevertheless, i immediately called and sent emails and changed all of my audition plans. every single one. i changed the course of my life in little over 24 hours. notice i said nothing to Mrs. Lamb and Mrs. Corvera.
Now, back to Maria. so i continued on, thinking "YES! i feel complete now! my life feels so much more secure and settled!" and i was especially happy, feeling like i could now play Maria without my own doubts getting into my head about who i was and who i was going to be. Because honestly, how can you accurately portray someone else if you really don't know who you are? Anyways, i felt happy with my interpretation of Maria, because i said "yes, how wonderful, she's a teacher, I'm going to be a teacher, we know each other. this is good." and of course i was missing the whole point. eerily inside of me, i felt unsettled about my interpretation. i was stuttering lines, not singing well, felt awkward on stage. but i thought i was just tired. i didn't realize it was because my soul was upset. but because i didn't tell anyone about my decision to switch majors,i couldn't very well get feedback on it, now could i. so the show went on. i started applying to colleges, auditioning in theatre and music education areas, feeling pretty good about myself. But then show month came along.
i was quickly realizing that this would be my last harrah, if i chose the teaching degree i did. but no matter, i thought. ten years is enough. but i was experiencing some things at home in myself that i did not like. something was unsettled inside of me. something was eating at me. something was grabbing at my soul. i would go to rehearsals and feel exhausted when i finished. i would feel stressed out beyond my capacity. Maria was wearing me out because i was experiencing so much inner turmoil, instead of the peace that she symbolizes. but i couldn't feel why. i thought, "I'm doing whats best in the long run. everyone will be proud of me for being a teacher. this is okay this is okay. this is what God wants me to do." then i had a panic attack. clear as day on a Thursday morning i lost it. i cried and cried and cried and i didn't know what to do. i left school. didn't come back for two days. missed rehearsals. felt sick. i got calls and texts from my wonderful cast wishing me well. but it was all too much. i was paralyzed by the storm brewing in my heart and in my head. i didn't know what was happening. thankfully i got a lot of support from my dad and mom, urging me to take breaks and be rested. i always get a little irritable and stressed this time of year--is what we all thought. we thought "this is normal. its just the show and school." when i went back after almost a week of not being at rehearsal, i felt like i could now have a better chance of getting a flow with Maria. But it was still rough to start. i felt like i wasn't connecting with her--like i was just going through the motions. what i didn't realize was that i wasn't connecting with her because i was being someone else. i was being trying to fit Maria's beautiful story into someone who wasn't as brave as she was. into someone who truly was "maria before she met the VonTrapp Family". Then came opening night.
For the first time i connected with her. i felt the audience feedback and love and energy and i was revitalized. i realized why i was there in the first place. I felt complete with her. i couldn't tell you what it was that happened though honestly. maybe it was that i found the joy in myself that i needed to give to her. maybe it was the thrill of being in front of an audience again. maybe it was the encouragement i was receiving from my loving company. And if you read my post "An Opening Night Brings Much Philosophy" you may have some insight into the magic that happens on these nights. But what began my soul finding was Friday night. I was excited about learning about Maria and seeing who we were together and i really felt like i was learning about who i am as a performer with her. But Friday night Bettymom came to see the show. Now, if you've read any of my previous posts about Bettymom, you would know that she is one of my truest inspirations. We've been through so much together, and so much i have learned is because i was blessed with her as my grandmother. she is my Maria. However, if you know her you would know that she is probably the most practical and opinionated woman in our family. She knows what is best for everyone. Very long ago, she was a very big opposer to my aspirations to be a performer. When i told her i was to be a music teacher she was thrilled and relieved. Much like many of my other family members and friends who cared about me. but Saturday morning, i woke up early after the show that night, unexpectedly. Bettymom had seen the show the night before, so she was staying in my room with me. she was awake when i woke up so suddenly. We were talking about the show, and she said something i never thought she would ever say: "Anna, really, you are very talented. I think you should really pursue this." -- "……..What?" Did i hear this? did Bettymom just give me advice to do something that was unreliable? i was in shock… but i was still unphased. i couldn't be phased…i was deathly afraid of it. that would mean many things… many things i did not want to think were possible.
I got ready for the saturday night show, and i realized everything happening around me. I paid special attention to my makeup and looked myself in the eyes many times. I looked at myself in amazement. not vainly, just in the sense that i had no idea who i was looking at. Where had i gone?
