Brown, red, yellow, green of every shade tumbles fiercely across the paved floor like a blanket of motion spread by a horizontal wind. They rush to an unknown destination, but with such tenacity. “Though you have not seen...you love..and even though you do not see..now, you believe...and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy…” With that joy they hasten to their end--which they well know is not an end at all, but a new beginning.
The leaves of autumn.
They do not see forward, and they do not linger on what has passed. They merely tumble, roll, and glide their way down from the trees and seek their final resting place fated by the decisive wind.
Here there is trust.
Here there is faith.
Thus, there is hope.
Why are human beings so afraid of the truth here found? Even the wind chimes do not question to wind’s movement. They only but lend themselves to its path and sing even so.
How different we would be if we could learn to run like the falling leaves in autumn and dance like the wind chimes at dawn--reacting to the wind (The Lord) without hesitation. Imagine.
But then comes reality. Rationalism. Doubt. Worry. Fear. Practicality. Logic. All of the things that keep us from letting the Lord be the guiding force in our lives.
We are unable to rest patiently in the knowledge of His work and commitment to the fulfilling of His promises in our lives: a new day, a new perspective, an answered prayer, a joy unattainable apart from His hand.
And so presenting the conviction, here is a humble offering meant to encourage waiting hearts:
What artistry is presented in the leaves and chimes. What sweet poetic lines their life-ways make. And yet, they are inanimate--unliving, uncreating, unknowing. How much more, then, with our gift of life and breath could we praise the Lord? How much more artistry could we bring to the Kingdom if we were to act in such a way? If we let the Lord paint the picture--guide the brook--sway our song? He is the Master of Craft and the Originator of Eternal Beauty and he is OUR FATHER.
Our Father.
If we see such beauty in earthly, inanimate things, what is He capable of in a human life?
Seek His face, and He will show you the aesthetic unimaginable.
Love is letting go of control.
Love is faithfully waiting.
Love is being patient enough to see God, and the good work He first began in you, through to the end.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Monday, October 19, 2015
Over The Rainbow
It is a rare thing to feel that your soul has departed from you--from all trouble, doubt, flesh, and worry--and to see your world wholly and completely as you wish you could see it every day. The Lord gives you a glimpse of the home He has built for you in heaven: A warm light shines on your face with the most gentle caress. Your heart feels as if it is suspended in the sweetness of a day's dawn. Nothing else is apparent except you and the Lord God Almighty...He is smiling. He is smiling at you in the way that every person wishes to be smiled at. His bright eyes cause you to lift your voice even higher in song--your face bursting in the best way you know possible with the joy that is overflowing from your thankful heart. You hear the songs of the Angels, and then to your surprise, it sounds almost exactly like the voices of those around you. Suddenly, the Holy Spirit returns the consciousness to your soul and you are standing, completely elated--enveloped--basking in the warmth and comfort of the new family the Lord has been so gracious to bless you with. For me, this family was my MoBap Chamber Singers brothers and sisters.
This weekend was our fall break, but for arts kids, it was the Fine Arts Fall Tour. It was beyond words. I think I would have many to agree with me when I say that none of us--the MoBap Fine Arts groups--could have predicted or expected the release and joy that this tour would bring.
For me, the Lord took my tired soul, my weak voice, my broken wings, and He perfected them in Him. He took my imperfections, and before my eyes, freed my soul from its bondage. He turned my crying into laughter, my mourning into dancing, and my sorrow into joy. Everywhere I looked there was a seeing eye--a caring ear. So many times I caught myself laughing out loud and smiling and delighting in my new MoBap family--being completely authentic in the peace that comes through trust. I did not feel the least bit of hostility or judgement from anyone. I did not feel unwanted or uncared for. I did not feel discouraged or forgotten.
This group of people love the Lord. They love Him beautifully. I have never experienced anything like it. Because their hearts are so firmly placed on the Lord, it allows Him to do things through us and our time together that we couldn't imagine. This is what fellowship in the Kingdom truly is: coming together to learn from one another, humbling one another and cheering each other on to spur ourselves towards God's plan and Glory. This is the stuff that dreams are made of.
Now, for the music. Not all who read this may understand it, but I will speak my heart and pray that the Lord will move in the words:
Music, for generations and times and ages passed, has been the common ground between the material and the Divine. It is, in my opinion, the highest means of praise to the Lord because it has the ability--rather, the Lord has the ability through it--to embrace the heart and speak the kindest, most gentle wisdoms to the heart if the heart is open to receive it. Sometimes, even, it is the means to open the heart. It has the ability to break down walls and slip through barriers that our humanness can create out of fear. Through music the Lord seeks out our inmost beings and resonates life and light in our spirits. Whether it is a joyous praise, a rapturous thankfulness, or a gentle reprimand, music has the ability to speak God's word in such a way that enables Him to mold our beings.
No wonder Satan tries so ardently to use music as a tool of destruction--he fears the Lord's use of it because he knows it is a tool through which he can be completely undone. Lucifer--the previous chief angel of music in heaven--understood it's miraculous uses. The ANGELS see it as the best way fit to praise the Lord--what does that mean for its effect here on earth? This weekend has reminded me how important it is to be a vessel when I sing. I know that Satan could very well steal my will if I let him while I am singing. I remembered, contrarily, however, that the Lord is more powerful and has an even greater plan for the music that I make. That is why I have loved being a vessel especially this weekend--Through the power of the Lord and the encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I rid myself of all doubt and fear and temptation that Satan tried to bond me with, and freed my spirit to be a complete and transparent messenger for the Lord and His purposes. When I let go, I felt as though I were not mine, but His. The abundant resplendence of joy I felt standing beside my brothers and sisters praising the Lord was explosive and resonant.
