When Rain Falls

I walked home from the bus at 10:45am today. It was raining. I then realized the irony to this scene.

This weekend has been a trip. I started it off thinking it was going to be pretty uneventful. Choir Saturday morning, Youth Band Sunday morning, homework Sunday night. I had no plans, no motives, i thought i had it all planned out and it was going to go the way i thought it would. You know the saying, "When men plans, God laughs."? That saying made itself clear this weekend.

I lay in bed trying to sleep Friday night, when, all of a sudden, it feels like someone is pushing a dagger under my left ribcage. I sit up, and try to breathe. The pain stays for about five minutes. Just long enough to make me almost call my mother in the room. After it subsides, i lay back down, and breathe. "Just breathe anna..." i told myself.

I wake up the next morning completely fine. I'm excited to start the day because i get to spend the next two days at my church. A place where i can be myself, and be peaceful. I take a shower, get dressed, make some coffee, blowdry my hair, put on some makeup, and eat a banana. Fairly casual. Me and my mom talk while she drives me to practice. Im pretty sore, because ive been pushing it these last few weeks. I get into church and spend about 10 minutes talking to Seth. That boy...
As we're singing on the risors, the pain from the night before comes back...it starts affecting my breathing. I try to let it go. By the time we go sit down im shaking and cant breathe at all. The woman next to me asked if i was ok, then Ms. Fields, my choir director, asks whats wrong. I tell her i cant breathe and start to hyperventilate. The pain in my side grows. Now someone is twisting the dagger... Everyone lays me on the ground and i start to shiver uncontrollably, and cry, and scream from the pain. My breathing hasnt slowed. The people around me all begin to pray after they cover me with jackets. I scream and clutch my cross necklace. They call the paramedics, and about ten minutes later my mom and an ambulance arrive...
My mother tells me to picture Nashville. I try to concentrate, but my arms go numb. i cant move them. They get me on the stretcher and put me in the ambulance.
By now they've stuck stickers and tubes on me. They did an IV where they stick a HUGE needle through my bicep. I still cant feel my arms and legs, and soon my chest, abdominal area, and mouth go numb as well. They tell me to concentrate on breathing, because my heart rate needed to go down. They said i wasnt able to move my body because no oxygen was getting to my system and everything was freezing up. They talked to me about school and choir and stuff. Also Seth and what was going on between the two of us. (i have no idea why they asked so dont ask me...) I then heard a familliar tune in my head, and someone singing to me in the hospital office... "And ill stand, with arms high and heart surrendered. In awe, of the One who gave it all. Ill stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered. All i am, is Yours..." his voice echoed in my head...
I came back to reality when my mom asked me what i was thinking about. I didnt tell her.
I started breathing normally again soon, but i didnt stop crying. They hooked me up to more tubes, did a KG to check my heart, took some more blood. I started calming down... i regained movement, but i was very weak.
They told me i had an anxiety attack. All i wanted at that moment was to have my loved ones near me... "God was with me the whole time..." I thought. And i wanted my other loved ones there as well. When my dad walked into my room i started to cry again...I thought id never see him again...
they didnt know what the pain was from. And they still dont. But im supposed to get some tests done to find out later. The anxiety attacks are easily treated. So i wasnt very worried when i left the hospital. I dont want to change my schedule, but my mom is making me quit some things...

As i lay in my bed the rest of that day i think of the list of people in my head i have to call. "They'll want to know..." I thought. Jessica, Seth...( definitely Seth. He was there when it happened... and i missed him...) Jenna, and David. I called Jessica and she was worried, and she cried of course. ( love you sweet pea) But she was there for me...They all were. I had so many people praying for me at that moment...And i realized how blessed i am.
Poor Seth. He had to watch me go through something like that and i felt terrible. He couldnt wait to see me. And of course i couldnt wait to see him. I thought about telling him how i heard him singing to me in my head in the hospital room...but i didnt. God sent him to me...he was my angel.
Jenna was upset she wasnt in the hospital room with me. I love that girl so much. Shes been through these situations alot, and she wanted to be there. I wanted her to be there. I said to myself many times, "Jenna would know what to do...i want Jenna..." But since i didnt stay in the hospital long enough to call her, i had to wait till i got home. I promise ill call next time sweetie.