When the show ended, i felt it was the best performance i had EVER given. i was free and happy and enamored with my cast. i was SO proud of the performance we gave. SO proud. there were many people that came to see me that night, and i felt so blessed by it. as i came out of the dressing room, i ran into Mr. Mooney (the policeman at my school). He and a couple others were standing around me, asking me what i was going to do next year for college and my career choice. I told them i was thinking education. the strangest thing happened. Chris Aman says, "Oh… well you'll be good at that." somewhat bittersweetly. i almost felt kind of embarrassed to say so. Then they went away and Mooney stayed. "Why aren't you performing?" -- "Well, because i feel like its a little more practical. and i don't think I'm cut out for it. i don't think i could make a living performing." and out of nowhere Ms. Corvera comes. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it must have been something along the lines of implying that i was wrong, and that i could do it if i wanted to. It must have, because i was immediately in awe. Does Ms. Corvera (also a VERY realistic and honest woman) think that i could really do this? is that what she wished i would do? I tried ardently to get her to tell me. I asked her if that was what she thinks i should do, if that would be a smart idea, if she really thought i could make it if i tried. and then she said to me… "You have to find the life you were born to live."
Now if any of you don't know, that is the famous line that Mother Abbess says to Maria when she has run away from the VonTrapp home because she was scared of the passion and love she felt for the family. She knew she was supposed to be a nun, so it scared her that she was in love with something else.
I was in shock. I was scared. i was breathless. i went out to my car to make my way to Denny's (tradition) and I began to sob. i couldn't even open my car door. Jasmine Webber came over and prayed for me.. Darling girl. I cried and cried and cried and yelled to the Lord while i was driving the car. I screamed i didn't know what to do. Dramatic, i know. can you blame me?
But truly! i felt my life had been turned upside down. Here in the midst of my plans the Lord had TWO people i respect and adore telling me to chase my dreams. I woke the next morning to complete peace. you know that feeling you get on a Sunday morning when you wake and the whole house is just quiet…silence…peace. the sun shines in from the window and you feel the sheets under your feet and you stretch and listen. then i began to cry. i didn't know why i was crying. my last high school show? my goodbye to what had helped mold and shape me as a performer? my last show ever? was i making the wrong choice? i got up and got a shower. these days are the ones where you are extremely aware of everything that you felt and experienced. i spent extra time in the shower, feeling the warm on my back and through my hair. after the shower i went out into my silent living room and put on a pot of tea. no one was awake. then my mom came upstairs… she asked if i was alright. we talked a little bit. she asked me how the shows had been--she hadn't been to one yet. we were both very quiet. then i began to cry..she held me…and we talked about what i was feeling. then she started to cry to. she said she felt like she was saying goodbye to my time in Pattonville Theatre just as much as i was. she said maybe the reason she hadn't gone yet was because she didn't want it to end. neither did i.
I got to the theatre for call and my darling Sarah was there, silently putting on her makeup in the midst of the chaos of that silly dressing room. When i saw her my eyes welled up…she said she was crying all day too. of course we were. This is what brought us together. Two of the most opposite, unlikely friends the world could ask for, and our common ground was that stage. I thanked the Lord for my sweet darling Sarah.
As the show went on, i was praying to the Lord to give me a sign. Give me something. Give me clarity and guidance. Then the scene came. the scene where Sarah sang Climb Ev'ry Mountain to me as Mother Abbess. As i walked onto the stage to wait, i had a realization: This scene wasn't about Maria anymore. this scene was about me. Mother Abbess asks "Maria why did they send you back?" and i said "I was frightened. I felt, i never felt that way before. But i knew here i would be away from it. Here i would be safe." I realized that i was running towards teaching because i knew it was safe. Away from the world of performing and uncertainty. Here's a little insight into EXACTLY what i was thinking at that point during the show:
MA: "Maria, are you in love with Captain VonTrapp?" ( Are you in love with performing?)
MARIA: "I don't know, i don't know." (I DONT KNOW!)
MA: "Tell me about it my child."
MARIA: "Brigitta said that i…that her father was in love with me…" (I do love performing and it makes me breathless every time i do it and i don't know what to do. I knew i couldn't stay once i saw i loved it so much.)
MA: But do you like him, Maria?
MARIA: "Oh yes!" (OH YES!)
MA: Did you let him see how you felt? (did you feel that way when you were performing?)
