An Apology Long Awaited

Being a good friend is not easy. And hard to find. I wish I was a better friend so much of the time...because I have been blessed with some of the most reliable, forgiving, loyal friends in the world. I'm just so busy so much of the time... And I numb myself to the world and the love around me. It's selfish. I'd like to take this time to apologize to all of the people who have been so pursuant of me in these times...I'm sorry I haven't returned the favor. I pray that I will be able and brave enough to do so in the future. You all have given me one of the greatest gifts a grim could ask for: love. Real love. Unconditional, forgiving love.

Destination: Beautiful

Then there's the moment when you realize he will always be there. A part of you. And a part of him will always be yours. No matter who he says he loves. And you will be a part of him and love him, no matter who you say you love. Because he has a part of you you can't get back. No matter how hard you try.

You have no choice but to,

Let This Be Your Sun.

Stop This And Come Back To You. With Help From Missy

"Everyone's Waiting"

I know all the lines to say
The part I’m expected to play
But in the reflection I am worlds away

As I put my costume on
Eyelashes one by one
Been doing this so long I can tie the knot
Behind my back

And everyone’s waiting
But it’s getting harder to hear what my heart is saying
Cos everyone’s waiting

"Just swallow and breathe," she says,
"Remember this ain’t for you it’s for them
And all of those painful lessons you’ve had to learn
You gotta use them now or never"

Cos everyone’s waiting
But it’s getting harder to hear
What my heart keeps saying
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

When everyone’s waiting
It makes it harder to hear what my heart keeps saying
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

But everyone’s waiting
I hear that answers appear when you just stand still
But make it all, how do you make it all stop
When everyone’s waiting?
Everyone's waiting.

Sometimes Someone Else Can Say How You Feel Better Than You Can

"Ten Days"

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
Tried letting go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home,
You're still the only one I've gotta love. 

40 Years: A Victory

Family is why I come back to theatre every time, without fail. The Patt Holt Singers are a prime example of the amazing experience. This year, Patt Holt is celebrating 40years. The group began with a class of fifth graders taught by Patricia Holt. A group of nuns asked them to sing a couple songs for a recital, and, luckily, Patt knew a thing or two about music. When the fifth graders finally reached eight grade and were about to graduate to high school, they gathered in the living room of Patricia Holt and said they wanted to keep singing. Patricia said yes of course, but what will we call it? The Patt Holt Singers, they said with a grin. And so it began. It's the love of one woman, the love of singing and dancing, the love of family, that kept it going. The group got so big, they eventually had to split the group in three: Just Kids, Connection, and Singers. Since then, generations have been in and out of PHS, but one woman has been there through it all and watched them all grow and learn. Patt Holt. This woman is truly remarkable. We call her 'Fearless' because a family this big has to have a fearless leader! I'm so lucky to have been a part of this group. When my faith in theatre dwindled, PHS reminded me that there's always family, you just have to look for it, and be willing to see it. I had five costume changes at the reunion show last night. Five! I could have been stressed and angry and pulling my hair out right to left. But I didn't. Because my family was right there with me. Before a performance, for the old pros, the nerves may not be there. The excitement may not be there. In fact, many said, "I think I'm done after this. I can't do it anymore." but I know for a fact that hearts were changed. When the lights go up, we share the adrenaline, we renew the feelings we had from our first moment on the stage, and instantly, we know that's where we belong. I've learned so much from this family... They taught me to dance with my heart instead of my head. They taught me to feel the freedom of enjoying what I'm doing on the stage because I know that even if I mess up, there will be someone right behind me to back me up. They taught me that even through tears and trials, and difficult personalities, and trying times, there is a reason for everything. There's a reason you're going through this right now. But that reason may not show itself until you least expect it. I hope The Patt Holt Singers live on like it does in the hearts of so many... Their story alone is a triumph. I believe it will have many triumphs to come. It still has much to teach me, and I pray that I am open to learning. But for now, I just want to say that 10 years is a great thing, 20 years is impressive, 30 years is a success, and 40 years, a victory.

Love is made perfect in the heart that presses on.