I have been changed.
So what, then, does this say about Love?
Love is capable not only of moving hearts but bringing wisdom and peace. It begins with trust: as we live our lives for the Lord and do our best to hear from Him daily, we learn to trust His will and accept His movement. We are changed because Love has opened our hearts and our minds wide to receive whatever He will give us.
This weekend the gates to my heart were thrown open--joy sweeping in to flood my heart with thoughts and dreams and hopes and thanks to my God for the wondrous life I have been provided through Him.
"2 Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."
--Psalm 103:2-5
Love is this.
This weekend was our fall break, but for arts kids, it was the Fine Arts Fall Tour. It was beyond words. I think I would have many to agree with me when I say that none of us--the MoBap Fine Arts groups--could have predicted or expected the release and joy that this tour would bring.
For me, the Lord took my tired soul, my weak voice, my broken wings, and He perfected them in Him. He took my imperfections, and before my eyes, freed my soul from its bondage. He turned my crying into laughter, my mourning into dancing, and my sorrow into joy. Everywhere I looked there was a seeing eye--a caring ear. So many times I caught myself laughing out loud and smiling and delighting in my new MoBap family--being completely authentic in the peace that comes through trust. I did not feel the least bit of hostility or judgement from anyone. I did not feel unwanted or uncared for. I did not feel discouraged or forgotten.
This group of people love the Lord. They love Him beautifully. I have never experienced anything like it. Because their hearts are so firmly placed on the Lord, it allows Him to do things through us and our time together that we couldn't imagine. This is what fellowship in the Kingdom truly is: coming together to learn from one another, humbling one another and cheering each other on to spur ourselves towards God's plan and Glory. This is the stuff that dreams are made of.
Now, for the music. Not all who read this may understand it, but I will speak my heart and pray that the Lord will move in the words:
Music, for generations and times and ages passed, has been the common ground between the material and the Divine. It is, in my opinion, the highest means of praise to the Lord because it has the ability--rather, the Lord has the ability through it--to embrace the heart and speak the kindest, most gentle wisdoms to the heart if the heart is open to receive it. Sometimes, even, it is the means to open the heart. It has the ability to break down walls and slip through barriers that our humanness can create out of fear. Through music the Lord seeks out our inmost beings and resonates life and light in our spirits. Whether it is a joyous praise, a rapturous thankfulness, or a gentle reprimand, music has the ability to speak God's word in such a way that enables Him to mold our beings.
No wonder Satan tries so ardently to use music as a tool of destruction--he fears the Lord's use of it because he knows it is a tool through which he can be completely undone. Lucifer--the previous chief angel of music in heaven--understood it's miraculous uses. The ANGELS see it as the best way fit to praise the Lord--what does that mean for its effect here on earth? This weekend has reminded me how important it is to be a vessel when I sing. I know that Satan could very well steal my will if I let him while I am singing. I remembered, contrarily, however, that the Lord is more powerful and has an even greater plan for the music that I make. That is why I have loved being a vessel especially this weekend--Through the power of the Lord and the encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I rid myself of all doubt and fear and temptation that Satan tried to bond me with, and freed my spirit to be a complete and transparent messenger for the Lord and His purposes. When I let go, I felt as though I were not mine, but His. The abundant resplendence of joy I felt standing beside my brothers and sisters praising the Lord was explosive and resonant.
I have been changed.
So what, then, does this say about Love?
Love is capable not only of moving hearts but bringing wisdom and peace. It begins with trust: as we live our lives for the Lord and do our best to hear from Him daily, we learn to trust His will and accept His movement. We are changed because Love has opened our hearts and our minds wide to receive whatever He will give us.
This weekend the gates to my heart were thrown open--joy sweeping in to flood my heart with thoughts and dreams and hopes and thanks to my God for the wondrous life I have been provided through Him.
"2 Praise the Lord, oh my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."
--Psalm 103:2-5
Love is this.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
A Word From A Lyrical Genius
"life is more true than reason will deceive
(more secret or than madness did reveal) deeper is life than lose:higher than have
--but beauty is more each than living's all
multiplied by infinity sans if
the mightiest meditations of mankind
cancelled are by one merely opening leaf
(beyond whose nearness there is no beyond)
or does some littler bird than eyes can learn
look up to silence and completely sing?
futures are obsolete; pasts are unborn
(here less than nothing's more than everything)
death, as men call him, ends what they call men
--but beauty is more now than dying's when"
-- e.e. Cummings
(more secret or than madness did reveal) deeper is life than lose:higher than have
--but beauty is more each than living's all
multiplied by infinity sans if
the mightiest meditations of mankind
cancelled are by one merely opening leaf
(beyond whose nearness there is no beyond)
or does some littler bird than eyes can learn
look up to silence and completely sing?
futures are obsolete; pasts are unborn
(here less than nothing's more than everything)
death, as men call him, ends what they call men
--but beauty is more now than dying's when"
-- e.e. Cummings
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
And Then, There Is Life
Something needs to be said. I think about this quite a bit, but there is much of me that is either afraid or unsure or just plain inarticulate about this subject. But I think I have finally decided to tackle it.
There is an epidemic of which I admit to being a part: a paradox of sorts.
People my age--typically college students seeking peace in their chaotic world--are doing their best to address the growing social, political, and racial issues that have arisen, ten-fold, in the past five years. There are questions of morality, right and wrong, who gets to say what and when and how, liberty, religious freedom, unreligious freedom, joy versus happiness, peace, love, war, etc. AKA everything everyone has been dealing with since the beginning of time--just that this generation is finally defining their stand.