MARIA: "If i did i didn't know that i did. i knew that i was there on God's errand. To have asked for the Captain's love would have been wrong." (i did, but i felt like it wasn't what God wanted me to do. i felt like it wasn't practical, it wasn't safe, and i felt like i wouldn't be living with a Godly purpose but an earthly purpose. I felt like God gave me these gifts to perform, but to use them to be famous or make a living would be wrong. I feel like He would want me to spread my gifts instead of keep them to myself.)
MA: "…My child, you have a great capacity to love. What you must find out is, how does God want you to spend your love." (God will love you no matter what you do. Of course He has plans, but He has put a desire inside of you that will fulfill His purpose. You need to follow the desires of your heart. You have a great capacity to be involved in the theatrical world, you just have to find out what exactly God wants you to do with it.)
MARIA: "Ive pledged my life to God, I've pledged my life to God's service." (Ive decided to be a teacher. Ive pledged my life to doing that in God's will. I feel like that's what He wants, that's what I'm supposed to do. I feel like He wants me to spread my gifts to other people, and to keep them to myself would be wrong.)
MA: "My daughter, if you love this man, it does not mean you love God less. You must find out. You must go back." (Just because you love the desires the Lord put in your heart doesn't mean you love Him less. Just because you chase these dreams doesnt mean you can't chase Him at the same time. He gave you these gifts so you could use them, and He knows that you will always love Him and that you want to please Him. You have to give your dreams a chance. You have to see what He will do with your gifts.)
MARIA: "No Reverend Mother please let me stay here. Please!" (No! I'm scared! i want to feel safe and do what i know for sure of!)
MA: "These walls were not meant to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to find the life you were born to live." (Education majors were not meant for people who would rather do than teach. It is for people who want to teach with all their hearts above anything else. You have to face your dreams. You have to find the life you were born to live.)
MARIA: "But how do i find it?" (But how do i chase my dreams without failing? How do i know for sure that's what I'm supposed to do??)
MA: "Look for it." (Take a chance. Do it. If you fail you fail and you can always turn around. But you have to find out for yourself what is your purpose. And if you Don't try, you'll never know. "
Now many of you may wonder how i was thinking those things and acting at the same time. Oh, trust me, Mrs. D knew exactly what i was thinking the whole time. And when i started to cry, she knew. And i knew too. I knew exactly what i was supposed to do. I had to give my dreams a chance.
So basically that's my long way of saying that Maria didn't just teach me to be humbled or enamored tin her. She taught me much more than that: Maria taught me that even though you may feel like one way is right, and true, and it makes the most sense, and it pleases the most people, and it guarantees a future, and it keeps you the safest, it doesn't mean that that way is the right way to go. Maria taught me that sometimes your biggest enemy can be yourself. It can be your own foolish way of thinking. I learned to trust myself. I learned the reason i have to take a chance. Maria followed her dreams, she followed her heart. She is the prime example of the saying that "When man plans, the Lord laughs." Because He does. We need to know that we can't predict His plan. And just because we love the pure passions and bright desires the Lord places in our hearts, doesn't mean we love Him less. We can chase after the Lord while we chase after our dreams. Because as long as He is at the forefront of our brains and hearts and ambitions, we will not fail. And He will not fail us.
We have to find the life we were born to live.
Thank you Maria.
We just finished an amazing run of The Sound of Music, and now I'm getting to sit back, relax and soak it all in. Let me tell you a little something about playing Maria in the Sound of Music. It is an extremely humbling experience. To portray someone who is absolutely sweeter, more generous, kind, loving, completely committed to the Lord and His plan in her life, is completely an inhuman experience. It is almost spiritual. I live to play roles like Maria. She teaches a girl about herself in so many different ways. At the beginning, i knew that i would be touched by her, but i didn't know exactly in what way. my assumption was that i would be humbled by her, that i would be enamored with who she was. And the truth is, she did do these things, but also much more. As i got to know her and characterized her in my way, I wanted to make her mine--i did not want to be Julie Andrews, nor Mary Martin. Even though i respected their interpretations, who wants to see a repeat of what they've already seen and known for so many years? This was a challenge. It kind of made me look within myself. And honestly, we all have a bit of Maria inside of us. we just have to summon that bit up and put it all together. To begin, what was natural was for me to play her like Julie did, very sophisticated and loving, seeming held together and somewhat wistful. But Ms. Corvera helped me dig her out, i realized she was leaps and bounds more playful than Julie Andrews gave her credit for. Don't get me wrong, Julie Andrews encompassed the woman that took the world by storm and filled our days with songs of joy and laughter and kindness. but my interpretation of Maria (again with a little help from my wonderful directors and colleagues) is that she is just a child. she wasn't really all that put together, but she was wistful and beautiful and a beautiful mess that many teenagers find themselves in. They know what is right to do, and what they are supposed to do, but they have a hard time believing that that is what their calling is. all the while they subconsciously live trying to make what is "right" into what is in the true desires of their hearts.
