My relationship with my guitar has been one of love and hate. I've been playing it for about six years now. I taught myself most of what I know, and when i got lessons i hated it. it has come to my attention that there is a question among many as to why i don't really broadcast that i play guitar, play the guitar in public voluntarily, or sing and play when people ask me to. And I suppose it somewhat puzzles me mainly because if someone asked me to sing something from a musical or opera or just to sing or perform in general, i am happy to do so. Why do the two medias differ in how my subconscious views them?
I realized recently that it is because the guitar is something that i do for myself that i am very protective of. it is a space in time where i am not judged, i am not related to, and i am not a source of entertainment for others. These concepts are subconsciously put in place. I believe it is because guitar has always been a source of peace and comfort. and it's something i will never risk anyone taking away from me. The few times i have shared it with others made me want to stop playing altogether, and that has since frightened my desire to play into seclusion. however, it is creeping its way back into my heart as i heal from those relationships. I now realized why i protected it so closely--because it doesn't take much to take guitar playing out of the realm of comfort and confidence and into an area where it is just another part of my craft. The truth is, i don't want it to be a part of my craft. It is more a part of who i am. It's not that singing and performing is not a part of who i am, but i am constantly working, on the world's time, to make myself better in my performing area. I rush it along and there is a sense of urgency and harsh standards that i put myself under and that others put on me. This i do not mind, because i know it is what i need to succeed, but guitar is a part of music that i will not let be tainted by the cruel realities of technique, professionalism, and structure. I do not grade myself on it. I do not measure myself up against others because that is not why i play. I play to feel my fingers on the strings. I play to hear the sound my voice makes echo through the harmonics of the instrument. I play because i dont have to think about how my playing will please others or what i can do to make myself a better entertainer.
This view may seem self centered, but i dont look at it that way--i cant. if i do then i will just get anxious around it and the entire romance ive set around this beautiful pastime will crumble. In some ways, i have one hobby in my life that is completely mine--that no one else can touch. Something that i do on my own time and not on the time of others. this is necessary because in almost every other area of my life, i am living to please someone. Even if that someone is myself. I live to please those who hear me when i sing, to please those i work for, those who grade me, those who determine the next steps of my life, and so on. Even at the gym im not serving my soul but my mind and my body and my desire to be healthy. playing guitar frees me from all that. I am free to just "do" it. To not think about it or feel like i have to do it. It's like this blog. I know many people dont read it, and not many will be touched by it, but that could matter less to me because i know that i am getting thoughts on a page. I'm putting something out into the universe that i dont have to worry about coming back to me in some way or another. Guitar is my way to put music out into the world and not care where it goes or who it reaches. it is endless and boundless because there are no ties, there are no rules, there are no consequences. the desire only comes every once in a while, and i relish in it when it does come, but i have no need to fear how long it will be before i have time to play again because i know that time will always come when it is supposed to. The time to play will come upon me exactly in the Lord's plan. He knows when i need it. And i will always fall upon it like autumn on the summer wind. One knows it is coming because it exists, but when it comes is always a surprise. When it comes, it never fails to impress. It's different each time, with more colors--bright and vibrant, refreshing the soul from its harsh summer and giving it something to treasure and savor before it enters the winter months.
This is Love because it is taking something that could seem tedious and daunting and worrisome to many (and possibly should be for me), and making it into a nothing that is something. A talent that need be talentless. It's like a star. Something you love seeing and looking at, and you have the freedom to admire it because it takes no special circumstance but nighttime for you to appreciate what it is, and there is no worry when it is gone because you know it still exists in your heart, even though you dont see it in the daytime.
Love is freedom. Love is the liberty to create and immerse yourself in joy. Love is taking something and setting it in the core of your heart to protect and let grow.
Love is giving yourself permission to truly believe something is perfect, regardless of the imperfections seen through the eyes of the world.
