I Like Listening To Others' Definitions Too

On Letting Go... "About a year ago, I was talking to an artist friend of mine about inspiration, and where it comes from. Throughout most of my life, I have never been able to answer that question, but I can easily answer that, now. And it was because of something a young girl (maybe 11 or 12 years old) said to me at my first gallery exhibit..."It's like you are in love with being in love". During the first couple of years of my life as a photographer, I could not have told you exactly what it is that inspires me...but that little girl instantly shed light on the truth behind my work...and I have never forgotten her words. There is no substitution for the pure honesty of a child. As time went by, I could not help but ponder the truth of her statement. "Love" is such a broad-reaching & nebulous term, so I began to look very closely at "what is love", to me. And I soon became very aware of what facets of love inspire me... I've been a very fortunate man, in that the 3 relationships I've had over the last 5 years were with women I simply had to photograph every day. We created art. Together. Truth-be-told, the majority of my work you see here on DA was produced with the 3 aforementioned women. The layer of reality & intimacy in the photos we created was undeniable. You simply cannot fake that...and it was exactly this that I fell in love with. This was my introduction to photography. I quickly became addicted to having a muse. To photograph someone I love...and someone that loves me. It is a powerfully-addicting drug, believe me. I've never been the same, since. What I call "art" comes from a very deep place inside of me...and to share that with someone means letting them into that place, with no restrictions. The bond between the two of us is infinitely deeper, as a result. But as I've said before: such great joy is often paid for with a parallel sorrow. Everything changes, eventually. Nothing lasts forever. And after that train has wrecked into a crumpled mess on the tracks, it's time to pay the price. For me, it is absolutely eviscerating to lose that fountain of inspiration. I think because she and I have been to such a deep & profound place together, it takes much, much longer to climb back to the surface...and it doesn't help, knowing that the climb up has to be done alone. Yet, despite the soul-numbing pain with which I pay for the joy I knew, and the art we would create together, I have never regretted climbing aboard that disaster-bound train. Eventually, and always, I get back in-line for more. It is purely for cathartic reasons that I write all of this. Only just today, after a year of healing, I can finally let go of her. To let go of the sad things, and the bad things, and the painful memories. I can focus solely on my good memories of her...and to smile again. It's much better this way. Thank you for reading my little cathartic diatribe, here...I love you guys"

--Unknown

An Extremely Heart-Wrenching Thing

this is my confession...

it is an extremely sad thing when passion is shot down by fear. And an even worse thing when that passion is not defended by the person eliciting it.

Ive backed down again, i must admit. Ive let fear get in the way of defending the one thing that's saved my life. But, i guess i just dont believe in public quarrelling. to me, it is a childish thing: to argue in a place where everyone can see and read it. and those who participate in it are a childish people (debate being a different story, of course). if replying literally twice deems me childish, so be it; i wont be a hypocrite. maybe someday ill grow up and have the courage to fight back, and not let people bully me into quieting down about what i believe in.
i guess im just bothered because, do i react to other people's occasionally offensive, questionable statements? i do not. i say to myself, "that's their opinion. ill keep mine to myself, because i know they'll be offended if i put in my two cents. and they deserve to say what they wish." however, i do not acquire the same respect unfortunately... all im asking for is agreement to disagree, and we can get on with our lives. someday, you'll understand my passion. someday, ill have the courage to defend it, whether it means losing friends or not.
someday, the world will see Love.

Love's passion fights, no matter the consequences.

Something That Went Through My Head Freshmen Year

This was something i wrote in my big eco-friendly journal freshmen year... i thought it was interesting.

3/11/10

there are a few kinds of people in the world. Some are mathematical, some are psychological, and some, are musical. One thing you can tell about truly passionate music people, is the way speak. can one be truly passinate about music and not have music in their voice? absolutely. However, there are some of those spiritually gifted people that God has chosen to give a speaking voice of music to. Maddison Sportsman and Joshua Eldridge are the first people i have ever noticed who have music actually in their speaking voices. I am replaying their voices in my head, and they truly speak GOD's creation of music. I thought, besides that, what sets them apart from my other musical friends? What are they doing that makes them so different? They know God. They truly want God's will for their lives. They want to take music, and show people that God had always intended it for good. They show the true beauty and wonder of God's creation of music. I imagine Josh and Maddie speak like Jesus does. We are made to run after the image of Christ Himself, yes? they are doing that! and, without their knowledge, He is making Himself known in their everyday voices! Jesus' voice, i picture, is the sweetest, purest, most harmonic sound in the existence of the world. For Maddie and Josh to be blessed with just a fraction of that is truly inspiring. Jesus' voice itself is something i look forward to hearing when i get to heaven... It gives me hope. I pray, in time, I will learn to sing praises as they do, but in my own way.