The interesting part of this is that going into the show i wanted to be a performer. I was dead set on getting my BFA in musical theatre and that was that. However, as the show went on, in my real life, i was getting scared of it. I realized i had no reason for what i wanted. I had no drive. i knew that's what i wanted because i felt like thats what i was supposed to do--it made the most sense. Ive been doing theatre for ten years, why stop now? but what was eating at me was all of the expectations, who i grew up with, my practical values, and ultimately the fear of getting a job after college. i began to question myself, asking myself why in the world did i want to do something like this when i have a passion for anything else? i asked, why do this over teaching? then i realized that getting a degree in teaching wouldn't require any three-part auditions that scared me to death, it opened up many other options for school choices, and i would be able to guarantee paying off my student loans directly out of college. Now, when i had this epiphany, i had just gotten back from a trip to Nashville to see family--lots of family that didnt know how practical a degree in the arts really was. Every time i was asked "what do you want to do in college?" -- "well…" *cue hesitation and brace for unapproving look* "I want to get my BFA in performance." -- "Oh…" i heard them say in my head. So after i came home from a trip like this, i said to myself, wait a second, i don't have to get my degree in performance! i could be a teacher! and that was that. in two seconds flat my whole life plan had changed. Now i know what you're thinking "ANNA NO ANNA NO" yes. i do know. now let me give you some insight into something that happens to me when i make a bad decision but feel like its the right one: I get this slight pang of uncomfortability in my chest. it is VERY slight, but its there. i have the feeling when something impactful happens in my life based on the situation I'm in. call it intuition, the Holy Spirit moving in me, karma, whatever you want. But it's there. why i NEVER listen to it? i have no idea. i guess i feel like it looks good, so its okay if it doesn't feel good. but nevertheless, i immediately called and sent emails and changed all of my audition plans. every single one. i changed the course of my life in little over 24 hours. notice i said nothing to Mrs. Lamb and Mrs. Corvera.
Now, back to Maria. so i continued on, thinking "YES! i feel complete now! my life feels so much more secure and settled!" and i was especially happy, feeling like i could now play Maria without my own doubts getting into my head about who i was and who i was going to be. Because honestly, how can you accurately portray someone else if you really don't know who you are? Anyways, i felt happy with my interpretation of Maria, because i said "yes, how wonderful, she's a teacher, I'm going to be a teacher, we know each other. this is good." and of course i was missing the whole point. eerily inside of me, i felt unsettled about my interpretation. i was stuttering lines, not singing well, felt awkward on stage. but i thought i was just tired. i didn't realize it was because my soul was upset. but because i didn't tell anyone about my decision to switch majors,i couldn't very well get feedback on it, now could i. so the show went on. i started applying to colleges, auditioning in theatre and music education areas, feeling pretty good about myself. But then show month came along.
i was quickly realizing that this would be my last harrah, if i chose the teaching degree i did. but no matter, i thought. ten years is enough. but i was experiencing some things at home in myself that i did not like. something was unsettled inside of me. something was eating at me. something was grabbing at my soul. i would go to rehearsals and feel exhausted when i finished. i would feel stressed out beyond my capacity. Maria was wearing me out because i was experiencing so much inner turmoil, instead of the peace that she symbolizes. but i couldn't feel why. i thought, "I'm doing whats best in the long run. everyone will be proud of me for being a teacher. this is okay this is okay. this is what God wants me to do." then i had a panic attack. clear as day on a Thursday morning i lost it. i cried and cried and cried and i didn't know what to do. i left school. didn't come back for two days. missed rehearsals. felt sick. i got calls and texts from my wonderful cast wishing me well. but it was all too much. i was paralyzed by the storm brewing in my heart and in my head. i didn't know what was happening. thankfully i got a lot of support from my dad and mom, urging me to take breaks and be rested. i always get a little irritable and stressed this time of year--is what we all thought. we thought "this is normal. its just the show and school." when i went back after almost a week of not being at rehearsal, i felt like i could now have a better chance of getting a flow with Maria. But it was still rough to start. i felt like i wasn't connecting with her--like i was just going through the motions. what i didn't realize was that i wasn't connecting with her because i was being someone else. i was being trying to fit Maria's beautiful story into someone who wasn't as brave as she was. into someone who truly was "maria before she met the VonTrapp Family". Then came opening night.
