Some days, a girl can realize just how blessed she is.
We just finished an amazing run of The Sound of Music, and now I'm getting to sit back, relax and soak it all in. Let me tell you a little something about playing Maria in the Sound of Music. It is an extremely humbling experience. To portray someone who is absolutely sweeter, more generous, kind, loving, completely committed to the Lord and His plan in her life, is completely an inhuman experience. It is almost spiritual. I live to play roles like Maria. She teaches a girl about herself in so many different ways. At the beginning, i knew that i would be touched by her, but i didn't know exactly in what way. my assumption was that i would be humbled by her, that i would be enamored with who she was. And the truth is, she did do these things, but also much more. As i got to know her and characterized her in my way, I wanted to make her mine--i did not want to be Julie Andrews, nor Mary Martin. Even though i respected their interpretations, who wants to see a repeat of what they've already seen and known for so many years? This was a challenge. It kind of made me look within myself. And honestly, we all have a bit of Maria inside of us. we just have to summon that bit up and put it all together. To begin, what was natural was for me to play her like Julie did, very sophisticated and loving, seeming held together and somewhat wistful. But Ms. Corvera helped me dig her out, i realized she was leaps and bounds more playful than Julie Andrews gave her credit for. Don't get me wrong, Julie Andrews encompassed the woman that took the world by storm and filled our days with songs of joy and laughter and kindness. but my interpretation of Maria (again with a little help from my wonderful directors and colleagues) is that she is just a child. she wasn't really all that put together, but she was wistful and beautiful and a beautiful mess that many teenagers find themselves in. They know what is right to do, and what they are supposed to do, but they have a hard time believing that that is what their calling is. all the while they subconsciously live trying to make what is "right" into what is in the true desires of their hearts.
The interesting part of this is that going into the show i wanted to be a performer. I was dead set on getting my BFA in musical theatre and that was that. However, as the show went on, in my real life, i was getting scared of it. I realized i had no reason for what i wanted. I had no drive. i knew that's what i wanted because i felt like thats what i was supposed to do--it made the most sense. Ive been doing theatre for ten years, why stop now? but what was eating at me was all of the expectations, who i grew up with, my practical values, and ultimately the fear of getting a job after college. i began to question myself, asking myself why in the world did i want to do something like this when i have a passion for anything else? i asked, why do this over teaching? then i realized that getting a degree in teaching wouldn't require any three-part auditions that scared me to death, it opened up many other options for school choices, and i would be able to guarantee paying off my student loans directly out of college. Now, when i had this epiphany, i had just gotten back from a trip to Nashville to see family--lots of family that didnt know how practical a degree in the arts really was. Every time i was asked "what do you want to do in college?" -- "well…" *cue hesitation and brace for unapproving look* "I want to get my BFA in performance." -- "Oh…" i heard them say in my head. So after i came home from a trip like this, i said to myself, wait a second, i don't have to get my degree in performance! i could be a teacher! and that was that. in two seconds flat my whole life plan had changed. Now i know what you're thinking "ANNA NO ANNA NO" yes. i do know. now let me give you some insight into something that happens to me when i make a bad decision but feel like its the right one: I get this slight pang of uncomfortability in my chest. it is VERY slight, but its there. i have the feeling when something impactful happens in my life based on the situation I'm in. call it intuition, the Holy Spirit moving in me, karma, whatever you want. But it's there. why i NEVER listen to it? i have no idea. i guess i feel like it looks good, so its okay if it doesn't feel good. but nevertheless, i immediately called and sent emails and changed all of my audition plans. every single one. i changed the course of my life in little over 24 hours. notice i said nothing to Mrs. Lamb and Mrs. Corvera.
