An Apology Long Awaited

Being a good friend is not easy. And hard to find. I wish I was a better friend so much of the time...because I have been blessed with some of the most reliable, forgiving, loyal friends in the world. I'm just so busy so much of the time... And I numb myself to the world and the love around me. It's selfish. I'd like to take this time to apologize to all of the people who have been so pursuant of me in these times...I'm sorry I haven't returned the favor. I pray that I will be able and brave enough to do so in the future. You all have given me one of the greatest gifts a grim could ask for: love. Real love. Unconditional, forgiving love.

Destination: Beautiful

Then there's the moment when you realize he will always be there. A part of you. And a part of him will always be yours. No matter who he says he loves. And you will be a part of him and love him, no matter who you say you love. Because he has a part of you you can't get back. No matter how hard you try.

You have no choice but to,

Let This Be Your Sun.

Stop This And Come Back To You. With Help From Missy

"Everyone's Waiting"

I know all the lines to say
The part I’m expected to play
But in the reflection I am worlds away

As I put my costume on
Eyelashes one by one
Been doing this so long I can tie the knot
Behind my back

And everyone’s waiting
But it’s getting harder to hear what my heart is saying
Cos everyone’s waiting

"Just swallow and breathe," she says,
"Remember this ain’t for you it’s for them
And all of those painful lessons you’ve had to learn
You gotta use them now or never"

Cos everyone’s waiting
But it’s getting harder to hear
What my heart keeps saying
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

When everyone’s waiting
It makes it harder to hear what my heart keeps saying
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

But everyone’s waiting
I hear that answers appear when you just stand still
But make it all, how do you make it all stop
When everyone’s waiting?
Everyone's waiting.

Sometimes Someone Else Can Say How You Feel Better Than You Can

"Ten Days"

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
Tried letting go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home,
You're still the only one I've gotta love. 

40 Years: A Victory

Family is why I come back to theatre every time, without fail. The Patt Holt Singers are a prime example of the amazing experience. This year, Patt Holt is celebrating 40years. The group began with a class of fifth graders taught by Patricia Holt. A group of nuns asked them to sing a couple songs for a recital, and, luckily, Patt knew a thing or two about music. When the fifth graders finally reached eight grade and were about to graduate to high school, they gathered in the living room of Patricia Holt and said they wanted to keep singing. Patricia said yes of course, but what will we call it? The Patt Holt Singers, they said with a grin. And so it began. It's the love of one woman, the love of singing and dancing, the love of family, that kept it going. The group got so big, they eventually had to split the group in three: Just Kids, Connection, and Singers. Since then, generations have been in and out of PHS, but one woman has been there through it all and watched them all grow and learn. Patt Holt. This woman is truly remarkable. We call her 'Fearless' because a family this big has to have a fearless leader! I'm so lucky to have been a part of this group. When my faith in theatre dwindled, PHS reminded me that there's always family, you just have to look for it, and be willing to see it. I had five costume changes at the reunion show last night. Five! I could have been stressed and angry and pulling my hair out right to left. But I didn't. Because my family was right there with me. Before a performance, for the old pros, the nerves may not be there. The excitement may not be there. In fact, many said, "I think I'm done after this. I can't do it anymore." but I know for a fact that hearts were changed. When the lights go up, we share the adrenaline, we renew the feelings we had from our first moment on the stage, and instantly, we know that's where we belong. I've learned so much from this family... They taught me to dance with my heart instead of my head. They taught me to feel the freedom of enjoying what I'm doing on the stage because I know that even if I mess up, there will be someone right behind me to back me up. They taught me that even through tears and trials, and difficult personalities, and trying times, there is a reason for everything. There's a reason you're going through this right now. But that reason may not show itself until you least expect it. I hope The Patt Holt Singers live on like it does in the hearts of so many... Their story alone is a triumph. I believe it will have many triumphs to come. It still has much to teach me, and I pray that I am open to learning. But for now, I just want to say that 10 years is a great thing, 20 years is impressive, 30 years is a success, and 40 years, a victory.

