Authenticity is a word I often deem sophisticated and controlled. But what if it, in fact, means the opposite?
Recently, I have invited my shadows to dance--invited my disorders, my mental illnesses as the world so fondly refers to them, to co-exist in my life with me. What I have found is simply astounding: The child, the curiouser, the flower whisperer and the adventure seeker, has resurfaced in resplendent tenacity.
What was the game changer, you might ask? Honestly, I just stopped trying to control them all. I'm doing my best to, instead of push them away or pack them into a box, feel them and accept them and move on. I am under no assumption that they will ever leave me--I know that they are things I will deal with for the rest of my life. So why have I been trying to control them and mold them into a sidekick?
My understanding of recovery is not about defeat. Recovery is about taking that part of who you are (yes, your mind is a part of you) and making it into something that you recognize, educate yourself on, and then put to rest using what you have learned. You tell it that it is not allowed to destroy or define you any longer. You look at it and say, I recognize your existence, but that does not give you power over my life. The Lord is the only power over my life, and He will not permit anything to weigh down or damage the spirit He has freely given. Through this process, the disorder becomes a part of my story. It cannot be erased or changed, but it can be recognized and learned from. It may resurface at times, but now that I can see it for what it is, I can deal with it knowledgeably and efficiently.
The child disappeared when I decided to doing everything on my own and control every aspect of my life.I had a reason for everything, an explanation for everything, a plan for everything. I could not simply enjoy today without worrying about tomorrow and the days after. My imagination was constantly crowded by the barricade of harsh reality.
That is not what I am called to--I am called to vibrancy and light; joy and freedom. Imagination and wonder. I have the mind of CHRIST! Does the mind of Christ limit itself to anxiety, fear, doubt, material success, worldly expectation? No. It fortunately does not. Once I realized this, the child came back to me. I learned again what it means to look at the clouds in unrefined awe. I can look at a flower and appreciate that yes, it will die, and yes, it is just a part of the earth, but it is a part of God's earth. It is a breathtaking representation of humanity--a simple flower can speak poetic truth about the world. As can trees and human behavior and rivers and skies and stars. The Lord calls us to curiosity about His world. He calls us to abundant thoughts and prayers and conversation with Him and with others to experience the fullness of life in Him.
So, unto the question of "authenticity": this word and its action in my life can never be controlled by me. I have given it up and I have let it go. It is time to rest--time to be.
My authenticity is now defined by the God who directs my path and my spirit.
Love is rest.
Love is freedom.
Love is letting go.
Therefore, Love is always and undoubtedly
the rest found in the freedom of letting go to just...well...
Be.