It has been my experience and subsequent understanding that my generation wants everything, but is willing to do the least possible and experience the least amount of pain to acquire their results. Myself included. As a daughter of the modern technological age, communication has become short and simple--shamelessly ambitious in the least ambitious way--and immediate, philanthropic contribution has been mated with a self-amplifying, materialistic fad (not that I don't love my pink striped Toms), and fighting ignorance has become as simple as a Facebook post about water shortages in Africa.
Now, I apologize for how bitter sounding this essay is thus far--I do not mean to express myself forcefully. I am a part of it and I may sound extremely hypocritical. My point here is to give a greater picture so that my main topic can be affirmed in nature: this generation has been given so much privilege, so much power, and so many resources, that I honestly don't believe we are always mature enough or responsible enough to use in the way God intended it. We are a generation that has painfully accepted the mantra that comfort is not only available for those that speak loud enough, but should be a right to all.
My more pressing observation came about in college: I had the privilege of being surrounded by a wonderful, loving, and compassionate group of people. I thought wow, you know, even though not many of these people are Christians, they sure have beautiful hearts. And it is true, they do! They are intelligent, kind, caring people. I began to believe, okay, I completely understand where they are coming from, and there must be a way to integrate these beliefs with my own. However, what I did not realize--or had trouble articulating for myself--is that they do have the same beliefs, but there is one pinnacle flaw that changes it all: A flaw that will forever keep me from being able to agree with them, or somehow join their beliefs with my own so that we can all "get along". This thought of "getting along" was my mistake, and the thought that I later came to realize would be the death of my ability to go on any longer, conceding my beliefs to theirs.
Let me begin by stating the majority of beliefs I met in my first year of college:
1. Everyone should be allowed to believe what they want, no matter what anyone else says.
2. One should get to decide for themselves what path in life they will choose.
3. Nobody should do anything to hurt anyone else.
4. Nobody should be allowed to say anything that hurts anyone else, or compromises someone else's beliefs.
5. Everyone should aim for peaceful tolerance.
6. Right and wrong are a decision for oneself--as long as its not hurting anybody or making anybody uncomfortable.
7. Everybody deserves to be happy.
Seems pretty legit, right? Also, these aren't all of the beliefs, just the ones I would like to focus on today. They also may not be true for everyone; but again, just what I have picked up on.
So, one can see how I easily transitioned into this society in college. I believe in many of the core beliefs stated here: kindness, compassion, peace, I am entitled to what I believe because it is my right, etc. But here is the problem I have run into: I found myself squishing my passionate love for the Lord and His teachings because I didn't want to "offend" anyone. It is no secret that the name of the Lord carries a powerful presence--a presence not all people are fond of. It makes them aware of their apparent short comings; it makes them feel the need to recognize God's authority in my life and ask themselves why they do not recognize Him in theirs; and in many, it makes them remember every "trauma" and no good deed that came of organized Christianity in the world. They see it as a threat to their comfortability, "liberty" and self reliance. This worldview blinds them to the beautiful reward and perfect peace that can be found in a life with the Lord. But more on this later.
The aforementioned flaw is this (really, it should be the plural, these): If everyone passionately, firmly, and defiantly pursued their beliefs--their moral compass--it would be impossible for NO ONE to get hurt. Someone will come along and feel offended because one person's beliefs directly oppose their own. Second, if right and wrong are all relative and based on each person individually, we will have so many opposing forces that complete chaos would break out. Another thing: all of these believers are big on growth--"we have to grow together and help each other become better people" etcetera etcetera. But when has there EVER been growth without pain? Without conviction? Without the ah-ha moment of, "I believed this way once, but now, seeing all of these things put before me and realizing my wrongfulness through humility, and now I believe a new way-a better way,"? If everyone is constantly walking on eggshells around one another and not trying to hurt anyone or question anyone's way of life (because right and wrong is based on your and yours only moral compass) how is any of that achieved? How do people change? How does the WORLD change? I'm sorry but there is no number of Toms that will save a dying nation from poverty and depression. There is no number of Facebook posts about your opinion or Facebook links about the most recent riot in St. Louis that will get anyone off of their couch to go out and start joining together for a greater purpose to start changing Missouri. Because everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to double click their circle button and swipe up on their Facebook or news app so they can go back to Mad Men, House of Cards, and Bob's Burgers and forget about their short lived moment of inspiring conviction.
On the topic of happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment? You're just going to keep looking. The alcohol will stop working, the drugs will either hurt you or get old, the shopping will never be enough, the relationship will always leave you wanting more, and eventually you will see every part of the world that exists. Then what? Where do you go? Do you have kids? Do you advance your job? What do people say about you at your funeral? Where do you go when it's all over?
These are the questions I was left with. These were the thoughts I couldn't resolve living a life solely for myself or anything that is of this world. For me, and in my eyes, the world has absolutely nothing that can satisfy. The world has nothing that can pacify the pain, bring peace to the wars, or bring comfort to the orphans and the lost.
Christ saves. Christ comforts. And Christ fulfills our every empty vein. Formerly I mentioned that those with a worldly supplication for happiness can be blinded by the perfect peace the Lord offers in His kingdom.
I want people to know that the Lord did not come to rebuke or reprimand--He came to save. He came as a human. He came prepared to love the widow and the orphan in a way that no one before had thought of in society. Jesus came because the Lord needed someone to make people stop and think but also someone to answer all of their questions and curb all of their searching and yearning souls.
I have met a beautiful people in the last five years--a people that have a desire to learn and create and discover and be bent and broken for incredible causes. But what breaks my heart for these people is that they are never satisfied--they are never brought to peace. No amount of justice is curbs their righteous anger. No amount of sweetness can make their heart eternally tender. No amount of love will stop their looking and no amount of wandering can cease their intense need for discovery.
