Time

"its time" i said to myself on the eleven hour drive down to Jekyll Island. Id been looking forward to this for weeks. I needed a break, a relief, a re-centering period. Freshmen year has brought me back and forth and over and under and made me do things i regret. Of course, its very very hard for me to ever regret anything...because i know its a part of God's will. Trials we go through will always teach us, and make us the peoeple we are today. Ive done some pretty stupid things, gotten myself into some complicated situations, but also, had the experience of a lifetime. On the upper side, this year has set some good friendship foundations, some good teacher-student foundations, and some good goals. However, on the downside, ive experienced much pain...but, how are we shaped if we arent bent and broken?
I told myself its time. Time for many things. time to sit back and evauate all this. to see where ive been bent, to see where ive been broken. to see what God has taught me and things i need to work on in the future. Its time to change. Time to start making a difference. Making known the fine lines that i have since made blurry.
I want to right the things ive done wrong, to confirm the feelings ive made misshapen.
Where does this all start?
          I must start living again for God.
I have to start living for God's purpose in me.
         One thing ive got to overcome is leaning on others for my mood, happiness, and satisfaction. I constantly base myself on others. I base myself on their thoughts, weigh myself down with their problems, and force myself to take on responsibility for their emotions. I try to make everyone happy, in a way that i can assure my happiness. Thats never God's plan.
By living for him, i can be made happy with His everlasting joy. I can make others happy by sharing that with them . I can live for others best interest by following God's path for me. I can pursue what God wants me to pursue, pursue Love in its simplest form.
       Another thing i must overcome is my sinful self. Now, that job, is never done unfortunately. I am a sinnner. the only One who can overcome this is Jesus Christ my Savior. But, i can be aware of my sin. I must stop all this self pity, all this negativity that flows from me. There are a few factors, if not many factors, about myself that are destructive to myself, and very much so to those around me. alot of me likes to linger in the darkness...why i want to do that? i have no idea. Now, when i say "darkness" i mean my sadness, and sin. I think many, if not most, people like to sit in their sin. we love it too much. but i have to learn to tell myself that sitting in sin is still sitting. eventually, youre going to hate sitting in that same spot. and by then you're in deeper than it is easy to get out of. No one is beyond help, however. Jesus will always be there to bring light to your darkness. No matter how dark it is in the place youre in. our goal as Christians is to bask in the light. To learn to love the light, more than we love our darkness. for light, has an everlasting satisfaction that darkness can never compare to.
       Ive decided to try and stop with boys for a while. that doesnt mean i wont write about them! because, dont worry, they'll always be there. but, i need to learn to depend on God first and formost, before i can depend on a boy. Another reason, is because i want to live! i want to follow my dreams, have fun, giggle, laugh, with no restraints! To be faithful to a boy is a wonderful, amazing, and honorable thing! and i WANT that. but i dont want to break hearts because i dont know what i want when im committing to be faithful. i would never cheat. ever. but, i might get involved with one person, then end up liking another, having to switch, and break a heart. i dont want that. i want to figure out what i want before i get it.  I need to find out more about my personality, myself, so that i actually know what im giving my boyfriend. i dont date around. i commit to relationships. which means i will give a part of me to people if i get close enough to them... i need to know what im giving, who im giving to, and if that person is good to give it to. To know all these things, i must know myself, and know what i want. yes mother, im finally being smart. ;)

This transition into highschool has made me stronger. i want to take on big things. i want God to teach me of Himself and His ways. I want to change the world as He has changed me. I want to be a way that people would ask me, "Why are you the way you are? Why do you do the things you do?" and i want to be able to answer them...and tell them of the wonders of my Lord and Savior.

I yearn for learning. i want for change. i thirst for passion.

i wait for time.

Sometimes Things People Say Are Just Too Important To Let Go Unheard.

"From the start, i thought it was an unwise idea. You knew eachother, but from a third party's view, you really didnt. I adore you and you know that, but that wasnt your shining moment, so therefore it isnt your defining one. He is way too complex to figure out ever. Ive been his friend for a while and im still not wholly in tune with him. If you want what i think, then just stay away from boys. All you need to do right now is find yourself, dont do things things until you know who you are and what you want. You're a freshmen, and as much as i hate to say it, one of the more gifted in multiple ways. Dont throw that away for a boy, none of us are worth it. You've made the mistake that almost every girl makes, the older boy mistake. Dont stick to it, and dont let it make you. Learn from it, and move on. The one girlfriend ive ever had was starting around this time freshmen year. It was really only after we went our separate ways that i learned who i was, and its done wonders. For self esteem, for stress level, and for general mood and happiness. Dont be attached to others for how you should feel. If someone close to you wakes up and is having a bad day, fine, thats different but doesn make you need to have a bad day too. All that matters right now is you. The more boys you have, the less independent you become, and ive seen it happen. its stupid. Define yourself to the world by what you have, not who you have."

--N.B.

Shadows Never Last...

Once upon a time
I was always by your side
While others bleed and die
We kept our love alive
A figure is so perfect until
You look at the shadow after its gone away
After seeing every side, every view
Its still pinned inside of you

To be in love with a shadow
The blurry reflection of what was
Doesnt feel the same
So much pain; you see the mistakes
Somehow you manage this
Love for what was
Flying, Falling, I hear him calling

The shadow speaks again
Can i help but tune in?
Shall i speak at this?
Or shall i hear more?
It follows my every step
How do i know if its content?
As the sun moves, so shall it move
If i lose my grip on what is solid
The shadow will fade
Then the sun...

Captures it.

With Great Change Comes Great Responsibility

So, i changed. I agree with my last post. However, change has never called for much action on my part in the past. After a couple breakdowns, and long hours laying in bed thinking, ive realized i have to take some action.

Some of the change ive gone through this year isnt good. When people say, "Highschool changes you." They arent exaggerating. Going from a private school with a graduating class of 10 girls total, to a school with over a thousand people, you slowly morph into the mix. Your morals are bent, and you dont realize they are until you step back and look at everything. This is the spot im in.

The people i have met this year have changed me. More, the experiences ive had with them. Ive come to the conclusion that trust is misplaced around every corner in the real world. Occasionally, however, you find people like Jessica Tarin, David Robinson, and Alex Moore, who know the real meaning of friendship, trust, and loyalty. But, in the opposing view, your trust needs to be carefully guarded. You need not chase he relationship cloud. Let it come to you. at the beginning of this year i made the mistake of lusting after a relationship. I dug myself in deep. I jumped at the thought that someone was interested in me, therefore, i didnt think about what i was doing. I got involved too fast, and didnt think. the domino effect brought me here. having to completely recenter, find myself, remember the purpose God has for me. Unfortunately, its easier said than done.
Im a mess i guess.
Clinging to the remnants of perfection like most do after they break it.
Its what Ive asked for its what Ive needed.
I know that there were better days,
but to see the light and to feel the rays.
Life was always back and forth
...and we were idling or making useless progress.
Waiting for the rain to stop.
Destination: beautiful.
Someday will come back to us, if you're willing, let it go.
But some say we're headed for destruction

I have to get my world put together. Its funny, when i have alot on my mind, i clean. My room has been spotless for the past three months... i think its time to let go.