Now, back to Maria. so i continued on, thinking "YES! i feel complete now! my life feels so much more secure and settled!" and i was especially happy, feeling like i could now play Maria without my own doubts getting into my head about who i was and who i was going to be. Because honestly, how can you accurately portray someone else if you really don't know who you are? Anyways, i felt happy with my interpretation of Maria, because i said "yes, how wonderful, she's a teacher, I'm going to be a teacher, we know each other. this is good." and of course i was missing the whole point. eerily inside of me, i felt unsettled about my interpretation. i was stuttering lines, not singing well, felt awkward on stage. but i thought i was just tired. i didn't realize it was because my soul was upset. but because i didn't tell anyone about my decision to switch majors,i couldn't very well get feedback on it, now could i. so the show went on. i started applying to colleges, auditioning in theatre and music education areas, feeling pretty good about myself. But then show month came along.
i was quickly realizing that this would be my last harrah, if i chose the teaching degree i did. but no matter, i thought. ten years is enough. but i was experiencing some things at home in myself that i did not like. something was unsettled inside of me. something was eating at me. something was grabbing at my soul. i would go to rehearsals and feel exhausted when i finished. i would feel stressed out beyond my capacity. Maria was wearing me out because i was experiencing so much inner turmoil, instead of the peace that she symbolizes. but i couldn't feel why. i thought, "I'm doing whats best in the long run. everyone will be proud of me for being a teacher. this is okay this is okay. this is what God wants me to do." then i had a panic attack. clear as day on a Thursday morning i lost it. i cried and cried and cried and i didn't know what to do. i left school. didn't come back for two days. missed rehearsals. felt sick. i got calls and texts from my wonderful cast wishing me well. but it was all too much. i was paralyzed by the storm brewing in my heart and in my head. i didn't know what was happening. thankfully i got a lot of support from my dad and mom, urging me to take breaks and be rested. i always get a little irritable and stressed this time of year--is what we all thought. we thought "this is normal. its just the show and school." when i went back after almost a week of not being at rehearsal, i felt like i could now have a better chance of getting a flow with Maria. But it was still rough to start. i felt like i wasn't connecting with her--like i was just going through the motions. what i didn't realize was that i wasn't connecting with her because i was being someone else. i was being trying to fit Maria's beautiful story into someone who wasn't as brave as she was. into someone who truly was "maria before she met the VonTrapp Family". Then came opening night.
For the first time i connected with her. i felt the audience feedback and love and energy and i was revitalized. i realized why i was there in the first place. I felt complete with her. i couldn't tell you what it was that happened though honestly. maybe it was that i found the joy in myself that i needed to give to her. maybe it was the thrill of being in front of an audience again. maybe it was the encouragement i was receiving from my loving company. And if you read my post "An Opening Night Brings Much Philosophy" you may have some insight into the magic that happens on these nights. But what began my soul finding was Friday night. I was excited about learning about Maria and seeing who we were together and i really felt like i was learning about who i am as a performer with her. But Friday night Bettymom came to see the show. Now, if you've read any of my previous posts about Bettymom, you would know that she is one of my truest inspirations. We've been through so much together, and so much i have learned is because i was blessed with her as my grandmother. she is my Maria. However, if you know her you would know that she is probably the most practical and opinionated woman in our family. She knows what is best for everyone. Very long ago, she was a very big opposer to my aspirations to be a performer. When i told her i was to be a music teacher she was thrilled and relieved. Much like many of my other family members and friends who cared about me. but Saturday morning, i woke up early after the show that night, unexpectedly. Bettymom had seen the show the night before, so she was staying in my room with me. she was awake when i woke up so suddenly. We were talking about the show, and she said something i never thought she would ever say: "Anna, really, you are very talented. I think you should really pursue this." -- "……..What?" Did i hear this? did Bettymom just give me advice to do something that was unreliable? i was in shock… but i was still unphased. i couldn't be phased…i was deathly afraid of it. that would mean many things… many things i did not want to think were possible.
I got ready for the saturday night show, and i realized everything happening around me. I paid special attention to my makeup and looked myself in the eyes many times. I looked at myself in amazement. not vainly, just in the sense that i had no idea who i was looking at. Where had i gone?