That being said, one of the great things about life is that some of these things are never meant to satisfy or be satisfied--for anyone. They make life what it is. But what concerns me is when people are looking for completion here. They are looking as if "this time" or "as long as this happens in my life" or "When I get this" they will be eternally happy. But the truth is that humans were not meant to be completed by the world. Our souls are not of this world, so why do we keep searching for worldly things to complete them? Our souls are so wonderfully deep and complex and indeterminable. It is time we do them justice by fulfilling them.
I think one thing people do not consider is, where do they go after they have been satisfied? What is next? Where do they go? What is their purpose? The fact is that there can be eternally more. Once the human soul is satisfied (and satisfied well) it opens up the ability to be humbled--to be broken and mended time and time again--to be grown--to be if service to the other humans around them. I think that is why we all want satisfaction. We want to get to this sweet place where we don't yearn or want anymore--we just are.
The Lord has this power. I implore you, look into your heart and reflect its shine on your own face--bravely, daringly, and unafraid of what you might see. Where does your satisfaction come from? Where will you go after that? Are you chasing to no avail, or are you working towards a peace that surpasses all understanding?
Love is peace
Love is honesty
Love is coming to peace in brutal honesty within oneself.
And then there's life.
There is an epidemic of which I admit to being a part: a paradox of sorts.
People my age--typically college students seeking peace in their chaotic world--are doing their best to address the growing social, political, and racial issues that have arisen, ten-fold, in the past five years. There are questions of morality, right and wrong, who gets to say what and when and how, liberty, religious freedom, unreligious freedom, joy versus happiness, peace, love, war, etc. AKA everything everyone has been dealing with since the beginning of time--just that this generation is finally defining their stand.
It has been my experience and subsequent understanding that my generation wants everything, but is willing to do the least possible and experience the least amount of pain to acquire their results. Myself included. As a daughter of the modern technological age, communication has become short and simple--shamelessly ambitious in the least ambitious way--and immediate, philanthropic contribution has been mated with a self-amplifying, materialistic fad (not that I don't love my pink striped Toms), and fighting ignorance has become as simple as a Facebook post about water shortages in Africa.
Now, I apologize for how bitter sounding this essay is thus far--I do not mean to express myself forcefully. I am a part of it and I may sound extremely hypocritical. My point here is to give a greater picture so that my main topic can be affirmed in nature: this generation has been given so much privilege, so much power, and so many resources, that I honestly don't believe we are always mature enough or responsible enough to use in the way God intended it. We are a generation that has painfully accepted the mantra that comfort is not only available for those that speak loud enough, but should be a right to all.
My more pressing observation came about in college: I had the privilege of being surrounded by a wonderful, loving, and compassionate group of people. I thought wow, you know, even though not many of these people are Christians, they sure have beautiful hearts. And it is true, they do! They are intelligent, kind, caring people. I began to believe, okay, I completely understand where they are coming from, and there must be a way to integrate these beliefs with my own. However, what I did not realize--or had trouble articulating for myself--is that they do have the same beliefs, but there is one pinnacle flaw that changes it all: A flaw that will forever keep me from being able to agree with them, or somehow join their beliefs with my own so that we can all "get along". This thought of "getting along" was my mistake, and the thought that I later came to realize would be the death of my ability to go on any longer, conceding my beliefs to theirs.
Let me begin by stating the majority of beliefs I met in my first year of college:
1. Everyone should be allowed to believe what they want, no matter what anyone else says.
2. One should get to decide for themselves what path in life they will choose.
3. Nobody should do anything to hurt anyone else.
4. Nobody should be allowed to say anything that hurts anyone else, or compromises someone else's beliefs.
5. Everyone should aim for peaceful tolerance.
6. Right and wrong are a decision for oneself--as long as its not hurting anybody or making anybody uncomfortable.
7. Everybody deserves to be happy.
Seems pretty legit, right? Also, these aren't all of the beliefs, just the ones I would like to focus on today. They also may not be true for everyone; but again, just what I have picked up on.
So, one can see how I easily transitioned into this society in college. I believe in many of the core beliefs stated here: kindness, compassion, peace, I am entitled to what I believe because it is my right, etc. But here is the problem I have run into: I found myself squishing my passionate love for the Lord and His teachings because I didn't want to "offend" anyone. It is no secret that the name of the Lord carries a powerful presence--a presence not all people are fond of. It makes them aware of their apparent short comings; it makes them feel the need to recognize God's authority in my life and ask themselves why they do not recognize Him in theirs; and in many, it makes them remember every "trauma" and no good deed that came of organized Christianity in the world. They see it as a threat to their comfortability, "liberty" and self reliance. This worldview blinds them to the beautiful reward and perfect peace that can be found in a life with the Lord. But more on this later.
The aforementioned flaw is this (really, it should be the plural, these): If everyone passionately, firmly, and defiantly pursued their beliefs--their moral compass--it would be impossible for NO ONE to get hurt. Someone will come along and feel offended because one person's beliefs directly oppose their own. Second, if right and wrong are all relative and based on each person individually, we will have so many opposing forces that complete chaos would break out. Another thing: all of these believers are big on growth--"we have to grow together and help each other become better people" etcetera etcetera. But when has there EVER been growth without pain? Without conviction? Without the ah-ha moment of, "I believed this way once, but now, seeing all of these things put before me and realizing my wrongfulness through humility, and now I believe a new way-a better way,"? If everyone is constantly walking on eggshells around one another and not trying to hurt anyone or question anyone's way of life (because right and wrong is based on your and yours only moral compass) how is any of that achieved? How do people change? How does the WORLD change? I'm sorry but there is no number of Toms that will save a dying nation from poverty and depression. There is no number of Facebook posts about your opinion or Facebook links about the most recent riot in St. Louis that will get anyone off of their couch to go out and start joining together for a greater purpose to start changing Missouri. Because everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to double click their circle button and swipe up on their Facebook or news app so they can go back to Mad Men, House of Cards, and Bob's Burgers and forget about their short lived moment of inspiring conviction.
