A year and two months ago, I received a call from my friend and previous mentor Paul. He asked if I would come on as an intern at his performing arts company. At that point I was not in a place to accept the position because I had a "better gig" in Springfield. As the summer went on I experienced a number of trials that almost lost me my life. At the end of the summer I decided to move back home to St. Louis and attend Missouri Baptist. As soon as Paul heard, I assume, he shot me a text asking if I would stage manage their fall production of Annie Warbucks. I had completely forgot about our conversation a few months prior, but was flattered at his contacting me again. However, at that point I was happy to be home, and would give anything for a job. The funny thing was that at that point I had tried, once again, to let go of the theatre and move on with my life. Something about that did not sit right with the Big Guy, apparently. I accepted the job as stage manager, but had little knowledge that the gift I was accepting would prove to be far more than highlighters and sound cues.
When I first arrived at GCPA in September, I did my best to stay out of the way and soak up the environment. It was quite nostalgic--here I am watching children in the exact same place I was thirteen years ago, having the same realizations and blissful experiences that come with one's first few years in the theatre. Once the nostalgia wore off and the work set in, I poured myself into it. I loved being a part of the directing team and feeling like I could be needed somewhere. As I got to know the team (Paul, Lori, Stephanie, and Ashleigh) and the cast (which happened to be 15 or so of the sweetest young ladies I have ever met) I realized very quickly that this could be a place I could call home. I was reminded of the selflessness that goes into theatre--that which I had forgotten. I was reminded of how many willing spirits and positive attitudes it takes to make a show come together. I remembered the nervous excitement that comes into young hearts when they get ready to put on a production they have worked for months to prepare. I remembered how good it feels to have such hard and passionate work pay off. It wasn't long before I was hooked.
Gateway Center for Performing Arts is proof that it is possible for America change its seemingly infinite faults. It is proof that it is possible for people from many different economic, political, ethnic, and cultural backgrounds to work as a team to bringing stories to the world--stories that contribute more than just flashy lights and sparkly clothes to society. GCPA proves that children--yes children--are willing and capable of grasping complex emotional and physical concepts in order to tell those stories. It proves that theatre is a beautifully necessary part of society, and one that can help heal our world.
Passion is at the heart of GCPA. I encourage you to ask any one of the team members or teaching artists about their lives. I guarantee that what you will hear are stories of each of their families, maybe a bit about their full time job, but then you will hear about all they do for GCPA and why. You will see how much they do and how committed they are to what they want to accomplish through their company. You will hear about how much they love the kids that participate in their shows and how much they believe in them. You will experience some of the most insightful, driven, selfless, compassionate, patient, strong-willed, professional, and inspiring people you will ever meet.
Gateway Center for Performing Arts is committed to cultivating artists that are individual, honest, professional, and skilled performers. The reason they keep their classes and shows limited to high school students and under is because they believe children should be given the same opportunities and training that so many adults and college students get from academies, colleges, and local theatre companies. They intentionally involve students elementary and up so that, from a young age, students can learn what exquisite, truthful storytelling is and why we do it. One of the most unique traits of GCPA is how they treat their child actors: They hold them to a performance and behavioral standard of adult performers as much as possible so that they understand what will be expected of them in professional theatre. The directors and teaching artists help their actors to understand intricate story lines, realistic goals, truths (harsh as well as gentle and beautiful), high stakes, timeless values that will set them apart as individuals, and so much more. They set the bar high because they know their actors are capable of it--regardless of age. What better place for a child to grow? Its an environment that is safe and filled with grace, but doesn't treat children as if they are limited by their size, shape, age, or maturity. When children see their authority figures--people they admire and respect--put so much faith and trust in them to put on such high quality productions, they begin to feel a way about themselves that very few children do: like they are valued and important, regardless of what stage they're in. In this mind, children can continue to feel limitless and unrestrained in their creativity. Furthermore, they have a desire to pursue the possibilities.
GCPA has quickly become one of my heart's dearest passions. My desire to be a part of its history and do anything I can to help it succeed is great--greater than what I've felt towards any ministry in a long time. As far as I know, my dreams have come true.
Love is family.
Love is finding your heart in the home it was always looking for.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Quaint Coincidence: To Inspire - A Verb Meaning 'To Breath in Air'
I went back to my blog just a minute ago, to read the last post I wrote about. It seems I have taken a few months away from my guilty pleasure. But the funny thing is, what I will write about today takes a similar tone (possibly less poetic) than the aforementioned post.
As many know, this semester I took on 19 credit hours, a 20 hour workweek, and was a part of the Union Avenue Crescendo program. Needless to say, this semester has been mind numbing--almost to a fault. I was living life so quickly, I barely had time to breathe. But that is not the point.
The point is, when Spring Break rolled around, what was the first thing I thought about to do? Get my voice papers, music history paper, piano practice, or education standards papers written? Yeah, that would be the smart thing to do, huh...No. My first thought was, "Yes! I get to go to Meshuggah EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK and WRITE and READ all of the things I've been wanting to express/learn about all semester!" Through these days, I realized that my heart had so much to say--my mind was chomping at the bit for something to learn--my spirit was longing for the adventure that only comes when my soul has time to search.
I began by reading my "Philosophies of Art and Beauty" compilation, but then I pulled out a new book called, "An Altar in the World" suggested to me by the kindest of souls, Mark L. It is a Christian book about many things such as, how does one find the time to spend with God in a world that moves so quickly--how do we focus on Him when the work we do for His kingdom requires so much of our energy--how do we grow a more intimate relationship with a Lord that seems so far away--how do we come to peace with who we are in Christ and not expect anything more of ourselves, and many more topics. However, the concept that stuck out to me, and has continuously been on my heart for the past few weeks, is that living in my skin, in the life God has for me is just as important as working towards the person that the Lord needs me to be to carry out His will. AKA, taking time to enjoy who I am, where I am, what I am, right now, instead of constantly setting my mind on who/where/what I will be once I finish all of my training and am out in the real world fulfilling God's plan for my life.