Love is made perfect in the heart that presses on.

My Dear Brielle

There's a girl in my life that I have come to love and admire in a deep way. God takes less than two minutes planning out a life that it would take a million years for a human to plan. He places each person in a family with a group of People for a specific reason. He thinks of every expereience one will have in their life, and places another person there at the same time to help them through that experience. This girl has been there through everything. Maybe not involved in every experience, but she had a strong presence in my life always. She's always been my role model for beauty and character. Shes easy to look up to and always dependable and loyal. She's going to be leaving my life soon... And I'll be assuming her role as leader of siblings in my family... I'm scared. She did it perfectly. Giving an equal amount of love to each person. Sure she's lost her head many a time... But she comes back and appOlogizes every time. She's just. The wOrld is a lucky place to be receiving her. I hope it accepts her lovingly, and deservingly. Because God knows she deserves so much more than it has to offer her. But life hasnt always been serious with she and i. We would leave the house when the clouds gathered there, and search for new suns that bring joy and light to our darkness. They gave us both an escape that we can only find when it's just the two of us. She's the one person in the world that has always known the original Anna. I can let go whenever I'm with her. She accepts my mistakes and delights in my triumphs. She's forgiving of every wrong that I've ever done, to her or not. I'm blessed. That's the only way I can describe it. Because luck isn't so kind as to give me the gift of my sister, Gabrielle. You've taught me much, whether you'll admIt it or not. Your hazel eyes and dark curls make me feel at home. Your arms welcome my tears as well as my joy. Whenever you're around, I'll always be home.

Love And Numbness And Voids

Forgive this post for being so childish... but i think i needed to see it written out.
There are a couple things i dont understand about losing love.

1) How come we are completely blinded to anything bad about the relationship instantly after it ends?
I went to an spring training at opera theatre st. louis about a week ago. one thing we had workshops on was something called the alexander technique. from my perception, it was a relaxtion method based on mindfulness. for all you non-therapist-speaking chicos out there, that's being aware of your surroundings to calm yourself down. I, having a particular problem with anxiety, was very interested in the alexander technique. the first steps were thinking about your neck and freeing it of all tension, so that someone could come up to you and move your head from side to side with no resistance. after thinking of that, one would focus on their shoulders, thinking of them as separating from the body, and becoming long and free. Then, finally, thinking of one's feet to be as big duck feet, securely but gently attached to the floor. The catch, however, is to be completely concious of your surroundings and where you are whilst thinking these things. In other words, dont zone out, and be in the moment. When one is on stage, they can be concious and there, but they can forget everything that happened once they step back to the wings. I didnt know other people experienced this! that i was the only one! but, low and behold, many people experience it. I've literally gone onstage for monologues and got done and had to ask people what happened, because i hadno memory of it. its a symptom of anxiety. the alexander technique is to help with that. it helps one to realize where they are and what they are doing. however, some actors play for that reason specifically. to forget where and who they are for a split second in time.... but that theory is for another day. anyways, ive said all this because sometimes, when one is in a relationship, they are present and "in the moment", but once its over, they dont remember key things about the relationship and end up being confused as to why they left in the first place. I'm notsure whether that's a symptom of anxiety, or just a symptom of relationship dynamics in general. I suppose, if the relationship was bad enough, one would only remember the bad parts instead of all the good. I, for one, only remember the good, and never the bad...sometimes to the point where i regret the break up in the first place. I know i had a perfectly logical reason, but it didnt seem logical afterwards. I think we can go into this numb spot... this place where we dont really feel anything anymore. eventually, feeling makes its way back, but it takes a bit. i suppose, my point is, i dont understand why. but, my words of wisdom to my self and all of you, is live. be there. take a really good look at everything around you, and think about how grateful you are that youre there. sure, your relationship may be hard, and rough, and hurting. but before you write it off, and forget everything, good or bad, admire it. you dont know what you'll get to keep and what you lose once you've lost it.