On the topic of happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment? You're just going to keep looking. The alcohol will stop working, the drugs will either hurt you or get old, the shopping will never be enough, the relationship will always leave you wanting more, and eventually you will see every part of the world that exists. Then what? Where do you go? Do you have kids? Do you advance your job? What do people say about you at your funeral? Where do you go when it's all over?
These are the questions I was left with. These were the thoughts I couldn't resolve living a life solely for myself or anything that is of this world. For me, and in my eyes, the world has absolutely nothing that can satisfy. The world has nothing that can pacify the pain, bring peace to the wars, or bring comfort to the orphans and the lost.
Christ saves. Christ comforts. And Christ fulfills our every empty vein. Formerly I mentioned that those with a worldly supplication for happiness can be blinded by the perfect peace the Lord offers in His kingdom.
I want people to know that the Lord did not come to rebuke or reprimand--He came to save. He came as a human. He came prepared to love the widow and the orphan in a way that no one before had thought of in society. Jesus came because the Lord needed someone to make people stop and think but also someone to answer all of their questions and curb all of their searching and yearning souls.
I have met a beautiful people in the last five years--a people that have a desire to learn and create and discover and be bent and broken for incredible causes. But what breaks my heart for these people is that they are never satisfied--they are never brought to peace. No amount of justice is curbs their righteous anger. No amount of sweetness can make their heart eternally tender. No amount of love will stop their looking and no amount of wandering can cease their intense need for discovery.
That being said, one of the great things about life is that some of these things are never meant to satisfy or be satisfied--for anyone. They make life what it is. But what concerns me is when people are looking for completion here. They are looking as if "this time" or "as long as this happens in my life" or "When I get this" they will be eternally happy. But the truth is that humans were not meant to be completed by the world. Our souls are not of this world, so why do we keep searching for worldly things to complete them? Our souls are so wonderfully deep and complex and indeterminable. It is time we do them justice by fulfilling them.
I think one thing people do not consider is, where do they go after they have been satisfied? What is next? Where do they go? What is their purpose? The fact is that there can be eternally more. Once the human soul is satisfied (and satisfied well) it opens up the ability to be humbled--to be broken and mended time and time again--to be grown--to be if service to the other humans around them. I think that is why we all want satisfaction. We want to get to this sweet place where we don't yearn or want anymore--we just are.
The Lord has this power. I implore you, look into your heart and reflect its shine on your own face--bravely, daringly, and unafraid of what you might see. Where does your satisfaction come from? Where will you go after that? Are you chasing to no avail, or are you working towards a peace that surpasses all understanding?
Love is peace
Love is honesty
Love is coming to peace in brutal honesty within oneself.
And then there's life.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
They That Behold The Light: For William and Maureen
"There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,
The earth, and every common sight,
To me did seem
Apparell'd in celestial light,
The glory and the freshness of a dream.
It is not now as it hath been of yore;--
Turn wheresoe'er I may
By night or day,
The things which I have seen I now can see no more.
...
Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting
and cometh from afar:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
Shades of the prison house begin to close
Upon the growing Boy,
But he beholds the light, and whence it flows,
He sees it in his joy;
The Youth, who daily farther from the east
Must travel, still is Nature's priest,
And by the vision splendid
Is on his way attended;
At length the Man perceives it die away,
And fade into the light of common day..."
--William Wordsworth's Ode: Intimations Of Immortality From Recollections of Early Childhood
I honestly can't believe the coincidentiality of this guy's last name. I mean come on, he was BORN William WORDS-WORTH?
Huh. Way to go man, way to go.
Anyway, this poem spoke leaps and bounds into my life because of my previous fairy-tale wishes. I have had the romantic and possibly silly idea that humans are souls before they are born. I have no idea if it is possible, or even if it matters, but it means so much to me. If God created me, if He knew me before I was even born, He HAD to have created me before I was sent to earth. That being said, I have thought about what I was like in heaven. I was probably quite silly, but terribly joyful. I can see it--jumping around on God's enormous lap and asking Him questions and singing songs with Him and dancing with Him in our spare time. But when I visualize this, I know that there were probably other souls there as well--to keep the children busy while God tended to important matters. When I see me with others, the first soul that pops into my head is my soulmate--my husband--whoever he may be. I can imagine we had such fun together in the sky. We didn't know yet about our lives together because we didn't care. We were excellent about "being" as they say, and living for the here and now instead of the worries and cares of life and what will happen next. I then imagine that at some point, when it was time for me to live, God took me in His arms and said "Kristianna, it is time for you to go now. But I promise, we will be together again soon." and I'm sure my response was something like, "Me? Now? But GOOOOOOOD pleeeeease just five more minutes? I promise I'll go then. Just one more song and then I'll go? I want to stay with you and with my friend! I will miss you two so!" and to that He replied, "I will be sending *Insert Name Here* very soon as well--he may already be gone, actually. But I promise I will be guiding you every step of the way, and leading you towards the rest of your life with Me. I will also make sure that you are loved, and that you and *insert name here* will meet again on earth to serve me in a new way." and with that and a precious kiss, I was sent to my mother's womb.
All of this to say, that I believe we have a life before birth, and that we know our soulmates before birth. Our lives, on earth, then, become a continual search for the Light which we knew so well in heaven; the light that is connected to God, to the purpose for our lives, to our soul mates, and to every good thing the Lord has for us on earth. A powerful light.