For the first time i connected with her. i felt the audience feedback and love and energy and i was revitalized. i realized why i was there in the first place. I felt complete with her. i couldn't tell you what it was that happened though honestly. maybe it was that i found the joy in myself that i needed to give to her. maybe it was the thrill of being in front of an audience again. maybe it was the encouragement i was receiving from my loving company. And if you read my post "An Opening Night Brings Much Philosophy" you may have some insight into the magic that happens on these nights. But what began my soul finding was Friday night. I was excited about learning about Maria and seeing who we were together and i really felt like i was learning about who i am as a performer with her. But Friday night Bettymom came to see the show. Now, if you've read any of my previous posts about Bettymom, you would know that she is one of my truest inspirations. We've been through so much together, and so much i have learned is because i was blessed with her as my grandmother. she is my Maria. However, if you know her you would know that she is probably the most practical and opinionated woman in our family. She knows what is best for everyone. Very long ago, she was a very big opposer to my aspirations to be a performer. When i told her i was to be a music teacher she was thrilled and relieved. Much like many of my other family members and friends who cared about me. but Saturday morning, i woke up early after the show that night, unexpectedly. Bettymom had seen the show the night before, so she was staying in my room with me. she was awake when i woke up so suddenly. We were talking about the show, and she said something i never thought she would ever say: "Anna, really, you are very talented. I think you should really pursue this." -- "……..What?" Did i hear this? did Bettymom just give me advice to do something that was unreliable? i was in shock… but i was still unphased. i couldn't be phased…i was deathly afraid of it. that would mean many things… many things i did not want to think were possible.
I got ready for the saturday night show, and i realized everything happening around me. I paid special attention to my makeup and looked myself in the eyes many times. I looked at myself in amazement. not vainly, just in the sense that i had no idea who i was looking at. Where had i gone?
When the show ended, i felt it was the best performance i had EVER given. i was free and happy and enamored with my cast. i was SO proud of the performance we gave. SO proud. there were many people that came to see me that night, and i felt so blessed by it. as i came out of the dressing room, i ran into Mr. Mooney (the policeman at my school). He and a couple others were standing around me, asking me what i was going to do next year for college and my career choice. I told them i was thinking education. the strangest thing happened. Chris Aman says, "Oh… well you'll be good at that." somewhat bittersweetly. i almost felt kind of embarrassed to say so. Then they went away and Mooney stayed. "Why aren't you performing?" -- "Well, because i feel like its a little more practical. and i don't think I'm cut out for it. i don't think i could make a living performing." and out of nowhere Ms. Corvera comes. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it must have been something along the lines of implying that i was wrong, and that i could do it if i wanted to. It must have, because i was immediately in awe. Does Ms. Corvera (also a VERY realistic and honest woman) think that i could really do this? is that what she wished i would do? I tried ardently to get her to tell me. I asked her if that was what she thinks i should do, if that would be a smart idea, if she really thought i could make it if i tried. and then she said to me… "You have to find the life you were born to live."
Now if any of you don't know, that is the famous line that Mother Abbess says to Maria when she has run away from the VonTrapp home because she was scared of the passion and love she felt for the family. She knew she was supposed to be a nun, so it scared her that she was in love with something else.
I was in shock. I was scared. i was breathless. i went out to my car to make my way to Denny's (tradition) and I began to sob. i couldn't even open my car door. Jasmine Webber came over and prayed for me.. Darling girl. I cried and cried and cried and yelled to the Lord while i was driving the car. I screamed i didn't know what to do. Dramatic, i know. can you blame me?