8:30am, Sunday morning, 1/30/11.
i was walking down the driveway of my church. Hell no was i missing church because of a stupid anxiety attack. Yeah, i probably shouldve rested, but i wanted to Praise the One who brought me through that disaster. I saw Seth walking out to meet me there. He pulled me into a big bear hug. One that i didnt realize how much i missed. Mark and the rest of the band hadnt gotten there yet, so we walked over to the stairwell to wait. He wrapped his arms around me for a minute or two, and asked me how i was. I told him about the fight my family had the night before, and how my brother didnt seem to care about my going to the hospital whatsoever. Also about how i spent a half an hour sitting in the bottom of my shower, crying about the events of the day. He listened. We sat on the stairs and discussed the changes that would have to be made in order to prevent the events of the day before. The kid is strict! I listened while Seth Brummund told me to "take it easy" . Haha, he knew i wouldnt listen. But im trying. Really i am.
Mark got there eventually and we had a fail of a band practice. I dont know if we'll be ready for tonight or not. As church went on, I sang in choir, and Seth didnt leave my side the whole time. He sat next to me in church, always keeping one eye on me, every once in a while asking if i was ok. No one had ever done something like that for me before...It was really comforting. I felt like someone was watching out for me. None of my past guyfriends had ever done anything like that for me before. I hope someday ill be able to return the favor.

I praised God with passion in my heart...I couldnt explain how grateful i was to Him for bringing me through it...

Seth and i had another one of our walks together. We discussed alot of things. We discussed why we werent dating, what the meaning of that word was, how we felt about eachother, how our parents would feel about it, and more importantly, how God would feel about it. Our conversation was put on hold for his sister, Claire, (sweetest thing ever) who invited us to lunch. Me, Seth,Claire, Sam (Claire's boyfriend), Will, and Will's sister Claire. We had a blast! Blueberry Hill in the loop, and lots of laughs. They know how to have fun.
Seth drove me home...We talked some more about our relationship. It seems as though this is going to be a good, exciting, wonderful adventure.

So what, you may ask, is the irony of my walking home in the rain on this ordinary monday? It signified many things to me:
1) A new beginning. I start adventures with every day. But as the rain fell down on my face, cool and comforting, i felt God's presence watching over me. He's taking me on a new path, and im ready to take it.
2) Cleansing. I was realizing that its ok to be sad. Its what you do with your sadness that effects you. When you let the storm come down and dont let things go until theyr just recycling in your mind, you can end up in a bad place. Even the hospital! Ive decided to let go of my past...God has forgiven me, and i have forgiven the people i was thinking about.
3) Change. Rain isnt a regular occurence. It only comes every once in a while. But when it comes, it rejuvinates the world, supplying the energy or reason for things to grow and learn. I have to make some changes, and i know i will learn from this experience

And, Finally,
4) Peace. Rain brings a quietness to the world. We let it do what it does best, and stop trying to work around it. We let it come down the way it wants to.

I think its time for me to stop trying to plan my own way. Let the rain fall, and stop trying to work around the way God is willing my life.

When We Fell

It started out as always, true
Something innocent you could run to
We said its ok, we could deal with these problems another day
I knew my place, a spot next to you
So beautiful, so charming
Unmistakably...silent

We fell, we fell hard
Both hurt and looking for love
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings i cant understand
We bruised, we were cut fast
Both left and lonely hearts as before
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings we wont confirm

A typical adolescent scene
Where were you, skipping essential steps
Now we're here, expressing confirmed relationship
But i never got to that place...


Where did you go?
What happened to my perfect exception?
Here i am, "clinging to the remnants of perfection like most do after they break it"
Dont know where my path goes
But my one question...Where will you go...because...