My grandparents, Bill and Maureen, just celebrated their 50th year of marriage on September 11th. I don't know about you, but to me that is one of life's most incredible feats, but also one of its most cherished joys. I believe it takes two people that are divinely inspired and drawn towards each other to achieve such a strong marriage. In this day with the rising divorce rate, it is clear that this is hard to come by. But, what I believe is the key, is two individuals that have committed their lives to Christ and His purposes for their lives. If we are confident in the light that comes from Him--the light that we were first created under--we will become stewards of that light. We will search for it and honor it and respect it. We will thirst and hunger for more of it because it is the core of who we are, and who we were always meant to be. To me, Bill and Maureen have conquered, as the poem reads, the "Shades of the prison house." They have realized that the world can become a dark, dark place for those who search for the light. The key, however, is to seek the Lord's joy, find the Lord's joy, understand it and be able to recognize it when it comes. Again, as the poem reads, "But he beholds the light, and whence it flows,/He sees it in his joy;" And, if two people can understand this concept as they grow, their ability to serve the kingdom of God grows exponentially. While we are young and we learn what it looks like to serve God as individuals with individual callings, we learn how to draw strength from Him. We learn how to pray and live a life worthy of the Light that lives within us. Our purpose here is service, yes? Therefore, everything in our lives must reflect that--including our relationships with our spouses. We become one with the man or woman God has chosen for us, and learn to serve Him in a new way. We take what we have learned as individuals, and combine it into one single purpose. Then, as the couple grows as one, they seek new wisdom, new kinds of faith, and conquer new trials. All of this, to bring Glory to God.
From what I have seen, Bill and Maureen have lived and are still living a life worthy of this calling. They have both led beautiful lives prior to their marriage. Now they have raised two wonderful children (one of which is my fantastic mother), and are incredible grandparents to eight grandchildren. They are examples in Christ-likeness, grace, forgiveness, kindness, giving, compassion, delight, and joy. Bill and Maureen are some of the most hospitable and compassionate people I know. Just this past weekend they invited me and my best friend into their home and told us of their adventures with the people they meet and the experiences they have. They truly know how to make individuals and families feel precious and purposed. Their belief and encouragement to me, personally, have been an enormous blessing. And yet, through all of this, they have managed to keep a joyful, loving, and sweet, sweet marriage between them. This is what it looks like when God's plans are brought to fruition on earth: The beautiful product of His glory and goodness in the world. I praise the Lord for my grandparents today, and all the lessons they are teaching me.
One day, I know that I will meet the precious soul that the Lord had to separate me from as if He were separating the ocean from the land. And when we become like one and fulfill the Lord's purpose for our life, I hope we will continue this line of God-guided marriages as they are so perfectly represented in one such as Bill and Maureen's. May His glory be continued.
Love is searching.
Love is finding.
Love is understanding.
Love is Light.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
To What Art Thou Called?
Authenticity: The daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be, and embracing who we are.
Authenticity is a word I often deem sophisticated and controlled. But what if it, in fact, means the opposite?
Recently, I have invited my shadows to dance--invited my disorders, my mental illnesses as the world so fondly refers to them, to co-exist in my life with me. What I have found is simply astounding: The child, the curiouser, the flower whisperer and the adventure seeker, has resurfaced in resplendent tenacity.
What was the game changer, you might ask? Honestly, I just stopped trying to control them all. I'm doing my best to, instead of push them away or pack them into a box, feel them and accept them and move on. I am under no assumption that they will ever leave me--I know that they are things I will deal with for the rest of my life. So why have I been trying to control them and mold them into a sidekick?
My understanding of recovery is not about defeat. Recovery is about taking that part of who you are (yes, your mind is a part of you) and making it into something that you recognize, educate yourself on, and then put to rest using what you have learned. You tell it that it is not allowed to destroy or define you any longer. You look at it and say, I recognize your existence, but that does not give you power over my life. The Lord is the only power over my life, and He will not permit anything to weigh down or damage the spirit He has freely given. Through this process, the disorder becomes a part of my story. It cannot be erased or changed, but it can be recognized and learned from. It may resurface at times, but now that I can see it for what it is, I can deal with it knowledgeably and efficiently.
The child disappeared when I decided to doing everything on my own and control every aspect of my life.I had a reason for everything, an explanation for everything, a plan for everything. I could not simply enjoy today without worrying about tomorrow and the days after. My imagination was constantly crowded by the barricade of harsh reality.
That is not what I am called to--I am called to vibrancy and light; joy and freedom. Imagination and wonder. I have the mind of CHRIST! Does the mind of Christ limit itself to anxiety, fear, doubt, material success, worldly expectation? No. It fortunately does not. Once I realized this, the child came back to me. I learned again what it means to look at the clouds in unrefined awe. I can look at a flower and appreciate that yes, it will die, and yes, it is just a part of the earth, but it is a part of God's earth. It is a breathtaking representation of humanity--a simple flower can speak poetic truth about the world. As can trees and human behavior and rivers and skies and stars. The Lord calls us to curiosity about His world. He calls us to abundant thoughts and prayers and conversation with Him and with others to experience the fullness of life in Him.
So, unto the question of "authenticity": this word and its action in my life can never be controlled by me. I have given it up and I have let it go. It is time to rest--time to be.
My authenticity is now defined by the God who directs my path and my spirit.
Love is rest.
Love is freedom.
Love is letting go.
Therefore, Love is always and undoubtedly
the rest found in the freedom of letting go to just...well...
Be.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
R O M A N C E
I bet 73% of you saw this title and thought, "Oh goodie! Kristianna is going to talk about her love life!"
Made ya look.
There's something beautiful about chemistry. The fact that people can merely be in the vicinity of one another and feel a gravitational pull just blows my mind.
What use can we make out of this feeling?
