Something That Went Through My Head Freshmen Year

This was something i wrote in my big eco-friendly journal freshmen year... i thought it was interesting.

3/11/10

there are a few kinds of people in the world. Some are mathematical, some are psychological, and some, are musical. One thing you can tell about truly passionate music people, is the way speak. can one be truly passinate about music and not have music in their voice? absolutely. However, there are some of those spiritually gifted people that God has chosen to give a speaking voice of music to. Maddison Sportsman and Joshua Eldridge are the first people i have ever noticed who have music actually in their speaking voices. I am replaying their voices in my head, and they truly speak GOD's creation of music. I thought, besides that, what sets them apart from my other musical friends? What are they doing that makes them so different? They know God. They truly want God's will for their lives. They want to take music, and show people that God had always intended it for good. They show the true beauty and wonder of God's creation of music. I imagine Josh and Maddie speak like Jesus does. We are made to run after the image of Christ Himself, yes? they are doing that! and, without their knowledge, He is making Himself known in their everyday voices! Jesus' voice, i picture, is the sweetest, purest, most harmonic sound in the existence of the world. For Maddie and Josh to be blessed with just a fraction of that is truly inspiring. Jesus' voice itself is something i look forward to hearing when i get to heaven... It gives me hope. I pray, in time, I will learn to sing praises as they do, but in my own way.


Love is musical.

Here's To You

Mystery
Arrogance
Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms
Through your defaulted face you wear with pride
Your stares ne'er stray to a side
But then your eye lingers, i catch you, and so
It begins

He has distracted me thus far
So when you ask me to dance
The anger does nothing but swell
I can't say no

We dance, dance, dance
In this minor trance we are deserted

Here's to screaming
Here's to yelling
Here's to falling so hard on my face
Here's to you
Disappearing without a trace

I don't understand
I never understood
You fought against your judgement?
The i love you's come quick
My disdainful side takes over
So i realize what ive lost
Your eyes, blue bullets, shot me deep

Ill miss your touch
But you wont
                  come
                        back.

To Escape

sometimes, the words, "to escape." or "run away." are the most comforting words ive ever heard. not only do they remind me of my former life, my rebellion, and how far ive come since then, but they give me hope for a new future. sometimes i get in these states and i dont know what to do. i want to lose myself in something. i frantically search to find that passion that i havent heard or seen in such a long time. sometimes i even consider the literal meaning of those words i stated before. but often, its right there in front of me. to dance, to sing, to act in front of other people, or even to physically run away from things has always been a form of my soul's escape. but escape is so often thought of as something that will get a reaction out of other people. its something new, something note worthy, something people will talk about and you will get attention for. but what if "to escape." or "run away." meant something else? something soley for the soul's refuge and purpose. what if those words mean doing something for yourself that gives you a hope. something that doesnt come with applause or admiration or uplifting words. i find that i use the words "To escape." or "run away." when im feeling empty...and singing, dancing, acting, and running from my problems can fill that void for a little while, but only for an alotted time. (of course, i know nothing but the Love from my Lord can really completely fill that void, but bear with me for a minute.)
the soul is something to be filled with things that are not of this world. they cannot be touched or seen; only felt and experienced. there is a strange release i get from writing something on paper that no eyes will ever see but mine. when i go into my room and close the door, and listen to my body speak to me, movements come over me that i wouldnt be able to produce in front of people. but because im giving my body, or, my soul, a chance to speak its mind freely, i find refuge in a completely new world. if i find myself laying in bed on a silent night, and the silence becomes so loud and overwhelming that it reminds me of how empty i feel, i can pick up my guitar and make music, following no guidlines, just the dialogue of my fingers in accordance with one another. ill even take music that someone else has written, and just feel my voice within me. doing what it was originally created to do. to make sound and fill the empty space in the world. i can take the gifts my Father has bestowed upon me, and use them to His glory, and His only. He's always watching me...and i think thats why i feel such a peace when im creating art on my own, by myself, and not for anyone else. God said that He'd free me if i follow Him. i believe this is one way He's taught me to escape. this is one way He's revealed to me to let go of the pain in this life, and run as far away as i can from it.

Love is finding a way of freedom for your soul, even in the darkest of places.