We fell, we fell hard
Both hurt and looking for love
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings i cant understand
We bruised, we were cut fast
Both left and lonely hearts as before
No thoughts, no talk, only unsaid feelings we wont confirm

No thoughts, no words, only unsaid feelings...

And no where to turn.

"When God Made You..."

"When God made you, He must've been thinking about me."

This quote has become so apparent in my life at this time. It's saying, that long long ago, before any of us existed and God was planning the Universe, He though about what every single solitary person in every single solitary person's life, would need. When He created you and me, i imagine Him thinking to Himself, "Ok, so this person will need this person at this time in their life, but not this time. However, they'll need this person throughout their whole life. So ill program them like this..." Then He picks their parents and our parents, and we are born and somehow, we find our way to eachother. With some people, they were only meant to be with us in one time of their life. Then with others, they need to be there throughout our whole lives. God plans that! i mean, yes we havea choice, but we were CREATED to find eachother. Now, you may be thinking im talking about a boy, but im appealing to all audiences. God created both my parents in a specific way, so they would fall in love with eachother, and He created them the way He created them and let them go through what they went through and learned what they learned, because they were going to have me. Of course, not all because they were going to have me, but you get the point. And the amazing thing is, He did that with every one of you, everyone ive ever come in contact with, and so many others with so many other situations!! I think that shows us a glimpse of how big God is. He did all this in the blink of an eye. My Savior planned this universe. And if thats only a glimpse of what He is? Im boggling my mind trying to think of what else He is...

Recently, the course of events in my life have been strangely sequential. God is making Himself apparent in my life in many ways, but one is the people He's bringing and has brought to me. I'm beginning to see parts of what His plan was and it going the way He knew it would go...These people are making me who i am to be in this life. Aside from God they impact me so much more than i couldve imagined...they all came at a specific time in my life for a specific reason. Some seasonal, and some will be my life long friends and companions. im so blessed for Joann, Sam, Claire, Seth, Megan, Gabby, David, Jenna, Jessica, and so many more. When God made you, He must have been thinking about me...

Forgetting What You Had, And Finding It Again

The New Year came and went. Now its back to business. I had to make a decision about someone...and honestly it broke me...however, i chose to side with God...and not myself. God carried me through and i rode on wings of eagles... He made everything better. This one person made my sun shine. but with God, not only my sun, but my heavens, my heart, and my face are now shining because He is with me. i had forgotten what that felt like... an aspect of Love might be coming back to what you  realized was the right thing in the first place...it just took a wrong turn for you to realize it...

After The New Year Comes...End of Christmas Break

Yes, 2011 has started. I'd like to share with you two excerpts from two songs. Theyre both about the new year. however, what id like you to realize, is the two ways one should look at the new year.
Death Cab does an amazing job of putting into perspective the fact that the new year is just another day. whats the point in celebrating the fact that we dont change? We dress up, we get special drinks, we have special traditions, we make resolutions that we break within a week. We believe in so mch hope for the news year, but by the time a month has gone by we forget everything. We no longer have the hope we did a mid that one night. We get beat down by the economy, politics, family issues, broken dreams, broken relationships, everything. Lets try to break that one New Years tradition that everyone so promptly follows.
The New Year- Death Cab for Cutie

So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back [x2]

So this is the new year [x4]
If you listen to the whole song of Parachute's then you may be discouraged. However, they do a great job in their chorus at the end. He doesnt just talk about the one night that we all celebrate. He recognizes the 364 other days that we have to keep the faith. Keep the hope. Love exists in hope.
The New Year- Parachute

End Chorus--

But was it really that bad     (This past year)
And could it be better
Well I don't know, but with you I still have hope
That this, could be, oh my year

(We have) Three hundred and sixty four more days
One million chances left to find you and to see your face
Making light out of my shadows
Finally get to zero and maybe we'll both say (x2)

Oh what a way to start the new year