I am sad to admit that myself, and if I may be so bold as to speak for many others my age, feel the need to act upon this feeling whenever it occurs--whether that be in pursuit, confrontation, or even nullifying the experience. By no means am I saying that this is wrong, but I think we forget that there are other options. How come we can't just see the feeling, accept it, and grow upon that fondness? How come we must perceive it as a means to woo? It scares me that because I forget to consider these options, I could miss out on an enlightening and important acquaintanceship.
I would like to point out that the word "romance" does not have to be an adjective associated only with attraction. Nor does it have to include two people. Yes, the first definition that comes up on Google is "associated with love," but even then, love has so many different forms that romance can build upon. I am doing my best recently not to look at life with such a pigeon-holed view. To me, romance has come to be associated with sentimentalism, nostalgia, the art of extracting happiness from common things, adventure, and pureness of heart. I'm finding that living a romantic life is about living a life worthy of a smile--worthy of a sweet recognition that simplicity is beautiful and grand gestures of affection towards others, the self, the earth, and the Lord are a unique perspective that can open one's eyes to a life worthy of poetry and artful experiences. Living every day like one is painting an intimate and intricate picture can be liberating and joyful.
So, when two people come across one another and there is a clear sense of chemistry and fondness, why not share these things? Why not discuss and experience together a romance that is innocent and whose only goal is to learn and grow? I find great peace in this option. It makes me smile only to think about the joy that could come out of living life in this way. It reminds me of my childhood--how I would get up every day, see that the sun was out, and go outside to play, waiting for someone to come along. I didn't look for them or expect them to show up. I just went on my own romantic way, playing pretend and collecting every flower I saw. And when one did come along, no questions crossed my mind of "What does this person mean to me? Where will this relationship go? Do they like me?" No, I only played with them. I only sought joy and laughter, and to welcome them into my happiness.
Love is romance, but we need not be so narrow minded as to assume romance has only one goal.
Love is challenging me to change my experiences, and appreciate them in the most innocent yet knowledgeable way.
Love is always more than we think.
Made ya look.
There's something beautiful about chemistry. The fact that people can merely be in the vicinity of one another and feel a gravitational pull just blows my mind.
What use can we make out of this feeling?
I am sad to admit that myself, and if I may be so bold as to speak for many others my age, feel the need to act upon this feeling whenever it occurs--whether that be in pursuit, confrontation, or even nullifying the experience. By no means am I saying that this is wrong, but I think we forget that there are other options. How come we can't just see the feeling, accept it, and grow upon that fondness? How come we must perceive it as a means to woo? It scares me that because I forget to consider these options, I could miss out on an enlightening and important acquaintanceship.
I would like to point out that the word "romance" does not have to be an adjective associated only with attraction. Nor does it have to include two people. Yes, the first definition that comes up on Google is "associated with love," but even then, love has so many different forms that romance can build upon. I am doing my best recently not to look at life with such a pigeon-holed view. To me, romance has come to be associated with sentimentalism, nostalgia, the art of extracting happiness from common things, adventure, and pureness of heart. I'm finding that living a romantic life is about living a life worthy of a smile--worthy of a sweet recognition that simplicity is beautiful and grand gestures of affection towards others, the self, the earth, and the Lord are a unique perspective that can open one's eyes to a life worthy of poetry and artful experiences. Living every day like one is painting an intimate and intricate picture can be liberating and joyful.
So, when two people come across one another and there is a clear sense of chemistry and fondness, why not share these things? Why not discuss and experience together a romance that is innocent and whose only goal is to learn and grow? I find great peace in this option. It makes me smile only to think about the joy that could come out of living life in this way. It reminds me of my childhood--how I would get up every day, see that the sun was out, and go outside to play, waiting for someone to come along. I didn't look for them or expect them to show up. I just went on my own romantic way, playing pretend and collecting every flower I saw. And when one did come along, no questions crossed my mind of "What does this person mean to me? Where will this relationship go? Do they like me?" No, I only played with them. I only sought joy and laughter, and to welcome them into my happiness.
Love is romance, but we need not be so narrow minded as to assume romance has only one goal.
Love is challenging me to change my experiences, and appreciate them in the most innocent yet knowledgeable way.
Love is always more than we think.
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Valentine's Day Post One of Many Because Let's Face It, It Really Should Be Every Day
I honestly cannot believe I didn't find time to write this post on Valentine's Day. It must have been because I was entirely too caught up in the day itself to do so.
Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. Shocker, I know. However, it is not because it is a day about chocolate, a day about surprises, or a day about your significant other. I admire valentine's day because it is a day set aside for love. Love in all forms.
I have found comfort recently in giving. I know that there is a significant part of me that is always wanting, always needing, always having the desire to be Loved or feel Loved or experience Love. The problem with this is that I can get so caught up in it that I forget what Love is. Love is not self seeking. It is not envious. It does not boast. It is not proud. I need desperately to remember that Love is needed just as much to be received as it is to be given, and that it is so much bigger than receiving and giving. That is why I love Valentine's Day. It reminds me to admire Love in everything that it is to me.
How incredible is it that humanity knows affection? It knows pain? It knows joy? We have created this word: Love. It is often called the greatest human pursuit, the greatest human perplexity, and the greatest human downfall. We talk of it so often and say it drives so much that we do, and yet we never cease to try and understand it. So many of us brush it off, we take it for granted, we think of it in ideals as opposed to accepting every side of it. I hold great sadness in my heart for what "love" has come to mean for many people in my life. For some it is a source of pain. For some it is an anomaly that has come to permanently elude them. Some have intentionally eluded it altogether.