Love is musical.

Here's To You

Mystery
Arrogance
Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms
Through your defaulted face you wear with pride
Your stares ne'er stray to a side
But then your eye lingers, i catch you, and so
It begins

He has distracted me thus far
So when you ask me to dance
The anger does nothing but swell
I can't say no

We dance, dance, dance
In this minor trance we are deserted

Here's to screaming
Here's to yelling
Here's to falling so hard on my face
Here's to you
Disappearing without a trace

I don't understand
I never understood
You fought against your judgement?
The i love you's come quick
My disdainful side takes over
So i realize what ive lost
Your eyes, blue bullets, shot me deep

Ill miss your touch
But you wont
                  come
                        back.

To Escape

sometimes, the words, "to escape." or "run away." are the most comforting words ive ever heard. not only do they remind me of my former life, my rebellion, and how far ive come since then, but they give me hope for a new future. sometimes i get in these states and i dont know what to do. i want to lose myself in something. i frantically search to find that passion that i havent heard or seen in such a long time. sometimes i even consider the literal meaning of those words i stated before. but often, its right there in front of me. to dance, to sing, to act in front of other people, or even to physically run away from things has always been a form of my soul's escape. but escape is so often thought of as something that will get a reaction out of other people. its something new, something note worthy, something people will talk about and you will get attention for. but what if "to escape." or "run away." meant something else? something soley for the soul's refuge and purpose. what if those words mean doing something for yourself that gives you a hope. something that doesnt come with applause or admiration or uplifting words. i find that i use the words "To escape." or "run away." when im feeling empty...and singing, dancing, acting, and running from my problems can fill that void for a little while, but only for an alotted time. (of course, i know nothing but the Love from my Lord can really completely fill that void, but bear with me for a minute.)
the soul is something to be filled with things that are not of this world. they cannot be touched or seen; only felt and experienced. there is a strange release i get from writing something on paper that no eyes will ever see but mine. when i go into my room and close the door, and listen to my body speak to me, movements come over me that i wouldnt be able to produce in front of people. but because im giving my body, or, my soul, a chance to speak its mind freely, i find refuge in a completely new world. if i find myself laying in bed on a silent night, and the silence becomes so loud and overwhelming that it reminds me of how empty i feel, i can pick up my guitar and make music, following no guidlines, just the dialogue of my fingers in accordance with one another. ill even take music that someone else has written, and just feel my voice within me. doing what it was originally created to do. to make sound and fill the empty space in the world. i can take the gifts my Father has bestowed upon me, and use them to His glory, and His only. He's always watching me...and i think thats why i feel such a peace when im creating art on my own, by myself, and not for anyone else. God said that He'd free me if i follow Him. i believe this is one way He's taught me to escape. this is one way He's revealed to me to let go of the pain in this life, and run as far away as i can from it.

Love is finding a way of freedom for your soul, even in the darkest of places.

WARNING: CONTENTS ARE OF MY VENTING .ONLY MY VENTING

WARNING: Contents of this blog post are squarely my venting. Contents will be selfish and absurd. i dont  mean them to be, and i know i need to change how im feeling, but i needed to vent in some way.

i guess nobody really knows what's going on underneath. and you cant expect them to. but when you tell them how hard it actually is, you'd think they might pay some kind of attention to it. i think i expect way too much out of people sometimes. i dont think they understand i need to do one thing at a time. and sometimes... i feel like they dont even care about me at all. they just want to know what their agenda is with me, and what our issue is at the time. i feel like i cant talk to them about anything anymore without hurting them because i dont have the mind capacity to deal with my relationship with them right now. and this is largely, if not wholly, because im so confused and messed up with the things going on in my life. if i want to solve the problem they talk to me about all the time, i have to get to the root of it. i probably wouldnt even have a problem in our relationship if i was square in my life. but im not. i have a pyramid of problems piling up on me, and if i only deal with the top problems, the bottom ones still exist and the top ones will keep coming back. i need to clear my mind, and see how i can fix these big problems at the bottom of my pyramid. but i hope my best friends come back to me. because i fear ive lost them. things arent the same anymore...maybe thats the whole problem with this. i dont think i want that change.

God Has Given Me

God has given me a voice. i must sing to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a poise to dance. i must dance to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a talent to interpret others' experiences as an art. i must act to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a learning ability to do well in school. i must perform well in school to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me a family. i must love them as they love me to give the Glory back to Him.
God has given me love. i must return that love to Him.