I realize that right around the end of middle school/beginning of high school I developed an affinity for sentimentality: long walks in the woods, old movies, 20th century period pieces, an extremely individualistic fashion taste, impressionistic art, dancing, writing, reading, playing piano when I don't know how, drinking tea out of cups and saucers, spending long hours in libraries and book stores listening to piano sonatas, wearing sunny dresses, big hats, carrying around a flower bouquet to accessorize, etc. I began to think about life scene by scene--moment by moment--designing my days like a picture on the wall--practicing living in my own skin. These traits and habits are directly contradictory to the way that I was living my life, and so when they made themselves known, I realized that these are what make up my inner spirit--these sentimental qualities. I spent much of my spare time paying attention to the things I took for granted when my life was more peaceful. My spirit hid from my conscious a deep longing for a simpler, more sentimental lifestyle than that which I led.
These are the things that help me to practice the person I am and be satisfied with her, right now. I am the biggest-ever culprit of speeding through life--always looking for the next step, trying to get ahead so that I can do "What God wants me to." But the closer I have gotten to the Lord's heart, the more He has revealed to me that this is flawed thinking. And, not only this, but it is this thinking that leads to unnecessary stress, apprehension, anxiety, false expectations, self doubt, and a myriad of other problems. As my healing has continued since this summer, this is a place the Lord is helping me to take peace. So often I try to control every aspect of my life--as if the Lord needs my help to carry out His will and if I don't succeed in helping Him, then I have failed Him. And that in itself was a thought that made me rethink how I was living my life.
Over spring break I made the decision that I am going to consider taking an extra semester at Missouri Baptist, putting me at a 5 year undergraduate degree instead of 4 and a half. This decision, hopefully, will allow me to take fewer credit hours, keep working, but also leave me time to really enjoy my education--enjoy the music I'm learning--enjoy the concepts and theories and skills I will be using for the rest of my life. This is why college is exciting. It is a whole four years where I get to learn and create and find out about where my place is in the world. But, if I don't take time to let my inner self breathe through the process, all that will come from my experience is a couple of checked boxes and a piece of paper that says I know a thing or two about music.
There is a freedom in appreciating that who you are--right now--in the middle of your growth, education, and self discovery, is enough. Not only are you enough, but you are completely unique, stylized, and set apart in the eyes of God. My voice--in the world's eyes--is incomplete, unfinished, still needing work, etc. In God's eyes, my voice is the sweetest sound He has ever heard. It is in exactly the place it needs to be to do His will for this phase in my life. My mind, my degree of knowledge, my knowledge of life, my work, my accomplishments--they are enough for God. I know this concept seems simple and should be common sense, but for me it was one of those things that I knew but didn't really consider until I got to a place in my academic career that I felt like I was in limbo and therefore useless to Him. But quickly He said, "No, Kristianna. No. This is you. I created this, and it is good." Wow.
And so today, I went to Meshuggah and I had a ton of work to do. I opened up my computer, and realized it was not charged...I would have to wait a couple of minutes for it to be charged enough for me to use it. Then this thought entered my head: Well, now what? I suppose I could read, or write something...but then I wouldn't get work done because I would just want to keep reading and writing things that had nothing to do with school..wait. How bad could it be?
And that was the end of that. I got absolutely no where in my academic pursuit, but my spirit felt filled and seen. I spent three hours writing in my journal and reading different nonfiction pieces. I left Meshuggah eventually, and before I went home to spend time with my family, I bought a new bouquet of flowers to add to our dining room table.
Sometimes we have to take a look at life and say, "Yes, I have all of these things to do. Yes, I should probably get them done now instead of waiting until tomorrow when I'm going to have a ton of other work to do. But what I need right now is to recognize the sweet call of my heart to do some emptying and existing." The reality is that I cannot be filled with anything the Lord has for me in my education or my life if I don't take the time to appreciate what He has already placed there. If I don't recognize it and sit with it for a while, it won't become a part of me. That's one of the dangers of living life quickly--one cannot be present. One cannot appreciate or learn, much less listen. The busier life gets, the louder it gets. We cannot let life become white noise--going in one ear and out the other. The truth is, the Lord speaks to us through moments, thoughts, experiences, sunsets, flowers, words, looks, and other sweet whispers of life He creates. Barbara Brown's book, "An Altar in the World" speaks of just this: God did not intend to reside in a building filled with people worshiping Him on Sundays. God is so much more present than that--and praise Him all the more for it! I am so glad I serve a God that speaks in and through the world He created. He is the Inspiration--the Breath--of life. Therefore, everything that has breath speaks of Him and is at His disposal to be used as a mode of communication to His children. Furthermore, if I am only concentrated on getting through the weekend to finish all the work I neglected during the week, there is no time to breath, much less be breathed through.
So to you, dear one, who is reading this and neglecting your work because you would rather read the insights of a simple, suburban sparrow instead of the endless drone set forth by the modern world in which your life is prevailed upon to reside: I invite you to amuse me by closing your computer, iPad, or cellular internet browser, to walk outside into the sun or the rain. Now listen with your ears. Why do yours hear what they hear? Listen with your eyes. Listen with your mind. Listen with your nose, skin, eyelashes, toes, lips--what do they hear and why do they hear it? The Lord will speak, and when He does we must be faithful in listening. But sometimes listening requires us to stop, keep silent, lay ourselves down and trust that the Lord will take care of our world for a few minutes in order for us to hear what He needs to say.
He will paint pictures, set melodies to ride on the wind, create moments, take us by the hand and dance us through days of adventure and joy, trials and pain, silence and sound--but such art is for those that sacrifice time to see it, hear it, feel it, and seek it. God gave all such ability, so why do we keep ourselves from it?