Love deserves to be admired.

2) Why is it that we dont want anything to do with love after a break up, but a few weeks later we're feeling lonely all over again? The point doesnt make sense to me at all. maybe it's that im young. maybe its that im not mature enough to feel certain things. but, all i know is that ive felt the, "i want to be free" feeling so many times before, but when the chance comes for me to choose freedom over captivity of a relationship, its uncontrollable for me to deny captivity. Why do we as humans enjoy that that hurts us? its such a trait of man kind, im noticing. so many beloved lyricists write their best when they are hurt. teenagers with broken hearts like to stay broken until someone else fixes them. alcoholics wait for that one drink to cure them of their hurt. middle aged women date and date and marry and marry to fix their loneliness. why do we always wait for something that's fleeting to make a permanent healing? i admit, that im coming to the realization that i like being sad sometimes. i enjoy quiet, pensive thoughts. and sometimes its good (see Sadness Should Be Perscription Medecine). and then, i dont want to be healed. but when i do, i go looking in the wrong places. there's only one Healer, that can heal in a lasting way, for our every need. I believe we were wired to need a Healer, and that's why we go looking for escapes. we were designed so that we would need someone or something to fulfill us. an empty void. the fact of the matter is, only one Someone can fill it completely. God has that power. He created that void in us for that specific reason. We try and fill that void with sadness, we try and fill it with the passion for freedom. but, honestly, the only way that will last is when we fill it with Him.

So, i guess i answered at least one of my own questions in this post.

Love is permanently filling of the void we all try so hard to fill our entire lives.

Love and Poison

Enter: A man sitting at a table, sculpting what seems to be a god. A girl walks over to him, and asks him of it. He replies-

"His hands will hold the bow. His arrows, some say, are tipped with love."


And to this, the girl says, "Yes, but others say they are tipped with poison."


"It is sometimes hard to tell. The symptoms are the same."


When i heard this scene from One Night With The King, i was amazed at what truth it held. sometimes, you know of a certain concept and the truth it holds, but it takes something like this to really make you notice it, and the beauty in it. Love and poison have two different results, yes, but their symptoms are very much alike. Everyone knows the attributes of poison: pain, sting, occasionally sudden sharp surprise, and sometimes a fatal scar. Take a moment, and apply those same symptoms to Love.

Does it still make sense? To me, it did. Love isnt always fun and sweet and pleasing to the heart. Often, if not all times, Love grows when it overcomes trials. Sometimes, even, Love is made known in these times for the first time. Why do you think old married couples are so in love with each other? Yeah, they've been around each other for over half their lives, but why is that significant? They go through everything together. They see each other in times of weakness, and learn to love each other through challenges and trials. Love is the fatal scar. Something beautiful, something to look at and remember how it got there.
The same is thought for in young "love". At first, feelings of "love" come through as sharp and surprising. but then, when the "love" ends, especially if it is a first love, the pain is always there. The pain cuts like a knife, and leaves a scar that will always hurt to remember.

I thought about this a little harder, and i thought of Love, Himself. When we have walked with Him for a long time ("old married couple" example), we look back and see that we dont have to hide the scars we've developed. Love makes us do crazy things. Sometimes, those crazy things involve jumping out into nothing when we cant see the bottom, and trusting that He will catch us when we fall. Sometimes, those crazy things hurt. We might have to give something up or let go of someone that hurts to let go of... Those scars make us stronger. That pain builds in us a fire that cannot be replaced. a passion that we cannot imagine. and all the pain only lasts for a short time. it is no comparison to the joy that is to come.
In young Love, when we first start walking with Him, we come from brokenness. We come to Him in pieces, because we finally realize we cant do it alone. when He picks us up from our darkness and sorrow, we begin to learn what Love feels like when He is administering it to us. dont get me wrong, it will be rocky for quite some time. But the result is what we look at. We'll look on it later as an old married couple looks at their life together: something to be proud of. we can say, "Love did that for me. When i was in the lowest of lows, and in the darkest most painful place, Love pulled me through. and it made my Love stronger, and me stronger."