When the show ended, i felt it was the best performance i had EVER given. i was free and happy and enamored with my cast. i was SO proud of the performance we gave. SO proud. there were many people that came to see me that night, and i felt so blessed by it. as i came out of the dressing room, i ran into Mr. Mooney (the policeman at my school). He and a couple others were standing around me, asking me what i was going to do next year for college and my career choice. I told them i was thinking education. the strangest thing happened. Chris Aman says, "Oh… well you'll be good at that." somewhat bittersweetly. i almost felt kind of embarrassed to say so. Then they went away and Mooney stayed. "Why aren't you performing?" -- "Well, because i feel like its a little more practical. and i don't think I'm cut out for it. i don't think i could make a living performing." and out of nowhere Ms. Corvera comes. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it must have been something along the lines of implying that i was wrong, and that i could do it if i wanted to. It must have, because i was immediately in awe. Does Ms. Corvera (also a VERY realistic and honest woman) think that i could really do this? is that what she wished i would do? I tried ardently to get her to tell me. I asked her if that was what she thinks i should do, if that would be a smart idea, if she really thought i could make it if i tried. and then she said to me… "You have to find the life you were born to live."
Now if any of you don't know, that is the famous line that Mother Abbess says to Maria when she has run away from the VonTrapp home because she was scared of the passion and love she felt for the family. She knew she was supposed to be a nun, so it scared her that she was in love with something else.
I was in shock. I was scared. i was breathless. i went out to my car to make my way to Denny's (tradition) and I began to sob. i couldn't even open my car door. Jasmine Webber came over and prayed for me.. Darling girl. I cried and cried and cried and yelled to the Lord while i was driving the car. I screamed i didn't know what to do. Dramatic, i know. can you blame me?
But truly! i felt my life had been turned upside down. Here in the midst of my plans the Lord had TWO people i respect and adore telling me to chase my dreams. I woke the next morning to complete peace. you know that feeling you get on a Sunday morning when you wake and the whole house is just quiet…silence…peace. the sun shines in from the window and you feel the sheets under your feet and you stretch and listen. then i began to cry. i didn't know why i was crying. my last high school show? my goodbye to what had helped mold and shape me as a performer? my last show ever? was i making the wrong choice? i got up and got a shower. these days are the ones where you are extremely aware of everything that you felt and experienced. i spent extra time in the shower, feeling the warm on my back and through my hair. after the shower i went out into my silent living room and put on a pot of tea. no one was awake. then my mom came upstairs… she asked if i was alright. we talked a little bit. she asked me how the shows had been--she hadn't been to one yet. we were both very quiet. then i began to cry..she held me…and we talked about what i was feeling. then she started to cry to. she said she felt like she was saying goodbye to my time in Pattonville Theatre just as much as i was. she said maybe the reason she hadn't gone yet was because she didn't want it to end. neither did i.
I got to the theatre for call and my darling Sarah was there, silently putting on her makeup in the midst of the chaos of that silly dressing room. When i saw her my eyes welled up…she said she was crying all day too. of course we were. This is what brought us together. Two of the most opposite, unlikely friends the world could ask for, and our common ground was that stage. I thanked the Lord for my sweet darling Sarah.
As the show went on, i was praying to the Lord to give me a sign. Give me something. Give me clarity and guidance. Then the scene came. the scene where Sarah sang Climb Ev'ry Mountain to me as Mother Abbess. As i walked onto the stage to wait, i had a realization: This scene wasn't about Maria anymore. this scene was about me. Mother Abbess asks "Maria why did they send you back?" and i said "I was frightened. I felt, i never felt that way before. But i knew here i would be away from it. Here i would be safe." I realized that i was running towards teaching because i knew it was safe. Away from the world of performing and uncertainty. Here's a little insight into EXACTLY what i was thinking at that point during the show:
MA: "Maria, are you in love with Captain VonTrapp?" ( Are you in love with performing?)