Love is always speaking, and those that listen will feel the fullness of Its gifts.
Love is faithful,
Love is present,
Love is waiting.
As many know, this semester I took on 19 credit hours, a 20 hour workweek, and was a part of the Union Avenue Crescendo program. Needless to say, this semester has been mind numbing--almost to a fault. I was living life so quickly, I barely had time to breathe. But that is not the point.
The point is, when Spring Break rolled around, what was the first thing I thought about to do? Get my voice papers, music history paper, piano practice, or education standards papers written? Yeah, that would be the smart thing to do, huh...No. My first thought was, "Yes! I get to go to Meshuggah EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK and WRITE and READ all of the things I've been wanting to express/learn about all semester!" Through these days, I realized that my heart had so much to say--my mind was chomping at the bit for something to learn--my spirit was longing for the adventure that only comes when my soul has time to search.
I began by reading my "Philosophies of Art and Beauty" compilation, but then I pulled out a new book called, "An Altar in the World" suggested to me by the kindest of souls, Mark L. It is a Christian book about many things such as, how does one find the time to spend with God in a world that moves so quickly--how do we focus on Him when the work we do for His kingdom requires so much of our energy--how do we grow a more intimate relationship with a Lord that seems so far away--how do we come to peace with who we are in Christ and not expect anything more of ourselves, and many more topics. However, the concept that stuck out to me, and has continuously been on my heart for the past few weeks, is that living in my skin, in the life God has for me is just as important as working towards the person that the Lord needs me to be to carry out His will. AKA, taking time to enjoy who I am, where I am, what I am, right now, instead of constantly setting my mind on who/where/what I will be once I finish all of my training and am out in the real world fulfilling God's plan for my life.
I realize that right around the end of middle school/beginning of high school I developed an affinity for sentimentality: long walks in the woods, old movies, 20th century period pieces, an extremely individualistic fashion taste, impressionistic art, dancing, writing, reading, playing piano when I don't know how, drinking tea out of cups and saucers, spending long hours in libraries and book stores listening to piano sonatas, wearing sunny dresses, big hats, carrying around a flower bouquet to accessorize, etc. I began to think about life scene by scene--moment by moment--designing my days like a picture on the wall--practicing living in my own skin. These traits and habits are directly contradictory to the way that I was living my life, and so when they made themselves known, I realized that these are what make up my inner spirit--these sentimental qualities. I spent much of my spare time paying attention to the things I took for granted when my life was more peaceful. My spirit hid from my conscious a deep longing for a simpler, more sentimental lifestyle than that which I led.
These are the things that help me to practice the person I am and be satisfied with her, right now. I am the biggest-ever culprit of speeding through life--always looking for the next step, trying to get ahead so that I can do "What God wants me to." But the closer I have gotten to the Lord's heart, the more He has revealed to me that this is flawed thinking. And, not only this, but it is this thinking that leads to unnecessary stress, apprehension, anxiety, false expectations, self doubt, and a myriad of other problems. As my healing has continued since this summer, this is a place the Lord is helping me to take peace. So often I try to control every aspect of my life--as if the Lord needs my help to carry out His will and if I don't succeed in helping Him, then I have failed Him. And that in itself was a thought that made me rethink how I was living my life.
Over spring break I made the decision that I am going to consider taking an extra semester at Missouri Baptist, putting me at a 5 year undergraduate degree instead of 4 and a half. This decision, hopefully, will allow me to take fewer credit hours, keep working, but also leave me time to really enjoy my education--enjoy the music I'm learning--enjoy the concepts and theories and skills I will be using for the rest of my life. This is why college is exciting. It is a whole four years where I get to learn and create and find out about where my place is in the world. But, if I don't take time to let my inner self breathe through the process, all that will come from my experience is a couple of checked boxes and a piece of paper that says I know a thing or two about music.
There is a freedom in appreciating that who you are--right now--in the middle of your growth, education, and self discovery, is enough. Not only are you enough, but you are completely unique, stylized, and set apart in the eyes of God. My voice--in the world's eyes--is incomplete, unfinished, still needing work, etc. In God's eyes, my voice is the sweetest sound He has ever heard. It is in exactly the place it needs to be to do His will for this phase in my life. My mind, my degree of knowledge, my knowledge of life, my work, my accomplishments--they are enough for God. I know this concept seems simple and should be common sense, but for me it was one of those things that I knew but didn't really consider until I got to a place in my academic career that I felt like I was in limbo and therefore useless to Him. But quickly He said, "No, Kristianna. No. This is you. I created this, and it is good." Wow.
And so today, I went to Meshuggah and I had a ton of work to do. I opened up my computer, and realized it was not charged...I would have to wait a couple of minutes for it to be charged enough for me to use it. Then this thought entered my head: Well, now what? I suppose I could read, or write something...but then I wouldn't get work done because I would just want to keep reading and writing things that had nothing to do with school..wait. How bad could it be?
And that was the end of that. I got absolutely no where in my academic pursuit, but my spirit felt filled and seen. I spent three hours writing in my journal and reading different nonfiction pieces. I left Meshuggah eventually, and before I went home to spend time with my family, I bought a new bouquet of flowers to add to our dining room table.