Here is my charge: I challenge the world to view Love courageously. Look at it, and do not only see what you wish to see, but see it with a whole heart and an open mind. I'm not just discussing intimacy--I mean Love. Go back through my posts and try to see Love in all of these different ways. What would that change about you? Would it make you a more widely accepting person? Would it make you a more wise person? Would it shed light on the darkest and most mysterious areas of your life? Love is a daunting task to discover. We may not like what we find. We may feel exposed and convicted. But in so many ways can that liberate us.
What would it look like if you woke up every morning and instead of choosing joy--happiness--sadness--anger--motivation--pursuit--desire---you chose love? You chose to discover Love?
"Sometimes, the heart sees what is invisible to the eye."
Through Love we have a limitless ability to see within ourselves, to see within others, and to see within our lives and how they connect fully and deeply to one another. Love should never be stagnant or waiting--it should always be growing and moving and shaping us into the people we were meant to be. It is a verb just as much as it is a noun, ladies and gentlemen.
If, at the end of your life, you were put on trial, being convicted of "Love", would there be enough evidence to proclaim you guilty as charged? How would you explain yourself? What would you present as the key piece of evidence that shows you knew Love, were Love, discovered Love?
The reason I say all of these things is because recently I have developed a difficult sadness. I say difficult only because it is difficult in its complexity. I was not sure what it was that was troubling me, or making me feel dissatisfied with this point in my life. However, the more that I think about it, I realize that it is because Love has been displaced in my life. It has taken a backseat to anxiety, worry, obligation, busyness, stress--the list can go on. I realize that I have not taken the time to appreciate discovery in my life--to appreciate the beautiful journey I have set upon by pursuing Love here. Someone once said to me, "Joy is found in extracting the happiness from common things." I used to view life with a joyful simplicity--taking it day by day, step by step, moment to moment. But, in the days recently, I have shifted my view to the future. I have burdened myself and clouded my heart's desire for learning and growth and joy with unnecessary and painfully temporary matters. Valentine's Day made me realize how much I had changed in that regard. It made me wonder, why am I not living every day for Love? For discovery? For the breathtaking simplicity that comes with clever observation and intimate scrutiny?
Now is the time to shift my view. And, praise the Lord, I am sure this is not the last time I will be in need of refocusing.
Love is daily. Love is always. Love is never ending as long as you keep discovering.
Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. Shocker, I know. However, it is not because it is a day about chocolate, a day about surprises, or a day about your significant other. I admire valentine's day because it is a day set aside for love. Love in all forms.
I have found comfort recently in giving. I know that there is a significant part of me that is always wanting, always needing, always having the desire to be Loved or feel Loved or experience Love. The problem with this is that I can get so caught up in it that I forget what Love is. Love is not self seeking. It is not envious. It does not boast. It is not proud. I need desperately to remember that Love is needed just as much to be received as it is to be given, and that it is so much bigger than receiving and giving. That is why I love Valentine's Day. It reminds me to admire Love in everything that it is to me.
How incredible is it that humanity knows affection? It knows pain? It knows joy? We have created this word: Love. It is often called the greatest human pursuit, the greatest human perplexity, and the greatest human downfall. We talk of it so often and say it drives so much that we do, and yet we never cease to try and understand it. So many of us brush it off, we take it for granted, we think of it in ideals as opposed to accepting every side of it. I hold great sadness in my heart for what "love" has come to mean for many people in my life. For some it is a source of pain. For some it is an anomaly that has come to permanently elude them. Some have intentionally eluded it altogether.
Here is my charge: I challenge the world to view Love courageously. Look at it, and do not only see what you wish to see, but see it with a whole heart and an open mind. I'm not just discussing intimacy--I mean Love. Go back through my posts and try to see Love in all of these different ways. What would that change about you? Would it make you a more widely accepting person? Would it make you a more wise person? Would it shed light on the darkest and most mysterious areas of your life? Love is a daunting task to discover. We may not like what we find. We may feel exposed and convicted. But in so many ways can that liberate us.
What would it look like if you woke up every morning and instead of choosing joy--happiness--sadness--anger--motivation--pursuit--desire---you chose love? You chose to discover Love?
"Sometimes, the heart sees what is invisible to the eye."
Through Love we have a limitless ability to see within ourselves, to see within others, and to see within our lives and how they connect fully and deeply to one another. Love should never be stagnant or waiting--it should always be growing and moving and shaping us into the people we were meant to be. It is a verb just as much as it is a noun, ladies and gentlemen.
If, at the end of your life, you were put on trial, being convicted of "Love", would there be enough evidence to proclaim you guilty as charged? How would you explain yourself? What would you present as the key piece of evidence that shows you knew Love, were Love, discovered Love?
The reason I say all of these things is because recently I have developed a difficult sadness. I say difficult only because it is difficult in its complexity. I was not sure what it was that was troubling me, or making me feel dissatisfied with this point in my life. However, the more that I think about it, I realize that it is because Love has been displaced in my life. It has taken a backseat to anxiety, worry, obligation, busyness, stress--the list can go on. I realize that I have not taken the time to appreciate discovery in my life--to appreciate the beautiful journey I have set upon by pursuing Love here. Someone once said to me, "Joy is found in extracting the happiness from common things." I used to view life with a joyful simplicity--taking it day by day, step by step, moment to moment. But, in the days recently, I have shifted my view to the future. I have burdened myself and clouded my heart's desire for learning and growth and joy with unnecessary and painfully temporary matters. Valentine's Day made me realize how much I had changed in that regard. It made me wonder, why am I not living every day for Love? For discovery? For the breathtaking simplicity that comes with clever observation and intimate scrutiny?
Now is the time to shift my view. And, praise the Lord, I am sure this is not the last time I will be in need of refocusing.
Love is daily. Love is always. Love is never ending as long as you keep discovering.
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