But truly! i felt my life had been turned upside down. Here in the midst of my plans the Lord had TWO people i respect and adore telling me to chase my dreams. I woke the next morning to complete peace. you know that feeling you get on a Sunday morning when you wake and the whole house is just quiet…silence…peace. the sun shines in from the window and you feel the sheets under your feet and you stretch and listen. then i began to cry. i didn't know why i was crying. my last high school show? my goodbye to what had helped mold and shape me as a performer? my last show ever? was i making the wrong choice? i got up and got a shower. these days are the ones where you are extremely aware of everything that you felt and experienced. i spent extra time in the shower, feeling the warm on my back and through my hair. after the shower i went out into my silent living room and put on a pot of tea. no one was awake. then my mom came upstairs… she asked if i was alright. we talked a little bit. she asked me how the shows had been--she hadn't been to one yet. we were both very quiet. then i began to cry..she held me…and we talked about what i was feeling. then she started to cry to. she said she felt like she was saying goodbye to my time in Pattonville Theatre just as much as i was. she said maybe the reason she hadn't gone yet was because she didn't want it to end. neither did i.
I got to the theatre for call and my darling Sarah was there, silently putting on her makeup in the midst of the chaos of that silly dressing room. When i saw her my eyes welled up…she said she was crying all day too. of course we were. This is what brought us together. Two of the most opposite, unlikely friends the world could ask for, and our common ground was that stage. I thanked the Lord for my sweet darling Sarah.
As the show went on, i was praying to the Lord to give me a sign. Give me something. Give me clarity and guidance. Then the scene came. the scene where Sarah sang Climb Ev'ry Mountain to me as Mother Abbess. As i walked onto the stage to wait, i had a realization: This scene wasn't about Maria anymore. this scene was about me. Mother Abbess asks "Maria why did they send you back?" and i said "I was frightened. I felt, i never felt that way before. But i knew here i would be away from it. Here i would be safe." I realized that i was running towards teaching because i knew it was safe. Away from the world of performing and uncertainty. Here's a little insight into EXACTLY what i was thinking at that point during the show:
MA: "Maria, are you in love with Captain VonTrapp?" ( Are you in love with performing?)
MARIA: "I don't know, i don't know." (I DONT KNOW!)
MA: "Tell me about it my child."
MARIA: "Brigitta said that i…that her father was in love with me…" (I do love performing and it makes me breathless every time i do it and i don't know what to do. I knew i couldn't stay once i saw i loved it so much.)
MA: But do you like him, Maria?
MARIA: "Oh yes!" (OH YES!)
MA: Did you let him see how you felt? (did you feel that way when you were performing?)
MARIA: "If i did i didn't know that i did. i knew that i was there on God's errand. To have asked for the Captain's love would have been wrong." (i did, but i felt like it wasn't what God wanted me to do. i felt like it wasn't practical, it wasn't safe, and i felt like i wouldn't be living with a Godly purpose but an earthly purpose. I felt like God gave me these gifts to perform, but to use them to be famous or make a living would be wrong. I feel like He would want me to spread my gifts instead of keep them to myself.)
MA: "…My child, you have a great capacity to love. What you must find out is, how does God want you to spend your love." (God will love you no matter what you do. Of course He has plans, but He has put a desire inside of you that will fulfill His purpose. You need to follow the desires of your heart. You have a great capacity to be involved in the theatrical world, you just have to find out what exactly God wants you to do with it.)
MARIA: "Ive pledged my life to God, I've pledged my life to God's service." (Ive decided to be a teacher. Ive pledged my life to doing that in God's will. I feel like that's what He wants, that's what I'm supposed to do. I feel like He wants me to spread my gifts to other people, and to keep them to myself would be wrong.)
MA: "My daughter, if you love this man, it does not mean you love God less. You must find out. You must go back." (Just because you love the desires the Lord put in your heart doesn't mean you love Him less. Just because you chase these dreams doesnt mean you can't chase Him at the same time. He gave you these gifts so you could use them, and He knows that you will always love Him and that you want to please Him. You have to give your dreams a chance. You have to see what He will do with your gifts.)
MARIA: "No Reverend Mother please let me stay here. Please!" (No! I'm scared! i want to feel safe and do what i know for sure of!)
MA: "These walls were not meant to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to find the life you were born to live." (Education majors were not meant for people who would rather do than teach. It is for people who want to teach with all their hearts above anything else. You have to face your dreams. You have to find the life you were born to live.)
MARIA: "But how do i find it?" (But how do i chase my dreams without failing? How do i know for sure that's what I'm supposed to do??)