Sometimes we have to take a look at life and say, "Yes, I have all of these things to do. Yes, I should probably get them done now instead of waiting until tomorrow when I'm going to have a ton of other work to do. But what I need right now is to recognize the sweet call of my heart to do some emptying and existing." The reality is that I cannot be filled with anything the Lord has for me in my education or my life if I don't take the time to appreciate what He has already placed there. If I don't recognize it and sit with it for a while, it won't become a part of me. That's one of the dangers of living life quickly--one cannot be present. One cannot appreciate or learn, much less listen. The busier life gets, the louder it gets. We cannot let life become white noise--going in one ear and out the other. The truth is, the Lord speaks to us through moments, thoughts, experiences, sunsets, flowers, words, looks, and other sweet whispers of life He creates. Barbara Brown's book, "An Altar in the World" speaks of just this: God did not intend to reside in a building filled with people worshiping Him on Sundays. God is so much more present than that--and praise Him all the more for it! I am so glad I serve a God that speaks in and through the world He created. He is the Inspiration--the Breath--of life. Therefore, everything that has breath speaks of Him and is at His disposal to be used as a mode of communication to His children. Furthermore, if I am only concentrated on getting through the weekend to finish all the work I neglected during the week, there is no time to breath, much less be breathed through.
So to you, dear one, who is reading this and neglecting your work because you would rather read the insights of a simple, suburban sparrow instead of the endless drone set forth by the modern world in which your life is prevailed upon to reside: I invite you to amuse me by closing your computer, iPad, or cellular internet browser, to walk outside into the sun or the rain. Now listen with your ears. Why do yours hear what they hear? Listen with your eyes. Listen with your mind. Listen with your nose, skin, eyelashes, toes, lips--what do they hear and why do they hear it? The Lord will speak, and when He does we must be faithful in listening. But sometimes listening requires us to stop, keep silent, lay ourselves down and trust that the Lord will take care of our world for a few minutes in order for us to hear what He needs to say.
He will paint pictures, set melodies to ride on the wind, create moments, take us by the hand and dance us through days of adventure and joy, trials and pain, silence and sound--but such art is for those that sacrifice time to see it, hear it, feel it, and seek it. God gave all such ability, so why do we keep ourselves from it?
Love is always speaking, and those that listen will feel the fullness of Its gifts.
Love is faithful,
Love is present,
Love is waiting.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
The Unimaginable Aesthetic
Brown, red, yellow, green of every shade tumbles fiercely across the paved floor like a blanket of motion spread by a horizontal wind. They rush to an unknown destination, but with such tenacity. “Though you have not seen...you love..and even though you do not see..now, you believe...and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy…” With that joy they hasten to their end--which they well know is not an end at all, but a new beginning.
The leaves of autumn.
They do not see forward, and they do not linger on what has passed. They merely tumble, roll, and glide their way down from the trees and seek their final resting place fated by the decisive wind.
Here there is trust.
Here there is faith.
Thus, there is hope.
Why are human beings so afraid of the truth here found? Even the wind chimes do not question to wind’s movement. They only but lend themselves to its path and sing even so.
How different we would be if we could learn to run like the falling leaves in autumn and dance like the wind chimes at dawn--reacting to the wind (The Lord) without hesitation. Imagine.
But then comes reality. Rationalism. Doubt. Worry. Fear. Practicality. Logic. All of the things that keep us from letting the Lord be the guiding force in our lives.
We are unable to rest patiently in the knowledge of His work and commitment to the fulfilling of His promises in our lives: a new day, a new perspective, an answered prayer, a joy unattainable apart from His hand.
And so presenting the conviction, here is a humble offering meant to encourage waiting hearts:
What artistry is presented in the leaves and chimes. What sweet poetic lines their life-ways make. And yet, they are inanimate--unliving, uncreating, unknowing. How much more, then, with our gift of life and breath could we praise the Lord? How much more artistry could we bring to the Kingdom if we were to act in such a way? If we let the Lord paint the picture--guide the brook--sway our song? He is the Master of Craft and the Originator of Eternal Beauty and he is OUR FATHER.
Our Father.
If we see such beauty in earthly, inanimate things, what is He capable of in a human life?
Seek His face, and He will show you the aesthetic unimaginable.
Love is letting go of control.
Love is faithfully waiting.
Love is being patient enough to see God, and the good work He first began in you, through to the end.
The leaves of autumn.
They do not see forward, and they do not linger on what has passed. They merely tumble, roll, and glide their way down from the trees and seek their final resting place fated by the decisive wind.
Here there is trust.
Here there is faith.
Thus, there is hope.
Why are human beings so afraid of the truth here found? Even the wind chimes do not question to wind’s movement. They only but lend themselves to its path and sing even so.
How different we would be if we could learn to run like the falling leaves in autumn and dance like the wind chimes at dawn--reacting to the wind (The Lord) without hesitation. Imagine.
But then comes reality. Rationalism. Doubt. Worry. Fear. Practicality. Logic. All of the things that keep us from letting the Lord be the guiding force in our lives.
We are unable to rest patiently in the knowledge of His work and commitment to the fulfilling of His promises in our lives: a new day, a new perspective, an answered prayer, a joy unattainable apart from His hand.
And so presenting the conviction, here is a humble offering meant to encourage waiting hearts:
What artistry is presented in the leaves and chimes. What sweet poetic lines their life-ways make. And yet, they are inanimate--unliving, uncreating, unknowing. How much more, then, with our gift of life and breath could we praise the Lord? How much more artistry could we bring to the Kingdom if we were to act in such a way? If we let the Lord paint the picture--guide the brook--sway our song? He is the Master of Craft and the Originator of Eternal Beauty and he is OUR FATHER.
Our Father.
If we see such beauty in earthly, inanimate things, what is He capable of in a human life?
Seek His face, and He will show you the aesthetic unimaginable.
Love is letting go of control.
Love is faithfully waiting.
Love is being patient enough to see God, and the good work He first began in you, through to the end.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Monday, October 19, 2015
Over The Rainbow
It is a rare thing to feel that your soul has departed from you--from all trouble, doubt, flesh, and worry--and to see your world wholly and completely as you wish you could see it every day. The Lord gives you a glimpse of the home He has built for you in heaven: A warm light shines on your face with the most gentle caress. Your heart feels as if it is suspended in the sweetness of a day's dawn. Nothing else is apparent except you and the Lord God Almighty...He is smiling. He is smiling at you in the way that every person wishes to be smiled at. His bright eyes cause you to lift your voice even higher in song--your face bursting in the best way you know possible with the joy that is overflowing from your thankful heart. You hear the songs of the Angels, and then to your surprise, it sounds almost exactly like the voices of those around you. Suddenly, the Holy Spirit returns the consciousness to your soul and you are standing, completely elated--enveloped--basking in the warmth and comfort of the new family the Lord has been so gracious to bless you with. For me, this family was my MoBap Chamber Singers brothers and sisters.