Love can be painful. But dont waste your time looking at the poison of this life. Look at the Love that's being created because of it. Soon enough, you'll see the finished product.

Love is overcoming poison.

I Like Listening To Others' Definitions Too

On Letting Go... "About a year ago, I was talking to an artist friend of mine about inspiration, and where it comes from. Throughout most of my life, I have never been able to answer that question, but I can easily answer that, now. And it was because of something a young girl (maybe 11 or 12 years old) said to me at my first gallery exhibit..."It's like you are in love with being in love". During the first couple of years of my life as a photographer, I could not have told you exactly what it is that inspires me...but that little girl instantly shed light on the truth behind my work...and I have never forgotten her words. There is no substitution for the pure honesty of a child. As time went by, I could not help but ponder the truth of her statement. "Love" is such a broad-reaching & nebulous term, so I began to look very closely at "what is love", to me. And I soon became very aware of what facets of love inspire me... I've been a very fortunate man, in that the 3 relationships I've had over the last 5 years were with women I simply had to photograph every day. We created art. Together. Truth-be-told, the majority of my work you see here on DA was produced with the 3 aforementioned women. The layer of reality & intimacy in the photos we created was undeniable. You simply cannot fake that...and it was exactly this that I fell in love with. This was my introduction to photography. I quickly became addicted to having a muse. To photograph someone I love...and someone that loves me. It is a powerfully-addicting drug, believe me. I've never been the same, since. What I call "art" comes from a very deep place inside of me...and to share that with someone means letting them into that place, with no restrictions. The bond between the two of us is infinitely deeper, as a result. But as I've said before: such great joy is often paid for with a parallel sorrow. Everything changes, eventually. Nothing lasts forever. And after that train has wrecked into a crumpled mess on the tracks, it's time to pay the price. For me, it is absolutely eviscerating to lose that fountain of inspiration. I think because she and I have been to such a deep & profound place together, it takes much, much longer to climb back to the surface...and it doesn't help, knowing that the climb up has to be done alone. Yet, despite the soul-numbing pain with which I pay for the joy I knew, and the art we would create together, I have never regretted climbing aboard that disaster-bound train. Eventually, and always, I get back in-line for more. It is purely for cathartic reasons that I write all of this. Only just today, after a year of healing, I can finally let go of her. To let go of the sad things, and the bad things, and the painful memories. I can focus solely on my good memories of her...and to smile again. It's much better this way. Thank you for reading my little cathartic diatribe, here...I love you guys"

--Unknown

An Extremely Heart-Wrenching Thing

this is my confession...

it is an extremely sad thing when passion is shot down by fear. And an even worse thing when that passion is not defended by the person eliciting it.

Ive backed down again, i must admit. Ive let fear get in the way of defending the one thing that's saved my life. But, i guess i just dont believe in public quarrelling. to me, it is a childish thing: to argue in a place where everyone can see and read it. and those who participate in it are a childish people (debate being a different story, of course). if replying literally twice deems me childish, so be it; i wont be a hypocrite. maybe someday ill grow up and have the courage to fight back, and not let people bully me into quieting down about what i believe in.
i guess im just bothered because, do i react to other people's occasionally offensive, questionable statements? i do not. i say to myself, "that's their opinion. ill keep mine to myself, because i know they'll be offended if i put in my two cents. and they deserve to say what they wish." however, i do not acquire the same respect unfortunately... all im asking for is agreement to disagree, and we can get on with our lives. someday, you'll understand my passion. someday, ill have the courage to defend it, whether it means losing friends or not.
someday, the world will see Love.

Love's passion fights, no matter the consequences.

Something That Went Through My Head Freshmen Year

This was something i wrote in my big eco-friendly journal freshmen year... i thought it was interesting.