MA: "Look for it." (Take a chance. Do it. If you fail you fail and you can always turn around. But you have to find out for yourself what is your purpose. And if you Don't try, you'll never know. "
Now many of you may wonder how i was thinking those things and acting at the same time. Oh, trust me, Mrs. D knew exactly what i was thinking the whole time. And when i started to cry, she knew. And i knew too. I knew exactly what i was supposed to do. I had to give my dreams a chance.
So basically that's my long way of saying that Maria didn't just teach me to be humbled or enamored tin her. She taught me much more than that: Maria taught me that even though you may feel like one way is right, and true, and it makes the most sense, and it pleases the most people, and it guarantees a future, and it keeps you the safest, it doesn't mean that that way is the right way to go. Maria taught me that sometimes your biggest enemy can be yourself. It can be your own foolish way of thinking. I learned to trust myself. I learned the reason i have to take a chance. Maria followed her dreams, she followed her heart. She is the prime example of the saying that "When man plans, the Lord laughs." Because He does. We need to know that we can't predict His plan. And just because we love the pure passions and bright desires the Lord places in our hearts, doesn't mean we love Him less. We can chase after the Lord while we chase after our dreams. Because as long as He is at the forefront of our brains and hearts and ambitions, we will not fail. And He will not fail us.
We have to find the life we were born to live.
Thank you Maria.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
To My Beloved, For The Morning
Today I saw that I am one step closer to the love of my life. Every day that I continue, every day that I step forward, I'm one step closer to him. I realized that my soul has been with him for eternity. When the Lord made my husband, He was making me at the exact same time. He was thinking of me, making sure that every piece would fit perfectly. When I wake up each morning, I can feel him. Somewhere in the world, the Lord woke him up or me. Somewhere in the world, the Lord is making him into the man to house my heart as we combine them into one beautiful offering to the Lord. Our life together, our story, our fairy tale, will be our sacrifice to the Lord.
But in the meantime, he gives me hope, my beloved one. When I walk down that middle aisle to my love, I'll be able to say to him with all confidence: Thank you. Thank you for haunting my dreams and living in my childhood. Thank you for waiting for me as I have waited for you. Thank you for sacrificing for me as I have sacrificed for you. Thank you for all the hearts you've broken so that you can be with me. Thank you for chasing after the Lord so that you could chase Him right up to me. For I am where He is and He is where i am. And now, we can be where He is and He can be where we are.
A word of encouragement for you darling, so that when you finally read this, you can know what my wishes were for you when we still had not met: keep going. Keep wishing and dreaming. I know you have big plans for you and me, but focus on you for now. I'm not going anywhere, I'll be there when I'm supposed to be, so you need not worry. When your heart misses me at night, as my heart misses you, think about the things you might like to say to me when we meet again. Think about what we must have been like in heaven, before the Lord sent us down here. Think about how hard it probably was for Him to separate us! I bet it took all His might to split us up. But He knew better, as always. I bet we'll be in love--think about that. I bet we'll have the sweetest looks and the sweetest stories to tell our children about when we met. And also when you miss me at night, or early in the morning when you're seeing the first light of day, pray for me. Pray for me as I am praying for you. I pray that the Lord will guide and protect you. I pray that you will never ever feel alone. I pray that you would chase after your dreams at the hardest speed. Go find the closest flower to you. Hold it close to your face and study it, smell it's perfume. Look at the wrinkles in the petals and the wilting it has begun. It's still absolutely beautiful, right? Realize that even though it's wrinkly and broken, it still holds a sentimental charm and emits a sweet smell. Many situations in life have this symbolism. I urge you to apply it to everything you can. It will bring you a new outlook on life and a new hope for the beauty in the world. Many things, many relationships, many situations may feel broken, may look broken, but they will never lack a lesson. They will never lack some kind of benefit or encouraging thought. It may just take a couple tries to find it.
Lastly, sweet love, smile. Smile in the day and in the night. It's a powerful medicine, you will be surprised. Smile because this is one day closer to when you have me.
I love you.
Love is definite.
Love is infinite.
Love defies all separation.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Mine (5/15/13)
My love, take me if you please.
My beloved, make me your other half.
My sweet heart, break mine if it sets yours free.
My darling, let me hold you until the sun comes up.
My dear, let me sing sweet words in your ear until you forget all of your troubles.