This weekend was our fall break, but for arts kids, it was the Fine Arts Fall Tour. It was beyond words. I think I would have many to agree with me when I say that none of us--the MoBap Fine Arts groups--could have predicted or expected the release and joy that this tour would bring.
For me, the Lord took my tired soul, my weak voice, my broken wings, and He perfected them in Him. He took my imperfections, and before my eyes, freed my soul from its bondage. He turned my crying into laughter, my mourning into dancing, and my sorrow into joy. Everywhere I looked there was a seeing eye--a caring ear. So many times I caught myself laughing out loud and smiling and delighting in my new MoBap family--being completely authentic in the peace that comes through trust. I did not feel the least bit of hostility or judgement from anyone. I did not feel unwanted or uncared for. I did not feel discouraged or forgotten.
This group of people love the Lord. They love Him beautifully. I have never experienced anything like it. Because their hearts are so firmly placed on the Lord, it allows Him to do things through us and our time together that we couldn't imagine. This is what fellowship in the Kingdom truly is: coming together to learn from one another, humbling one another and cheering each other on to spur ourselves towards God's plan and Glory. This is the stuff that dreams are made of.
Now, for the music. Not all who read this may understand it, but I will speak my heart and pray that the Lord will move in the words:
Music, for generations and times and ages passed, has been the common ground between the material and the Divine. It is, in my opinion, the highest means of praise to the Lord because it has the ability--rather, the Lord has the ability through it--to embrace the heart and speak the kindest, most gentle wisdoms to the heart if the heart is open to receive it. Sometimes, even, it is the means to open the heart. It has the ability to break down walls and slip through barriers that our humanness can create out of fear. Through music the Lord seeks out our inmost beings and resonates life and light in our spirits. Whether it is a joyous praise, a rapturous thankfulness, or a gentle reprimand, music has the ability to speak God's word in such a way that enables Him to mold our beings.
No wonder Satan tries so ardently to use music as a tool of destruction--he fears the Lord's use of it because he knows it is a tool through which he can be completely undone. Lucifer--the previous chief angel of music in heaven--understood it's miraculous uses. The ANGELS see it as the best way fit to praise the Lord--what does that mean for its effect here on earth? This weekend has reminded me how important it is to be a vessel when I sing. I know that Satan could very well steal my will if I let him while I am singing. I remembered, contrarily, however, that the Lord is more powerful and has an even greater plan for the music that I make. That is why I have loved being a vessel especially this weekend--Through the power of the Lord and the encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I rid myself of all doubt and fear and temptation that Satan tried to bond me with, and freed my spirit to be a complete and transparent messenger for the Lord and His purposes. When I let go, I felt as though I were not mine, but His. The abundant resplendence of joy I felt standing beside my brothers and sisters praising the Lord was explosive and resonant.
I have been changed.
So what, then, does this say about Love?
Love is capable not only of moving hearts but bringing wisdom and peace. It begins with trust: as we live our lives for the Lord and do our best to hear from Him daily, we learn to trust His will and accept His movement. We are changed because Love has opened our hearts and our minds wide to receive whatever He will give us.
This weekend the gates to my heart were thrown open--joy sweeping in to flood my heart with thoughts and dreams and hopes and thanks to my God for the wondrous life I have been provided through Him.
"2 Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."
--Psalm 103:2-5
Love is this.
This weekend was our fall break, but for arts kids, it was the Fine Arts Fall Tour. It was beyond words. I think I would have many to agree with me when I say that none of us--the MoBap Fine Arts groups--could have predicted or expected the release and joy that this tour would bring.
For me, the Lord took my tired soul, my weak voice, my broken wings, and He perfected them in Him. He took my imperfections, and before my eyes, freed my soul from its bondage. He turned my crying into laughter, my mourning into dancing, and my sorrow into joy. Everywhere I looked there was a seeing eye--a caring ear. So many times I caught myself laughing out loud and smiling and delighting in my new MoBap family--being completely authentic in the peace that comes through trust. I did not feel the least bit of hostility or judgement from anyone. I did not feel unwanted or uncared for. I did not feel discouraged or forgotten.
This group of people love the Lord. They love Him beautifully. I have never experienced anything like it. Because their hearts are so firmly placed on the Lord, it allows Him to do things through us and our time together that we couldn't imagine. This is what fellowship in the Kingdom truly is: coming together to learn from one another, humbling one another and cheering each other on to spur ourselves towards God's plan and Glory. This is the stuff that dreams are made of.
Now, for the music. Not all who read this may understand it, but I will speak my heart and pray that the Lord will move in the words:
Music, for generations and times and ages passed, has been the common ground between the material and the Divine. It is, in my opinion, the highest means of praise to the Lord because it has the ability--rather, the Lord has the ability through it--to embrace the heart and speak the kindest, most gentle wisdoms to the heart if the heart is open to receive it. Sometimes, even, it is the means to open the heart. It has the ability to break down walls and slip through barriers that our humanness can create out of fear. Through music the Lord seeks out our inmost beings and resonates life and light in our spirits. Whether it is a joyous praise, a rapturous thankfulness, or a gentle reprimand, music has the ability to speak God's word in such a way that enables Him to mold our beings.