3/11/10

there are a few kinds of people in the world. Some are mathematical, some are psychological, and some, are musical. One thing you can tell about truly passionate music people, is the way speak. can one be truly passinate about music and not have music in their voice? absolutely. However, there are some of those spiritually gifted people that God has chosen to give a speaking voice of music to. Maddison Sportsman and Joshua Eldridge are the first people i have ever noticed who have music actually in their speaking voices. I am replaying their voices in my head, and they truly speak GOD's creation of music. I thought, besides that, what sets them apart from my other musical friends? What are they doing that makes them so different? They know God. They truly want God's will for their lives. They want to take music, and show people that God had always intended it for good. They show the true beauty and wonder of God's creation of music. I imagine Josh and Maddie speak like Jesus does. We are made to run after the image of Christ Himself, yes? they are doing that! and, without their knowledge, He is making Himself known in their everyday voices! Jesus' voice, i picture, is the sweetest, purest, most harmonic sound in the existence of the world. For Maddie and Josh to be blessed with just a fraction of that is truly inspiring. Jesus' voice itself is something i look forward to hearing when i get to heaven... It gives me hope. I pray, in time, I will learn to sing praises as they do, but in my own way.


Love is musical.

Here's To You

Mystery
Arrogance
Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms
Through your defaulted face you wear with pride
Your stares ne'er stray to a side
But then your eye lingers, i catch you, and so
It begins

He has distracted me thus far
So when you ask me to dance
The anger does nothing but swell
I can't say no

We dance, dance, dance
In this minor trance we are deserted

Here's to screaming
Here's to yelling
Here's to falling so hard on my face
Here's to you
Disappearing without a trace

I don't understand
I never understood
You fought against your judgement?
The i love you's come quick
My disdainful side takes over
So i realize what ive lost
Your eyes, blue bullets, shot me deep

Ill miss your touch
But you wont
                  come
                        back.

To Escape

sometimes, the words, "to escape." or "run away." are the most comforting words ive ever heard. not only do they remind me of my former life, my rebellion, and how far ive come since then, but they give me hope for a new future. sometimes i get in these states and i dont know what to do. i want to lose myself in something. i frantically search to find that passion that i havent heard or seen in such a long time. sometimes i even consider the literal meaning of those words i stated before. but often, its right there in front of me. to dance, to sing, to act in front of other people, or even to physically run away from things has always been a form of my soul's escape. but escape is so often thought of as something that will get a reaction out of other people. its something new, something note worthy, something people will talk about and you will get attention for. but what if "to escape." or "run away." meant something else? something soley for the soul's refuge and purpose. what if those words mean doing something for yourself that gives you a hope. something that doesnt come with applause or admiration or uplifting words. i find that i use the words "To escape." or "run away." when im feeling empty...and singing, dancing, acting, and running from my problems can fill that void for a little while, but only for an alotted time. (of course, i know nothing but the Love from my Lord can really completely fill that void, but bear with me for a minute.)
the soul is something to be filled with things that are not of this world. they cannot be touched or seen; only felt and experienced. there is a strange release i get from writing something on paper that no eyes will ever see but mine. when i go into my room and close the door, and listen to my body speak to me, movements come over me that i wouldnt be able to produce in front of people. but because im giving my body, or, my soul, a chance to speak its mind freely, i find refuge in a completely new world. if i find myself laying in bed on a silent night, and the silence becomes so loud and overwhelming that it reminds me of how empty i feel, i can pick up my guitar and make music, following no guidlines, just the dialogue of my fingers in accordance with one another. ill even take music that someone else has written, and just feel my voice within me. doing what it was originally created to do. to make sound and fill the empty space in the world. i can take the gifts my Father has bestowed upon me, and use them to His glory, and His only. He's always watching me...and i think thats why i feel such a peace when im creating art on my own, by myself, and not for anyone else. God said that He'd free me if i follow Him. i believe this is one way He's taught me to escape. this is one way He's revealed to me to let go of the pain in this life, and run as far away as i can from it.

Love is finding a way of freedom for your soul, even in the darkest of places.