My sunshine, I know there is uncertainty and there always will be. But my sweet you must know that I'm going to say every word I can say, throw every fist I can throw, pray every prayer I can pray, to keep you in my arms.
Darling, choose wisely.
My beloved, make me your other half.
My sweet heart, break mine if it sets yours free.
My darling, let me hold you until the sun comes up.
My dear, let me sing sweet words in your ear until you forget all of your troubles.
My sunshine, I know there is uncertainty and there always will be. But my sweet you must know that I'm going to say every word I can say, throw every fist I can throw, pray every prayer I can pray, to keep you in my arms.
Darling, choose wisely.
A Mature Person?
“A mature person is one who does not think only in absolutes, who is able to be objective even when deeply stirred emotionally, who has learned that there is both good and bad in all people and all things, and who walks humbly and deals charitably with the circumstances of life, knowing that in this world no one is all-knowing and therefore all of us need both love and charity.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
I think Eleanor did a wonderful job of explaining this. I'm on a family trip, and ive been particularly drawn to observing my little brother, michael. He is about twelve as of now, and he thinks hes so old and mature. He tells everyone's business and talks as if no one could ever prove him wrong. he means well, but sometimes it comes off completely wrong. I sat and thought to myself, when will he grow out of this and grow up? And then y thought pattern progressed to, well, am i really able to judge who is grown and who is not? and what judges maturity? am i mature? i believe that there are many different definitions of maturity--most depending on the individual or the situation. but when i saw this quote that Eleanor said, it made me think long and hard. maybe this isnt the official definition, but it is definitely a concept something that those coming-of-age should be thinking about.
Thinking objectively in the midst of powerful emotion or biased passion can be difficult for even those over 21 and considered legal adults. some "adults" never really grow up...but thats a different topic. objective thinking despite emotion is something all of us should learn to be aware of in ourselves. its very easy for people, human nature, to make a decision based on how they are feeling at that moment. We must learn to look ahead, asking ourselves, "if i do this now, what will it make tomorrow look like?" one might be surprised at the difference even that, simply, can make. but of course, it is easier said than done.
The second part of that sentence, talking about good and bad and humility, is particularly convicting to me. How often, and how "trendy"it is to judge those we do not know. Or even those we do know and still wish to continue judging. there are many many of those "trendy" characteristics about humanity that people of the world do not wish to confront (gossip, lies, judgement, things that people do and think "oh, its okay."). anyways, looking at someone and their outward appearance or even things youve heard of them, and being able to say, i know there is good in there somewhere, so i should treat them as such" requires a great amount of humility and self control. but WHAT a beautiful world we could create if more people thought that way. so much racism would go away--so many mental illnesses like eating disorders would be done away with--the most unlikely of friends would be made--bullying would decrease drastically. Think of it. we could change the world by a simple change of thought, could we not?
im all for equality, really i am. and i know there are some world-issues in which equality cannot belong because it would upset the political world, but i have thoughts of so much. if we, people, in our own minds, can humble ourselves and change the way we think. if we change the way we think, we change the way we act towards others and how we act in the presence of others. those simple acts for and among people will trigger thoughts in their minds which may inspire them to follow suit. then the process keeps multiplying. Now, it is unrealistic to think that every person will be affected by these acts, but we must have the hope that at least one in ten people will NOTICE. however, also, remember we should not be naiive or timid. "For the Lord did not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Timothy 1:7) some people may decide to take advantage of those of us that act humbly and think the best of people. but we must not recede or lose hope. we must believe that what we're doing does not only change others and the moods of others around us, but it will change us as well. it will uplift us and empower us.
So this, to Eleanor, is maturity. to put ourselves aside for others. to make decisions void of selfish emotion. to humble ourselves and see the good in everyone. There is something beautiful about looking for the good in everything. it makes me, personally, very peaceful. but again, different story. do i agree that this is all there is to maturity? certainly not. there is much that goes into a fully developed human being. all we can do is look each and every day for a way to better ourselves into a more defined individual. who you are in this world is up to you, of course. but you only get one you. you only get one interaction in each minute of the day. that exact minute, hour, day, month, and year, will never ever happen again. and you got to claim it. so how will you choose to claim it? make the best of each moment. and strive to be the only you and the best you. live the legacy of you that they will talk about for years over. no one wants perfection, and the mistakes you make make you who you are. so dont be afraid to get out there and try. define maturity.
Love is what comes after loving who you are.
Love deserves to be spread.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
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