No wonder Satan tries so ardently to use music as a tool of destruction--he fears the Lord's use of it because he knows it is a tool through which he can be completely undone. Lucifer--the previous chief angel of music in heaven--understood it's miraculous uses. The ANGELS see it as the best way fit to praise the Lord--what does that mean for its effect here on earth? This weekend has reminded me how important it is to be a vessel when I sing. I know that Satan could very well steal my will if I let him while I am singing. I remembered, contrarily, however, that the Lord is more powerful and has an even greater plan for the music that I make. That is why I have loved being a vessel especially this weekend--Through the power of the Lord and the encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I rid myself of all doubt and fear and temptation that Satan tried to bond me with, and freed my spirit to be a complete and transparent messenger for the Lord and His purposes. When I let go, I felt as though I were not mine, but His. The abundant resplendence of joy I felt standing beside my brothers and sisters praising the Lord was explosive and resonant.
I have been changed.
So what, then, does this say about Love?
Love is capable not only of moving hearts but bringing wisdom and peace. It begins with trust: as we live our lives for the Lord and do our best to hear from Him daily, we learn to trust His will and accept His movement. We are changed because Love has opened our hearts and our minds wide to receive whatever He will give us.
This weekend the gates to my heart were thrown open--joy sweeping in to flood my heart with thoughts and dreams and hopes and thanks to my God for the wondrous life I have been provided through Him.
"2 Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."
--Psalm 103:2-5
Love is this.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
A Word From A Lyrical Genius
"life is more true than reason will deceive
(more secret or than madness did reveal) deeper is life than lose:higher than have
--but beauty is more each than living's all
multiplied by infinity sans if
the mightiest meditations of mankind
cancelled are by one merely opening leaf
(beyond whose nearness there is no beyond)
or does some littler bird than eyes can learn
look up to silence and completely sing?
futures are obsolete; pasts are unborn
(here less than nothing's more than everything)
death, as men call him, ends what they call men
--but beauty is more now than dying's when"
-- e.e. Cummings
(more secret or than madness did reveal) deeper is life than lose:higher than have
--but beauty is more each than living's all
multiplied by infinity sans if
the mightiest meditations of mankind
cancelled are by one merely opening leaf
(beyond whose nearness there is no beyond)
or does some littler bird than eyes can learn
look up to silence and completely sing?
futures are obsolete; pasts are unborn
(here less than nothing's more than everything)
death, as men call him, ends what they call men
--but beauty is more now than dying's when"
-- e.e. Cummings
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
And Then, There Is Life
Something needs to be said. I think about this quite a bit, but there is much of me that is either afraid or unsure or just plain inarticulate about this subject. But I think I have finally decided to tackle it.
There is an epidemic of which I admit to being a part: a paradox of sorts.
People my age--typically college students seeking peace in their chaotic world--are doing their best to address the growing social, political, and racial issues that have arisen, ten-fold, in the past five years. There are questions of morality, right and wrong, who gets to say what and when and how, liberty, religious freedom, unreligious freedom, joy versus happiness, peace, love, war, etc. AKA everything everyone has been dealing with since the beginning of time--just that this generation is finally defining their stand.
It has been my experience and subsequent understanding that my generation wants everything, but is willing to do the least possible and experience the least amount of pain to acquire their results. Myself included. As a daughter of the modern technological age, communication has become short and simple--shamelessly ambitious in the least ambitious way--and immediate, philanthropic contribution has been mated with a self-amplifying, materialistic fad (not that I don't love my pink striped Toms), and fighting ignorance has become as simple as a Facebook post about water shortages in Africa.
Now, I apologize for how bitter sounding this essay is thus far--I do not mean to express myself forcefully. I am a part of it and I may sound extremely hypocritical. My point here is to give a greater picture so that my main topic can be affirmed in nature: this generation has been given so much privilege, so much power, and so many resources, that I honestly don't believe we are always mature enough or responsible enough to use in the way God intended it. We are a generation that has painfully accepted the mantra that comfort is not only available for those that speak loud enough, but should be a right to all.
My more pressing observation came about in college: I had the privilege of being surrounded by a wonderful, loving, and compassionate group of people. I thought wow, you know, even though not many of these people are Christians, they sure have beautiful hearts. And it is true, they do! They are intelligent, kind, caring people. I began to believe, okay, I completely understand where they are coming from, and there must be a way to integrate these beliefs with my own. However, what I did not realize--or had trouble articulating for myself--is that they do have the same beliefs, but there is one pinnacle flaw that changes it all: A flaw that will forever keep me from being able to agree with them, or somehow join their beliefs with my own so that we can all "get along". This thought of "getting along" was my mistake, and the thought that I later came to realize would be the death of my ability to go on any longer, conceding my beliefs to theirs.
Let me begin by stating the majority of beliefs I met in my first year of college:
1. Everyone should be allowed to believe what they want, no matter what anyone else says.
2. One should get to decide for themselves what path in life they will choose.
3. Nobody should do anything to hurt anyone else.
4. Nobody should be allowed to say anything that hurts anyone else, or compromises someone else's beliefs.
5. Everyone should aim for peaceful tolerance.
6. Right and wrong are a decision for oneself--as long as its not hurting anybody or making anybody uncomfortable.
7. Everybody deserves to be happy.
Seems pretty legit, right? Also, these aren't all of the beliefs, just the ones I would like to focus on today. They also may not be true for everyone; but again, just what I have picked up on.
So, one can see how I easily transitioned into this society in college. I believe in many of the core beliefs stated here: kindness, compassion, peace, I am entitled to what I believe because it is my right, etc. But here is the problem I have run into: I found myself squishing my passionate love for the Lord and His teachings because I didn't want to "offend" anyone. It is no secret that the name of the Lord carries a powerful presence--a presence not all people are fond of. It makes them aware of their apparent short comings; it makes them feel the need to recognize God's authority in my life and ask themselves why they do not recognize Him in theirs; and in many, it makes them remember every "trauma" and no good deed that came of organized Christianity in the world. They see it as a threat to their comfortability, "liberty" and self reliance. This worldview blinds them to the beautiful reward and perfect peace that can be found in a life with the Lord. But more on this later.