MARIA: "I don't know, i don't know." (I DONT KNOW!)
MA: "Tell me about it my child."
MARIA: "Brigitta said that i…that her father was in love with me…" (I do love performing and it makes me breathless every time i do it and i don't know what to do. I knew i couldn't stay once i saw i loved it so much.)
MA: But do you like him, Maria?
MARIA: "Oh yes!" (OH YES!)
MA: Did you let him see how you felt? (did you feel that way when you were performing?)
MARIA: "If i did i didn't know that i did. i knew that i was there on God's errand. To have asked for the Captain's love would have been wrong." (i did, but i felt like it wasn't what God wanted me to do. i felt like it wasn't practical, it wasn't safe, and i felt like i wouldn't be living with a Godly purpose but an earthly purpose. I felt like God gave me these gifts to perform, but to use them to be famous or make a living would be wrong. I feel like He would want me to spread my gifts instead of keep them to myself.)
MA: "…My child, you have a great capacity to love. What you must find out is, how does God want you to spend your love." (God will love you no matter what you do. Of course He has plans, but He has put a desire inside of you that will fulfill His purpose. You need to follow the desires of your heart. You have a great capacity to be involved in the theatrical world, you just have to find out what exactly God wants you to do with it.)
MARIA: "Ive pledged my life to God, I've pledged my life to God's service." (Ive decided to be a teacher. Ive pledged my life to doing that in God's will. I feel like that's what He wants, that's what I'm supposed to do. I feel like He wants me to spread my gifts to other people, and to keep them to myself would be wrong.)
MA: "My daughter, if you love this man, it does not mean you love God less. You must find out. You must go back." (Just because you love the desires the Lord put in your heart doesn't mean you love Him less. Just because you chase these dreams doesnt mean you can't chase Him at the same time. He gave you these gifts so you could use them, and He knows that you will always love Him and that you want to please Him. You have to give your dreams a chance. You have to see what He will do with your gifts.)
MARIA: "No Reverend Mother please let me stay here. Please!" (No! I'm scared! i want to feel safe and do what i know for sure of!)
MA: "These walls were not meant to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to find the life you were born to live." (Education majors were not meant for people who would rather do than teach. It is for people who want to teach with all their hearts above anything else. You have to face your dreams. You have to find the life you were born to live.)
MARIA: "But how do i find it?" (But how do i chase my dreams without failing? How do i know for sure that's what I'm supposed to do??)
MA: "Look for it." (Take a chance. Do it. If you fail you fail and you can always turn around. But you have to find out for yourself what is your purpose. And if you Don't try, you'll never know. "
Now many of you may wonder how i was thinking those things and acting at the same time. Oh, trust me, Mrs. D knew exactly what i was thinking the whole time. And when i started to cry, she knew. And i knew too. I knew exactly what i was supposed to do. I had to give my dreams a chance.
So basically that's my long way of saying that Maria didn't just teach me to be humbled or enamored tin her. She taught me much more than that: Maria taught me that even though you may feel like one way is right, and true, and it makes the most sense, and it pleases the most people, and it guarantees a future, and it keeps you the safest, it doesn't mean that that way is the right way to go. Maria taught me that sometimes your biggest enemy can be yourself. It can be your own foolish way of thinking. I learned to trust myself. I learned the reason i have to take a chance. Maria followed her dreams, she followed her heart. She is the prime example of the saying that "When man plans, the Lord laughs." Because He does. We need to know that we can't predict His plan. And just because we love the pure passions and bright desires the Lord places in our hearts, doesn't mean we love Him less. We can chase after the Lord while we chase after our dreams. Because as long as He is at the forefront of our brains and hearts and ambitions, we will not fail. And He will not fail us.
We have to find the life we were born to live.
Thank you Maria.