My Dear Brielle

There's a girl in my life that I have come to love and admire in a deep way. God takes less than two minutes planning out a life that it would take a million years for a human to plan. He places each person in a family with a group of People for a specific reason. He thinks of every expereience one will have in their life, and places another person there at the same time to help them through that experience. This girl has been there through everything. Maybe not involved in every experience, but she had a strong presence in my life always. She's always been my role model for beauty and character. Shes easy to look up to and always dependable and loyal. She's going to be leaving my life soon... And I'll be assuming her role as leader of siblings in my family... I'm scared. She did it perfectly. Giving an equal amount of love to each person. Sure she's lost her head many a time... But she comes back and appOlogizes every time. She's just. The wOrld is a lucky place to be receiving her. I hope it accepts her lovingly, and deservingly. Because God knows she deserves so much more than it has to offer her. But life hasnt always been serious with she and i. We would leave the house when the clouds gathered there, and search for new suns that bring joy and light to our darkness. They gave us both an escape that we can only find when it's just the two of us. She's the one person in the world that has always known the original Anna. I can let go whenever I'm with her. She accepts my mistakes and delights in my triumphs. She's forgiving of every wrong that I've ever done, to her or not. I'm blessed. That's the only way I can describe it. Because luck isn't so kind as to give me the gift of my sister, Gabrielle. You've taught me much, whether you'll admIt it or not. Your hazel eyes and dark curls make me feel at home. Your arms welcome my tears as well as my joy. Whenever you're around, I'll always be home.

Love And Numbness And Voids

Forgive this post for being so childish... but i think i needed to see it written out.
There are a couple things i dont understand about losing love.

1) How come we are completely blinded to anything bad about the relationship instantly after it ends?
I went to an spring training at opera theatre st. louis about a week ago. one thing we had workshops on was something called the alexander technique. from my perception, it was a relaxtion method based on mindfulness. for all you non-therapist-speaking chicos out there, that's being aware of your surroundings to calm yourself down. I, having a particular problem with anxiety, was very interested in the alexander technique. the first steps were thinking about your neck and freeing it of all tension, so that someone could come up to you and move your head from side to side with no resistance. after thinking of that, one would focus on their shoulders, thinking of them as separating from the body, and becoming long and free. Then, finally, thinking of one's feet to be as big duck feet, securely but gently attached to the floor. The catch, however, is to be completely concious of your surroundings and where you are whilst thinking these things. In other words, dont zone out, and be in the moment. When one is on stage, they can be concious and there, but they can forget everything that happened once they step back to the wings. I didnt know other people experienced this! that i was the only one! but, low and behold, many people experience it. I've literally gone onstage for monologues and got done and had to ask people what happened, because i hadno memory of it. its a symptom of anxiety. the alexander technique is to help with that. it helps one to realize where they are and what they are doing. however, some actors play for that reason specifically. to forget where and who they are for a split second in time.... but that theory is for another day. anyways, ive said all this because sometimes, when one is in a relationship, they are present and "in the moment", but once its over, they dont remember key things about the relationship and end up being confused as to why they left in the first place. I'm notsure whether that's a symptom of anxiety, or just a symptom of relationship dynamics in general. I suppose, if the relationship was bad enough, one would only remember the bad parts instead of all the good. I, for one, only remember the good, and never the bad...sometimes to the point where i regret the break up in the first place. I know i had a perfectly logical reason, but it didnt seem logical afterwards. I think we can go into this numb spot... this place where we dont really feel anything anymore. eventually, feeling makes its way back, but it takes a bit. i suppose, my point is, i dont understand why. but, my words of wisdom to my self and all of you, is live. be there. take a really good look at everything around you, and think about how grateful you are that youre there. sure, your relationship may be hard, and rough, and hurting. but before you write it off, and forget everything, good or bad, admire it. you dont know what you'll get to keep and what you lose once you've lost it.

Love deserves to be admired.

2) Why is it that we dont want anything to do with love after a break up, but a few weeks later we're feeling lonely all over again? The point doesnt make sense to me at all. maybe it's that im young. maybe its that im not mature enough to feel certain things. but, all i know is that ive felt the, "i want to be free" feeling so many times before, but when the chance comes for me to choose freedom over captivity of a relationship, its uncontrollable for me to deny captivity. Why do we as humans enjoy that that hurts us? its such a trait of man kind, im noticing. so many beloved lyricists write their best when they are hurt. teenagers with broken hearts like to stay broken until someone else fixes them. alcoholics wait for that one drink to cure them of their hurt. middle aged women date and date and marry and marry to fix their loneliness. why do we always wait for something that's fleeting to make a permanent healing? i admit, that im coming to the realization that i like being sad sometimes. i enjoy quiet, pensive thoughts. and sometimes its good (see Sadness Should Be Perscription Medecine). and then, i dont want to be healed. but when i do, i go looking in the wrong places. there's only one Healer, that can heal in a lasting way, for our every need. I believe we were wired to need a Healer, and that's why we go looking for escapes. we were designed so that we would need someone or something to fulfill us. an empty void. the fact of the matter is, only one Someone can fill it completely. God has that power. He created that void in us for that specific reason. We try and fill that void with sadness, we try and fill it with the passion for freedom. but, honestly, the only way that will last is when we fill it with Him.

So, i guess i answered at least one of my own questions in this post.

Love is permanently filling of the void we all try so hard to fill our entire lives.