The aforementioned flaw is this (really, it should be the plural, these): If everyone passionately, firmly, and defiantly pursued their beliefs--their moral compass--it would be impossible for NO ONE to get hurt. Someone will come along and feel offended because one person's beliefs directly oppose their own. Second, if right and wrong are all relative and based on each person individually, we will have so many opposing forces that complete chaos would break out. Another thing: all of these believers are big on growth--"we have to grow together and help each other become better people" etcetera etcetera. But when has there EVER been growth without pain? Without conviction? Without the ah-ha moment of, "I believed this way once, but now, seeing all of these things put before me and realizing my wrongfulness through humility, and now I believe a new way-a better way,"? If everyone is constantly walking on eggshells around one another and not trying to hurt anyone or question anyone's way of life (because right and wrong is based on your and yours only moral compass) how is any of that achieved? How do people change? How does the WORLD change? I'm sorry but there is no number of Toms that will save a dying nation from poverty and depression. There is no number of Facebook posts about your opinion or Facebook links about the most recent riot in St. Louis that will get anyone off of their couch to go out and start joining together for a greater purpose to start changing Missouri. Because everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to double click their circle button and swipe up on their Facebook or news app so they can go back to Mad Men, House of Cards, and Bob's Burgers and forget about their short lived moment of inspiring conviction.
On the topic of happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment? You're just going to keep looking. The alcohol will stop working, the drugs will either hurt you or get old, the shopping will never be enough, the relationship will always leave you wanting more, and eventually you will see every part of the world that exists. Then what? Where do you go? Do you have kids? Do you advance your job? What do people say about you at your funeral? Where do you go when it's all over?
These are the questions I was left with. These were the thoughts I couldn't resolve living a life solely for myself or anything that is of this world. For me, and in my eyes, the world has absolutely nothing that can satisfy. The world has nothing that can pacify the pain, bring peace to the wars, or bring comfort to the orphans and the lost.
Christ saves. Christ comforts. And Christ fulfills our every empty vein. Formerly I mentioned that those with a worldly supplication for happiness can be blinded by the perfect peace the Lord offers in His kingdom.
I want people to know that the Lord did not come to rebuke or reprimand--He came to save. He came as a human. He came prepared to love the widow and the orphan in a way that no one before had thought of in society. Jesus came because the Lord needed someone to make people stop and think but also someone to answer all of their questions and curb all of their searching and yearning souls.
I have met a beautiful people in the last five years--a people that have a desire to learn and create and discover and be bent and broken for incredible causes. But what breaks my heart for these people is that they are never satisfied--they are never brought to peace. No amount of justice is curbs their righteous anger. No amount of sweetness can make their heart eternally tender. No amount of love will stop their looking and no amount of wandering can cease their intense need for discovery.
That being said, one of the great things about life is that some of these things are never meant to satisfy or be satisfied--for anyone. They make life what it is. But what concerns me is when people are looking for completion here. They are looking as if "this time" or "as long as this happens in my life" or "When I get this" they will be eternally happy. But the truth is that humans were not meant to be completed by the world. Our souls are not of this world, so why do we keep searching for worldly things to complete them? Our souls are so wonderfully deep and complex and indeterminable. It is time we do them justice by fulfilling them.
I think one thing people do not consider is, where do they go after they have been satisfied? What is next? Where do they go? What is their purpose? The fact is that there can be eternally more. Once the human soul is satisfied (and satisfied well) it opens up the ability to be humbled--to be broken and mended time and time again--to be grown--to be if service to the other humans around them. I think that is why we all want satisfaction. We want to get to this sweet place where we don't yearn or want anymore--we just are.
The Lord has this power. I implore you, look into your heart and reflect its shine on your own face--bravely, daringly, and unafraid of what you might see. Where does your satisfaction come from? Where will you go after that? Are you chasing to no avail, or are you working towards a peace that surpasses all understanding?
Love is peace
Love is honesty
Love is coming to peace in brutal honesty within oneself.
And then there's life.
There is an epidemic of which I admit to being a part: a paradox of sorts.
People my age--typically college students seeking peace in their chaotic world--are doing their best to address the growing social, political, and racial issues that have arisen, ten-fold, in the past five years. There are questions of morality, right and wrong, who gets to say what and when and how, liberty, religious freedom, unreligious freedom, joy versus happiness, peace, love, war, etc. AKA everything everyone has been dealing with since the beginning of time--just that this generation is finally defining their stand.
It has been my experience and subsequent understanding that my generation wants everything, but is willing to do the least possible and experience the least amount of pain to acquire their results. Myself included. As a daughter of the modern technological age, communication has become short and simple--shamelessly ambitious in the least ambitious way--and immediate, philanthropic contribution has been mated with a self-amplifying, materialistic fad (not that I don't love my pink striped Toms), and fighting ignorance has become as simple as a Facebook post about water shortages in Africa.
Now, I apologize for how bitter sounding this essay is thus far--I do not mean to express myself forcefully. I am a part of it and I may sound extremely hypocritical. My point here is to give a greater picture so that my main topic can be affirmed in nature: this generation has been given so much privilege, so much power, and so many resources, that I honestly don't believe we are always mature enough or responsible enough to use in the way God intended it. We are a generation that has painfully accepted the mantra that comfort is not only available for those that speak loud enough, but should be a right to all.