WARNING: CONTENTS ARE OF MY VENTING .ONLY MY VENTING

WARNING: Contents of this blog post are squarely my venting. Contents will be selfish and absurd. i dont  mean them to be, and i know i need to change how im feeling, but i needed to vent in some way.

i guess nobody really knows what's going on underneath. and you cant expect them to. but when you tell them how hard it actually is, you'd think they might pay some kind of attention to it. i think i expect way too much out of people sometimes. i dont think they understand i need to do one thing at a time. and sometimes... i feel like they dont even care about me at all. they just want to know what their agenda is with me, and what our issue is at the time. i feel like i cant talk to them about anything anymore without hurting them because i dont have the mind capacity to deal with my relationship with them right now. and this is largely, if not wholly, because im so confused and messed up with the things going on in my life. if i want to solve the problem they talk to me about all the time, i have to get to the root of it. i probably wouldnt even have a problem in our relationship if i was square in my life. but im not. i have a pyramid of problems piling up on me, and if i only deal with the top problems, the bottom ones still exist and the top ones will keep coming back. i need to clear my mind, and see how i can fix these big problems at the bottom of my pyramid. but i hope my best friends come back to me. because i fear ive lost them. things arent the same anymore...maybe thats the whole problem with this. i dont think i want that change.

God Has Given Me

God has given me a voice. i must sing to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a poise to dance. i must dance to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a talent to interpret others' experiences as an art. i must act to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a learning ability to do well in school. i must perform well in school to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a family. i must love them as they love me to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me love. i must return that love to Him.

An Opening Night Brings Much Philosophy

The drama is not dead but liveth, and contains the germs of better things.

WILLIAM ARCHER, About the Theatre

The theatre is a magical place. im realizing more and more that, yes, the rehearsals are the bonding experiences, but, when the lights go up and seats are filled, it seems as though some kind of "magic" truly does happen. The rehearsal acting is never really what the finishing product will be. Something always gets added or amped up. but by a significant amount! other thespians have tried to figure out what exactly happens during this time. Some say its the energy of the audience bouncing back to the stage, some say its the nerves, some say its the thrill of just being onstage, and wanting to give people the best show you can. nobody really knows what happens. but here is my philosophy:

God sat and thought of how He would create the world, then He breathed life into it. Art is just another example of how we were made in His image. He put in us a desire to create. So for thespians, we may not be talented in the ways of actually creating something tangible, but we create something in the people watching us. We mold a story by our performance. So, when we rehearse, its the "planning " period. But then, when its time to create, when the curtain goes up, we breathe life into what we previously planned. Not only does the thrill of the stage reveal the creation, but it reveals to us things about ourselves that we couldnt see before. when we're forming our character, we might discover a similarity between ourselves and our character, and would bring further realization about ourselves. it might give us an example of a relationship we could see working, or just bring people closer together in general.


"I dont know, they're just... a different kinda people."

People say this about thespians. i call them theatre people, but the previous term is legitimate i suppose. Anyways, i just wanted to take a moment to recognize them. Last night we had our opening night of Arsenic and Old Lace. I had some trouble with this cast at first... i wasn't getting along with the leads, and there was tension between my opposite and i. i didn't think we would ever come together and be a family (one of the sole reasons i love theatre so much). but as the weeks progressed, we grew closer. problems started clearing themselves up, laughs were made, as was love. By opening night, we were truly a family. but we didn't realize it until the lights came up. i fell in love. the claps and laughs from the crowd...the laughs backstage... the jokes, the jumps, the slight looks of nervous excitement between people... everything was perfect. tonight is our second night, and we're coming back with a bang. each person "brings something to the show" in their own individual way. (as my thespian president stated). God puts people together like this for a specific reason. whether i know it or not, these people are changing me, and will have a long lasting effect on my life.

Love is family

Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra, OH MY!

(playist: track 7)

ive been getting into jazz/swing music lately. its the romance i like. Jazzy fourties songs like, "ill be seeing you" and "the way you look tonight" just make me think a little bit, and dream even more. they layer and layer their lyrics with sweet lines to their lovers. why dont people do that today? i have no idea. i feel like most music now just talks about sex and womens' bodies. its degrading really...so i suppose i find alot of comfort in Billie Holiday's "ill be seeing you" because its not focused on one thing. the possibilites are endless, because of the different ways she says the things she wants to say. another thing i like about this music is that these people have so much to say. they have so much to tell their lovers, to tell the world, and all they do is delight in it. its never nasty, its never inappropriately visual, its just poetic genius. these songs give me something to think about. they give me hope that the things they talk about really exist. people really do love eachother to the end of their days, and the end of the earth. i think about some of the people in my life, and wish they'd love me like that. im actually one of those weird people who tags songs to people in my life... some of the songs ive tagged to people recently are driving me crazy. but they put me in this daze thats addicting. i just get dizzy, walking around school with my headphones in, thinking, dreaming, getting lost in the sax and piano solos... the smooth vocals sing me to sleep when my insomnia gets the best of me. if pure romance could be poured into music, this is where you'll find it.

Love is jazzy, and snazzy, and everything in between.