Quaint Coincidence: To Inspire - A Verb Meaning 'To Breath in Air'

I went back to my blog just a minute ago, to read the last post I wrote about. It seems I have taken a few months away from my guilty pleasure. But the funny thing is, what I will write about today takes a similar tone (possibly less poetic) than the aforementioned post.

As many know, this semester I took on 19 credit hours, a 20 hour workweek, and was a part of the Union Avenue Crescendo program. Needless to say, this semester has been mind numbing--almost to a fault. I was living life so quickly, I barely had time to breathe. But that is not the point.
The point is, when Spring Break rolled around, what was the first thing I thought about to do? Get my voice papers, music history paper, piano practice, or education standards papers written? Yeah, that would be the smart thing to do, huh...No. My first thought was, "Yes! I get to go to Meshuggah EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK and WRITE and READ all of the things I've been wanting to express/learn about all semester!" Through these days, I realized that my heart had so much to say--my mind was chomping at the bit for something to learn--my spirit was longing for the adventure that only comes when my soul has time to search.
I began by reading my "Philosophies of Art and Beauty" compilation, but then I pulled out a new book called, "An Altar in the World" suggested to me by the kindest of souls, Mark L. It is a Christian book about many things such as, how does one find the time to spend with God in a world that moves so quickly--how do we focus on Him when the work we do for His kingdom requires so much of our energy--how do we grow a more intimate relationship with a Lord that seems so far away--how do we come to peace with who we are in Christ and not expect anything more of ourselves, and many more topics. However, the concept that stuck out to me, and has continuously been on my heart for the past few weeks, is that living in my skin, in the life God has for me is just as important as working towards the person that the Lord needs me to be to carry out His will. AKA, taking time to enjoy who I am, where I am, what I am, right now, instead of constantly setting my mind on who/where/what I will be once I finish all of my training and am out in the real world fulfilling God's plan for my life.

I realize that right around the end of middle school/beginning of high school I developed an affinity for sentimentality: long walks in the woods, old movies, 20th century period pieces, an extremely individualistic fashion taste, impressionistic art, dancing, writing, reading, playing piano when I don't know how, drinking tea out of cups and saucers, spending long hours in libraries and book stores listening to piano sonatas, wearing sunny dresses, big hats, carrying around a flower bouquet to accessorize, etc. I began to think about life scene by scene--moment by moment--designing my days like a picture on the wall--practicing living in my own skin. These traits and habits are directly contradictory to the way that I was living my life, and so when they made themselves known, I realized that these are what make up my inner spirit--these sentimental qualities. I spent much of my spare time paying attention to the things I took for granted when my life was more peaceful. My spirit hid from my conscious a deep longing for a simpler, more sentimental lifestyle than that which I led.

These are the things that help me to practice the person I am and be satisfied with her, right now. I am the biggest-ever culprit of speeding through life--always looking for the next step, trying to get ahead so that I can do "What God wants me to." But the closer I have gotten to the Lord's heart, the more He has revealed to me that this is flawed thinking. And, not only this, but it is this thinking that leads to unnecessary stress, apprehension, anxiety, false expectations, self doubt, and a myriad of other problems. As my healing has continued since this summer, this is a place the Lord is helping me to take peace. So often I try to control every aspect of my life--as if the Lord needs my help to carry out His will and if I don't succeed in helping Him, then I have failed Him. And that in itself was a thought that made me rethink how I was living my life.

Over spring break I made the decision that I am going to consider taking an extra semester at Missouri Baptist, putting me at a 5 year undergraduate degree instead of 4 and a half. This decision, hopefully, will allow me to take fewer credit hours, keep working, but also leave me time to really enjoy my education--enjoy the music I'm learning--enjoy the concepts and theories and skills I will be using for the rest of my life. This is why college is exciting. It is a whole four years where I get to learn and create and find out about where my place is in the world. But, if I don't take time to let my inner self breathe through the process, all that will come from my experience is a couple of checked boxes and a piece of paper that says I know a thing or two about music.

There is a freedom in appreciating that who you are--right now--in the middle of your growth, education, and self discovery, is enough. Not only are you enough, but you are completely unique, stylized, and set apart in the eyes of God. My voice--in the world's eyes--is incomplete, unfinished, still needing work, etc. In God's eyes, my voice is the sweetest sound He has ever heard. It is in exactly the place it needs to be to do His will for this phase in my life. My mind, my degree of knowledge, my knowledge of life, my work, my accomplishments--they are enough for God. I know this concept seems simple and should be common sense, but for me it was one of those things that I knew but didn't really consider until I got to a place in my academic career that I felt like I was in limbo and therefore useless to Him. But quickly He said, "No, Kristianna. No. This is you. I created this, and it is good." Wow.

And so today, I went to Meshuggah and I had a ton of work to do. I opened up my computer, and realized it was not charged...I would have to wait a couple of minutes for it to be charged enough for me to use it. Then this thought entered my head: Well, now what? I suppose I could read, or write something...but then I wouldn't get work done because  I would just want to keep reading and writing things that had nothing to do with school..wait. How bad could it be?
And that was the end of that. I got absolutely no where in my academic pursuit, but my spirit felt filled and seen. I spent three hours writing in my journal and reading different nonfiction pieces. I left Meshuggah eventually, and before I went home to spend time with my family, I bought a new bouquet of flowers to add to our dining room table.

Sometimes we have to take a look at life and say, "Yes, I have all of these things to do. Yes, I should probably get them done now instead of waiting until tomorrow when I'm going to have a ton of other work to do. But what I need right now is to recognize the sweet call of my heart to do some emptying and existing." The reality is that I cannot be filled with anything the Lord has for me in my education or my life if I don't take the time to appreciate what He has already placed there. If I don't recognize it and sit with it for a while, it won't become a part of me. That's one of the dangers of living life quickly--one cannot be present. One cannot appreciate or learn, much less listen. The busier life gets, the louder it gets. We cannot let life become white noise--going in one ear and out the other. The truth is, the Lord speaks to us through moments, thoughts, experiences, sunsets, flowers, words, looks, and other sweet whispers of life He creates. Barbara Brown's book, "An Altar in the World" speaks of just this: God did not intend to reside in a building filled with people worshiping Him on Sundays. God is so much more present than that--and praise Him all the more for it! I am so glad I serve a God that speaks in and through the world He created. He is the Inspiration--the Breath--of life. Therefore, everything that has breath speaks of Him and is at His disposal to be used as a mode of communication to His children. Furthermore, if I am only concentrated on getting through the weekend to finish all the work I neglected during the week, there is no time to breath, much less be breathed through.

So to you, dear one, who is reading this and neglecting your work because you would rather read the insights of a simple, suburban sparrow instead of the endless drone set forth by the modern world in which your life is prevailed upon to reside: I invite you to amuse me by closing your computer, iPad, or cellular internet browser, to walk outside into the sun or the rain. Now listen with your ears. Why do yours hear what they hear? Listen with your eyes. Listen with your mind. Listen with your nose, skin, eyelashes, toes, lips--what do they hear and why do they hear it? The Lord will speak, and when He does we must be faithful in listening. But sometimes listening requires us to stop, keep silent, lay ourselves down and trust that the Lord will take care of our world for a few minutes in order for us to hear what He needs to say.

He will paint pictures, set melodies to ride on the wind, create moments, take us by the hand and dance us through days of adventure and joy, trials and pain, silence and sound--but such art is for those that sacrifice time to see it, hear it, feel it, and seek it. God gave all such ability, so why do we keep ourselves from it?

Love is always speaking, and those that listen will feel the fullness of Its gifts.

Love is faithful,
Love is present,




Love is waiting.