My more pressing observation came about in college: I had the privilege of being surrounded by a wonderful, loving, and compassionate group of people. I thought wow, you know, even though not many of these people are Christians, they sure have beautiful hearts. And it is true, they do! They are intelligent, kind, caring people. I began to believe, okay, I completely understand where they are coming from, and there must be a way to integrate these beliefs with my own. However, what I did not realize--or had trouble articulating for myself--is that they do have the same beliefs, but there is one pinnacle flaw that changes it all: A flaw that will forever keep me from being able to agree with them, or somehow join their beliefs with my own so that we can all "get along". This thought of "getting along" was my mistake, and the thought that I later came to realize would be the death of my ability to go on any longer, conceding my beliefs to theirs.
Let me begin by stating the majority of beliefs I met in my first year of college:
1. Everyone should be allowed to believe what they want, no matter what anyone else says.
2. One should get to decide for themselves what path in life they will choose.
3. Nobody should do anything to hurt anyone else.
4. Nobody should be allowed to say anything that hurts anyone else, or compromises someone else's beliefs.
5. Everyone should aim for peaceful tolerance.
6. Right and wrong are a decision for oneself--as long as its not hurting anybody or making anybody uncomfortable.
7. Everybody deserves to be happy.
Seems pretty legit, right? Also, these aren't all of the beliefs, just the ones I would like to focus on today. They also may not be true for everyone; but again, just what I have picked up on.
So, one can see how I easily transitioned into this society in college. I believe in many of the core beliefs stated here: kindness, compassion, peace, I am entitled to what I believe because it is my right, etc. But here is the problem I have run into: I found myself squishing my passionate love for the Lord and His teachings because I didn't want to "offend" anyone. It is no secret that the name of the Lord carries a powerful presence--a presence not all people are fond of. It makes them aware of their apparent short comings; it makes them feel the need to recognize God's authority in my life and ask themselves why they do not recognize Him in theirs; and in many, it makes them remember every "trauma" and no good deed that came of organized Christianity in the world. They see it as a threat to their comfortability, "liberty" and self reliance. This worldview blinds them to the beautiful reward and perfect peace that can be found in a life with the Lord. But more on this later.
The aforementioned flaw is this (really, it should be the plural, these): If everyone passionately, firmly, and defiantly pursued their beliefs--their moral compass--it would be impossible for NO ONE to get hurt. Someone will come along and feel offended because one person's beliefs directly oppose their own. Second, if right and wrong are all relative and based on each person individually, we will have so many opposing forces that complete chaos would break out. Another thing: all of these believers are big on growth--"we have to grow together and help each other become better people" etcetera etcetera. But when has there EVER been growth without pain? Without conviction? Without the ah-ha moment of, "I believed this way once, but now, seeing all of these things put before me and realizing my wrongfulness through humility, and now I believe a new way-a better way,"? If everyone is constantly walking on eggshells around one another and not trying to hurt anyone or question anyone's way of life (because right and wrong is based on your and yours only moral compass) how is any of that achieved? How do people change? How does the WORLD change? I'm sorry but there is no number of Toms that will save a dying nation from poverty and depression. There is no number of Facebook posts about your opinion or Facebook links about the most recent riot in St. Louis that will get anyone off of their couch to go out and start joining together for a greater purpose to start changing Missouri. Because everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to double click their circle button and swipe up on their Facebook or news app so they can go back to Mad Men, House of Cards, and Bob's Burgers and forget about their short lived moment of inspiring conviction.
On the topic of happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment? You're just going to keep looking. The alcohol will stop working, the drugs will either hurt you or get old, the shopping will never be enough, the relationship will always leave you wanting more, and eventually you will see every part of the world that exists. Then what? Where do you go? Do you have kids? Do you advance your job? What do people say about you at your funeral? Where do you go when it's all over?
These are the questions I was left with. These were the thoughts I couldn't resolve living a life solely for myself or anything that is of this world. For me, and in my eyes, the world has absolutely nothing that can satisfy. The world has nothing that can pacify the pain, bring peace to the wars, or bring comfort to the orphans and the lost.
Christ saves. Christ comforts. And Christ fulfills our every empty vein. Formerly I mentioned that those with a worldly supplication for happiness can be blinded by the perfect peace the Lord offers in His kingdom.
I want people to know that the Lord did not come to rebuke or reprimand--He came to save. He came as a human. He came prepared to love the widow and the orphan in a way that no one before had thought of in society. Jesus came because the Lord needed someone to make people stop and think but also someone to answer all of their questions and curb all of their searching and yearning souls.
I have met a beautiful people in the last five years--a people that have a desire to learn and create and discover and be bent and broken for incredible causes. But what breaks my heart for these people is that they are never satisfied--they are never brought to peace. No amount of justice is curbs their righteous anger. No amount of sweetness can make their heart eternally tender. No amount of love will stop their looking and no amount of wandering can cease their intense need for discovery.
That being said, one of the great things about life is that some of these things are never meant to satisfy or be satisfied--for anyone. They make life what it is. But what concerns me is when people are looking for completion here. They are looking as if "this time" or "as long as this happens in my life" or "When I get this" they will be eternally happy. But the truth is that humans were not meant to be completed by the world. Our souls are not of this world, so why do we keep searching for worldly things to complete them? Our souls are so wonderfully deep and complex and indeterminable. It is time we do them justice by fulfilling them.
I think one thing people do not consider is, where do they go after they have been satisfied? What is next? Where do they go? What is their purpose? The fact is that there can be eternally more. Once the human soul is satisfied (and satisfied well) it opens up the ability to be humbled--to be broken and mended time and time again--to be grown--to be if service to the other humans around them. I think that is why we all want satisfaction. We want to get to this sweet place where we don't yearn or want anymore--we just are.
The Lord has this power. I implore you, look into your heart and reflect its shine on your own face--bravely, daringly, and unafraid of what you might see. Where does your satisfaction come from? Where will you go after that? Are you chasing to no avail, or are you working towards a peace that surpasses all understanding?
Love is peace
Love is honesty
Love is coming to peace in brutal honesty within oneself.
And then there's life.
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